Swallowed by fear

I’m scared! Saturday (7.20) I woke up in so much pain that I couldn’t even think clearly. I snapped at my best friend. I yelled at the cat. I even cried so hard that it made me even angrier! It was a bad day. What I realized was that I was scared. My back went out – it goes out about once or twice a year if I’m not careful – well, I did a lot of yard work the day before and I think my body was saying “fuck you! Take a rest!” So, I did. At first, I was going to concentrate on my novel and write, but that didn’t happen. Instead, I wrote out my timeline for the detox.

 In less than a week, I will start drinking parsley tea to force contractions in my uterus. I kept asking myself, am I ready for this. And, my answer is, no … No, I am not ready! But, that doesn’t mean I’m not going to do it. I have a lot of fear about doing this. Am I going to be strong enough to do it? Am I going to stick with it for as long as I want? Am I going to have the support I need? Will I be stronger or weaker after it’s over – will it ever be over? I don’t know the answer to any of these. I have faith, however, that everything is going to be just fine. During the process, I may be sick, angry, sad, irritated, sore etc, but I need to do this!

Fear of the unknown is one thing that keeps presenting itself in my life right now. The coming year is going to be full of so much growth that I’m preparing for it this summer. But, I’m scared of the unknown. I’m scared to see the outcome of the coming months. I’m afraid of how I will feel, going back to school and work. Many people don’t know I’m doing this and when I get back to school, I’m going to look different. I have no doubt I’m going to lose weight, which means I have to go shopping for new clothes. I don’t know. I’m focusing too much on the external shell my spirit is living in. I’ve never been about fashion and I’ve never been interested in name-brand stuff. I buy my clothes at thrift shops. I try to stay with earth tone solids as much as possible. Oh! I don’t know … I write this stuff down, but it doesn’t seem to really bother me as much as I thought. So what am I afraid of? If it’s not my external appearance, what am I afraid of?

This isn’t a diet. This is a lifestyle change. Am I doing the right thing? Will I be able to fulfill my goal plan? Can I encourage others to do what they want to do with their lives? It’s weird. I started talking about this about six months ago and now, I have three of my close friends also doing a cleanse of their own. They’re not going to the extreme that I’m doing, but they’re still doing a cleanse. I had a conversation with one of my friends who will do a lemonade cleanse and she’s worried about sticking to a healthy food intake instead of going back to junk food. After talking to her, I realized that the word diet suggests a short-term goal. So, of course when someone is done with the diet, they’ll go back to eating what they used to eat. That doesn’t work! If someone needs the diet to help them in the love run, they have to completely change their lifestyle.

By lifestyle, I mean their food intake. With changing the food intake, habits change. Instead of going through a fast food joint and picking up a hamburger, if someone wants a hamburger for dinner, maybe they can make it at home. Being aware of where all the products come from too, is important. Majority of people don’t know where their food comes from and those same people aren’t living a healthy life. I’m one of them. I’m not judging, I’m just stating what I know. I’ve been more mindful of it in recent years (like two years), but for the most part, my meals are unknown to me. I’ll be sure to buy products from local farms or Oregon grown products without GMO pesticides. I stay away from boxed foods. I don’t eat canned food anymore either. So, I’ve already changed my lifestyle. What I’m doing now will build off that lifestyle change already in action. What I’m doing now will prepare my body for healthier food. But I’m still scared!

The other day, I went out to dinner with my best friend and we went to a nice little Italian restaurant. I loved it! The smell reminded me of my grandmother. She always used to melt butter with garlic, just to make the house smell good. Well, during that meal, I was mindful of all my bites. I paid close attention to how the muscles felt in my mouth. I felt every shrimp, clam and noodle that I put into my mouth. I remember the taste of fresh baked bread and oil and vinegar mixture. It was amazing food! I was saying goodbye to that food. I was saying goodbye to pasta, dairy products, breads and restaurant style eating. I don’t want to eat that stuff anymore. I don’t want to continually be sick because of the food I eat. I don’t want to feel tired all the time. I want to have more energy to do the things I want to do. I believe changing my food intake will, indeed, help me with all of that.

