The name God has a negative connotation to it, for me. I had my first holy communion. I went to Sunday school. I went to catholic mass through most of my childhood. I drank the blood of Christ. I ate his flesh? I sang songs that had no meaning to me. I remember being slapped on my hand with a ruler from a nun. I remember sitting in her office at the age of six, maybe, and thinking, “Why exactly am I supposed to care about this.” I have asked the question “why” for as long as I could remember.
Why did my dad leave me?
Why does mommy make those noises?
Why do random men come over while I’m supposed to be asleep?
Why? Why? Why?
I wanted to know why things happened the way they happened.
I got in trouble in Jr. High a lot, and I would always be sent to the vice principles office. Once I walked into his office, he handed me money and I went to the store, across the street from the school, and I would buy doughnuts for him and the office. I would purposely get into trouble because I was always curious as to why I needed to be in class when I could be hanging out the vice principle, eating breakfast. Considering I never ate breakfast, doughnuts seemed like a good idea. If that meant I had to get in trouble in class and be sent to his office, so be it.
I digress! The point of that story was to get an understanding of why I did some of the things I did. It was mainly because I wanted to why something was the way it was. I was curious. I started this entire rant because it will show the reader how my mind worked at that age. It started young. It wasn’t until I was in my early 20s, after I was completely recovered from getting hit by a car a couple of years prior, when I started asking why God, the All Mighty One, would leave me alone in a time when I so desperately needed Him. My boyfriend throughout high school left me after I had a miscarriage. My mom was an alcoholic who was sleeping around like nobody’s business. My father was not around and didn’t want anything to do with me. My sister was off with her new husband and their newly born son. Why wasn’t God there for me when everyone else wasn’t? Everyone abandoned me, I believe God did too.
I felt, and somewhat still feel, that the catholic version of God did not intend for me to be one of his followers. He knew I would challenge Him and ask him why. He knew he didn’t have the answers I sought, so he let me go elsewhere. I floated around throughout my 20s with ideas of what God was supposed to be. I dipped into Atheist studies. I studied Buddhism. I finally said forget it and stopped looking. It didn’t interest me anymore because I was under the impression that there was no such thing as God. He didn’t exist. So, I went through life, for many years, as a faithless working girl who ran around town and stopped asking why. I didn’t care why anymore. I didn’t seek anything except my next victim. Oh, I mean, my next married man. That’s another time though ~ My point is that I stopped caring about anything and God was the least of my concerns. Until one day, I snapped!
I recall that I was forgetting to do things. I was making mistakes at work. I was feeling ill, tired and nauseas all the time. I was unhappy! Shortly after experiencing this depression, I had a nervous break down. I was at work one day and things got a little crazy with the loads I was unloading. I was working at a warehouse and we dealt with huge refrigeration units for grocery stores. I was the shipping and receiving supervisor of the entire inventory, so whatever came in or went out, I was in charge of. Well, I was already feeling anxious and irritated and there was a huge line of truck drivers waiting to be unloaded. It was too much for me, and I snapped! I threw down my clip board, walked into the main office, sat down at my supervisors desk, handed him my Nextel and said, “I quit” and walked out of his office. I started walking toward my truck when he chased me down and pretty much forced his way between the car door and me. Now, him and I had a relationship that I will not get into here, but he was one of the married men. I gave in to his pleading, and I went back to work. Still irritated, upset and plain board with the situation, I continued working there for a few more weeks until they could find someone to take over. Except, nobody was good enough. Nobody was ever up to the manager’s expectations, so nobody was ever hired. This, in turn, made me stay there longer.
Eventually, I snapped once more, except this time there was no turning back. I was in our second warehouse when I got so pissed off at a situation that was out of my control that I completely flipped out. I started crying. I started throwing shit. I was screaming, calling people all the ugliest names in the book, and I event drove a forklift into the side of the building whiling throwing my Nextel at my supervisors. I was fired! I didn’t have anywhere to go. I couldn’t afford to live where I was living. I was disgusted with myself. I was angry. I was sad. I was scared for the first time since I was a child. This is when I started asking why again.
Why wasn’t God here for me now? Yeah, I didn’t pray. I didn’t read the bible, go to church or anything that would suggest he’d be listening, but I wanted someone there to comfort me. Why wasn’t God there?
I’ve learned it was because I wasn’t meant to receive an answer from God.
I was meant to receive the answer of Pan or the Green Man or the Mother, Maiden and Crown.
I was meant to hear the howl of the wolf on a full moons night.
I was made to feel the breath of Earth on my face on a spring afternoon.
The morning frost was meant to kiss my face ever so gently every morning I woke up in the winter.
I was created under the symbolism and energy of the Pentacle.
I was created with all elements of life.
The Christian God did not create me. He did not want me on his side because I would have wanted more than what he could provide.
I found comfort and joy in the woods one evening when I was living with my sister. I had moved in with her and her family shortly after I lost my job. They took me in and I slept in a small closet, located under the stairs. All I had with me was a week’s worth of clothing, a small lamp, an old plastic filing cabinet for a dresser, one twin mattress and my cat. This time of my life was very sad. I hardly showered or ate. I didn’t do much, really, except play video games and play with the animals. I got bored of it quickly though and eventually started to explore the land I was living on. I visited so many national parks. I got to know the local market owner and her family. I didn’t make any friends though. I wasn’t interested in becoming friends with anyone, or having sexual relations for that matter. I wanted to be left alone for the majority of the time. I spent time with the kids, of course, and I did things around the house to help out, but for the most part, I kept to myself. I came across a little witchy store in one of the neighboring towns and I saw a deck of tarot that called to me. It’s called The Well Worn Path by GET THE NAMES. I bought that deck along with a black spiral notebook to keep track of my readings.