Pizza is another food I am going to miss, a lot! I eat pizza at least three times a month. I will buy a large pizza, which lasts me for at least 3 meals. Come to think about it, I have some pizza in my oven right now. I always get a Hawaiian pizza, but recently I’ve been switching it up and getting different styles of pizza. The one I got a few days ago was a chicken BBQ something or rather. It was so delicious. I said goodbye to it. Even though, I think I will probably get one more pizza before I start my cleanse/detox, I have been mindfully saying goodbye to many food items.

Cereal is another favorite food of mine. I will eat a bowl of cereal anytime of the week for any meal. But because I’m staying away from dairy as well as corporate cereals, I need to find something healthier. I have never tried almond milk or anything like that, so I am going to try that. I also know there is healthy cereal out there that I can eat, but I just haven’t researched it yet. So, maybe cereal won’t be something I miss. Instead, it’ll be something I change.

Oh yeah! I like that! Even with pizza, really. I can get thin crust or something and order it with no sauce. I can find things. Shit! Maybe I need to learn how to make my own pizzas. I know I want to cut out my breads and pastas, but I have no doubt I’m going to have cravings. If I have a slice of pizza once a month, I don’t see a problem with that. Nope!!! I can’t do that! I can’t sit here and justify something when I know it’ll make me sick. Why would I knowingly do that to myself? That’s like saying I will allow myself to smoke a cigarette once a month. No! When I stop smoking, I never want to pick up another cigarette again. I never want to use it as a crutch. I never want to buy another pack of smokes. I never want to taste the chemical sticks. They’re nasty and every time I’ve smoked in the last couple of weeks, I’ve felt sick afterward. So, why don’t I just quite? Well, I’m not ready. I want to finish out my summer course so I don’t over stress myself during finals week. I only have two more weeks of school (well, really one and a half weeks). So, I’ll be done soon. I want to stop smoking! I’m ready to stop …

 So much is going to be different and I’m afraid I won’t have the courage to follow through with this. I’m afraid I won’t be able to continue it once my cleanse is over. I’m afraid I’m going to binge eat and justify it somehow. I live alone. I do not have someone here who can regulate my food. I know that I’m capable of doing it by myself, but will I keep the strength throughout the entire time. I doubt it. I know there’s going to be a moment when I want to give up everything that I’m doing.

 OH! I forgot to mention this in my last blog, about my support group. Well, I’ve decided to reach out to about 6 of my close friends for support. They all know what I’m doing, but I feel I am going to be too weak and too stubborn to reach out to someone when I’m going through an emotional battle. So, what I did was email them and ask them to send me unmarked envelopes with letters of encouragement and support. I asked them to make me cry and/or laugh. I asked them to make it real, no matter what they choose to do. What I will do with the unmarked envelopes is put them into a nice basket with positive affirmations attached to it and leave the basket in my living room. So when I’m feeling sad or feel like giving up, I am going to open one of the envelopes to give me inspiration and courage to continue. I have no clue what these letters will say or who they will be by until I open them, and that’s important to me. It’s going to be fun. I think I’m also going to post on this blog ever time I open one.

Honestly, I think this blog is going to be one of my support crutches. I will be places and think about my readers. I don’t know any of you and I’ve never had a conversation with any of you. But I know you’re out there. I know you’re reading this. I appreciate that. Just knowing people are reading the struggles I’m going through gives me more courage to continue doing it. Seriously, not only am I showing myself that I can do it … I’m showing others that’s it possible. I’m showing others that it’s hard, but possible. I’m showing others that if they wanted to take things into their own hands and change their lifestyle, it can be done. I want everyone to know the struggles I went through so they can prepare accordingly to their own lifestyles. It gives me a reason outside of doing it for myself. I’m doing this for others too.

I pray that what I’m doing will help, not only me, but someone else. I hope they see the courage within me and use that same energy to produce their own courage within themselves. I want to spread my ideas with those who want to read/hear them. This is only the beginning, I think. Yeah, I did write columns (Cup of Jo – cute huh). I used to write about a column once a week for almost 2 years. They were published in the college newspaper. The topics were usually about uplifting others. I would share an experience I had and tell people how I overcame it. I would then give holistic advice. That’s pretty much what I’m doing here. I’m making a huge Cup of Jo column. I have faith that it will reach those who need it. I’m not looking to get famous or have hundreds of readers, but I do feel that the people who read it need to hear it. Because of all of that, I will continue the cleanse. I will fulfill my goals. I will accomplish my dream of living a healthy and fulfilling life. It will happen! And I have you, the reader, to that for that.

Many Blessings!


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