To this day, I have every single one of the readings I’ve done since. It was sometime in 2007 when I started. So, that’s about five years of tarot. Crazy! Anyways … I really took to the cards. I played with them. I read the entire book and made notes where I saw fit. I would take this deck outside with me places and I would do a reading in a park somewhere. I would jot down where I was, what I heard and how I was feeling during each reading. It was a lot of fun. I can still remember the smell of a couple places because they were so powerful. There was one time I was alone at a lake and I was visited. To this day, I am unsure if what I think happened really happened or if it was my imagination. All I know is that this event changed my life!
So, there I am sitting on a bench doing a tarot/reflection entry in my notebook. My truck is sitting in the dirt next to me. I am listening to the sound of the lake and the animals making their noises. I had all my fishing gear with me, but for some reason I felt like swimming instead. So, I took off all of my clothes and walked into the lake. It was cold! Nude swimming in September in the mountains was insanity, really! Anyways, I’m floating in the water and I’m drifting around. I cannot go far, considering the lake was less than a mile wide. I feel myself getting very cold and my nipples hurt from being so hard. I remember I was floating there, playing with my nipples because I had never felt them that hard before. I remember laughing at myself. Shorting after that happened there was a woman standing on the shoreline near my truck. She was an older woman, maybe in her 80s. She startled me, but she smiled and waved at me. This all happened within seconds. Like seriously 2 seconds. When I moved to adjust my body so I was upright, I noticed her walking away. She didn’t vanish; she simply walked up the path and continued walking down the street. By the time I was out of the lake, and clothed again, I jumped into my truck and drove off. I was embarrassed and frightened all at the same time. On my way home, however, curiosity got the best of me. I kept asking Why was that lady standing there.
Who was that lady?
Why did I get naked and go swimming during broad daylight?
Why didn’t she stay?
Where did she go?
Where did she come from?
I had many questions with no answers!
After reflecting on the day, I just chalked it up as a little old woman who was just saying hello. I do not believe that today, however. I believe it was someone acknowledging me and welcoming me into the realm of witchery. I believe it was an introduction of sorts for the world that awaited me. It was maybe even an invitation. Since the Catholic God did not want me, another deity visited me and welcomed me into her circle of power. Many tarot reading since then have validated this, which is why I believe it to be true. The pagan path I took was something that changed my world. I see things differently. Not just point of view “see,” but also the actual visual picture of what my eyes are seeing.
My self-image has changed too; all in respects to the Pagan path, I have chosen. I started to see trees differently. The colors of green, yellow, orange, red and brown all started to be more vibrant. I noticed them more. I noticed the sounds of the birds, butterflies and critters. I recall the taste of rain in the fall. I know what an ice cycle tastes like too. The smell of the snow melting on a warm day is probably one of my favorite smells. I paid close attention to the places I visited. Mother Earth spoke to me. She played games with me. She touched me. She listened to me. She hugged me. She gave me comfort. She was strong for me and held me up when I was at my lowest point. To this day, I do not know how I was able to stay so strong through so much heartache and confusion. If it wasn’t for my tarot deck and my cat I probably wouldn’t be alive today.
I give my thanks daily for having such a beautiful teacher with so much power that she could take out an entire state if she so wanted to. She is my God. Earth has the power of God that I needed. I needed the strength of Earth to satisfy my passion for why. When I am analyzing a situation and I have the question “why” in my head, I go spend some time in nature. I will lay or sit under a tree, I will swim in a lake or a creak (with clothes on), and I will connect with The Mother. I will seek answers that she will reveal when I am ready to learn the lessons I need to learn. Because of my connection with Mother Earth, I have the power of earth, air, fire and water to protect me and comfort me. I have the strength of the World holding me up, encouraging me to be a better person and show my true colors because my colors are bright enough to make a difference. My entire being has the support of such a powerful energy that when I shine my lights, people can feel the warmth and love radiating out of me. This is exactly why I decided the path of Pagan Witch.
What I do is something unique and people enjoy it. Sometimes they may not understand why they enjoy it or they may not even be aware they’re enjoying it. Either way, I have something amazing about me and the Christian God was incapable of providing me with enough strength. That’s okay too! I’m grateful He wasn’t my answer. During all those times I was asking why He was never around for me it was because I was looking in the wrong places. I was looking online, in books and going off what other people believed. I never went outside and paid any attention to anything. I never gave myself the opportunity to be in a situation that was peaceful enough for me to enjoy until I moved in with my sister and started doing tarot readings. There are not enough words in my vocabulary to express the way in which I feel about being a proud pagan woman. I do not hide it and I will never hide it. I cannot receive the support of Mother Nature if I hid it from others. The energy I receive is not for me and only me. I need to share this gift with as many people as I can. I need to connect with people and give them hope. I need to express my true colors because if I hide from me I am hiding from the Earth and that is never okay with me.
Blessed be, reader!