We have a bleeder …

I hardly know where to start. I don’t quite know how much I want to share with you. There are still things I’m trying to work through. I have to keep asking myself, “What is it I truly want to give to the reader?” “What do I share and how much do I share in order for my point to be made without over sharing?” Then I realized it doesn’t matter! I’m not only writing for you, the reader, I’m writing for me as well. I am using this blog not only to encourage people and empower your minds, but also to release some of my thoughts and many of my stories. I feel it’s time I let my stories be told because it’s obviously time for people to hear them.

If, in fact, I do over share in your personal category of over sharing, I apologize. I apologize you’re not willing to grow and expand your comfort zone. I am sorry you won’t put your fears, judgments and ridicule aside long enough to read my story, regardless of how crude, brutal or straight forward it may be. I’m not going to hold back anymore and I’m not going question myself.

If you’ve kept up with my previous blogs, or if you know me on a personal level, you’re probably asking yourself where all of that came from. Well, it’s come from five days of bleeding. If you’re a new reader check out my previous blogs. I finally bled. After talking to Dr. Jones from VIDA, I realized I was doing exactly what I needed to be doing. I appreciate Dr. Jones’s advice, but she gave me the same exact advice I received from my other doctors. That’s okay too. So, after talking to her, I decided to double the dose of Black and Blue Cohosh. Well damn! Just two days of doubling the dose (I was taking 30 drops of each, every three hours), I started bleeding. It came fast and it came hard. It went nonstop through the weekend. I spent my time either in bed or on the couch. I have watched so many movies, I don’t even know what to say about myself – lol – But, that’s the only thing I did. It hurt to move. It hurt to stand. It hurt to walk. It hurt to sit. Everything just hurt! I slept a lot too. I did a lot of deep thinking. I cried a lot. I was scared too. Many memories have come back and it’s brought up an entire part of my life I haven’t worked through yet. This is what I don’t want to share with you, yet. I’m not ready to share that part of my history. Not because I don’t want you to know, but because I don’t know how I feel about it yet. And anyways, it kind of goes off topic. It is, indeed, a topic I will cover, just not now.

So, my experience … This will be graphic at times, but please reread the first two paragraphs … I warned you!

Timeline

Monday the 19th – called doctor

Tuesday the 20th – full moon gazing – started Cohosh before bed

Wednesday the 21st – Doubled dose – yard work – moon gazing – back and breast pain

Thursday the 22nd – Doubled dose – major cramping – tired – back and breast pain

Friday the 23rd – Cohosh in morning – full bleeding – cramping – back and breast pain

Saturday the 24th – Stopped taking Cohosh – major cramping – full bleeding

Sunday the 25th – Repeat of Friday and Saturday combined into one day

Monday the 26th – No cramping – light bleeding

Today, Tuesday the 27th – No cramping – no bleeding

During all of this, I was completely alone. Nobody came to visit me. I only got a couple of phone calls. I only talked to one of them. I texted a few people; hiding my pain from them. I didn’t reach out to anyone. I didn’t want to. The only two people I wanted here were unavailable, so I did what I could by myself. And, I did a lot! I did everything by myself. Not only did that teach me that I don’t have to rely on people as much as I always have, but I’m way capable of taking care of myself. Now, if I had to go through this and I had a child or a full time job I wasn’t able to take time off of, I would have been screwed. There would have been no way I could have gone through what I went through if I had responsibilities. I’m so grateful to have the opportunity to just lay down for four days. Then again, I’m proud of myself that even though I was going through so much pain, I still took care of myself when all I wanted to do was punch a wall or go to sleep.

I made myself an awesome set up in the bathroom. I had two 4qt containers with lids filled with distilled water. My friend made me 9 pads out of 100% organic cotton. They were thin pads, but washable and so much nicer then the pads we buy at the store. I had to use four of them at a time and “tape” them to my panties with panty liners. It was messy. There are some alterations I want to try so I can continue using the pads as I continue to bleed (more details on that later). Once I bled through them, I would put them in the distilled water containers. They would soak for about 4 hours, then I would hand wash them and put them in the dryer so they’d be ready for the next round of changing the pads. There was a time I didn’t get around to washing them in time and I had to sit on a bundled up towel. It was uncomfortable and messy but, it worked.

The pain was something I had never experienced before. I tried to find something to compare it to and the only thing I can think of is “This is what getting punched in the abdomen by Tyson feels like.” Not cool, man! Not cool at all! Feeling my femur being pulled into contraction was less painful than this. I seriously wonder if labor pains are like that. Nothing really seemed to work either – except lying on my side and not moving. And, it was only the left side that hurt. I remember when my doctor did an exam on me and she pushed on my abdomen; that was the same area it hurt when she pushed on it. I went back to my test results and everything said my ovaries looked fine and that there were no cysts or growths – so why did it hurt so much? I don’t know! So, that was a concern of mine. I was worried that the Cohosh did something to me. But, I let it go as much as I could and just went with it. If labor pains were like that, I would be a very lazy pregnant woman.

I hardly ate anything, which goes back to my Dr. Oz detox and cleanse experience. The food I bought was supposed to last me the entire month, but most of it went bad before I could eat it. I have an empty fridge. I have plenty of pasta, rice, quinoa and garbanzo beans though. I have no fruits or veggies. Oh! I have some strawberries and pineapple in the freezer. I’m not really hungry anyways. When I do get hungry, I’ll have a piece of gluten free bread with some freshly crushed peanut butter on it. Either that or I’ll have some trail mix. If I’m really hungry, I’ll make some pasta and drizzle olive oil on it. I don’t eat much anymore. I had some coffee this morning, and it made my tummy all bubbly and unhappy. That was interesting. My point is, I think the detox did work in a way. I have put very little garbage in my system since I’ve started this process and maybe the outcome will be that my apatite goes down, extremely. Maybe I’ll find a joy in snacking all day on fruits and veggies then have a nice meal for dinner. Who knows what will come of it. All I know is that I haven’t eaten much this week and I’m feeling pretty good. I had energy today, and I intend on going on a bike ride tomorrow. If it wasn’t for the cramping and back pain, I probably would have been active this weekend. So, I’m looking forward to seeing where my apatite goes from here.

So, back to the pads and bleeding. I enjoyed washing my pads. It was an interesting experience. I thought about what women did 100 years ago. They didn’t have sinks or warm water or a dryer. Shit! Did they even use cloth? It’s really crazy to think about, isn’t it? We have come so far, yet we’re half assed about everything. I much preferred to wash my own pads and reuse them rather then using products from corporate companies. I mean, seriously, most women buy their hygiene products from places like Wal-Mart. Why? Because it’s simple. But there’s something to be said about being responsible for your own waste. There’s something powerful about being able to put your hand into a container filled with bloody, distilled water. Call me, weird … Fine! But it was empowering. It would definitely be difficult to be responsible for reusable pads if I was at school or something. But, I think I will find a way to continue using reusable pads in the future. I don’t want to buy pads anymore. I don’t want to give my money to them. So, I’ll find another way!

You may be asking yourself what the point was of putting my pads in distilled water. Well, I watered my garden. HERE is a link I found that has some helpful, interesting input about using menstrual blood as fertilizer for plants. There’s some concern because of the products of human blood, but we’ll see what happens to my plants. Throughout my bleeding process, I went through 12 quarts of water, which means I was able to water my plants three times. I didn’t water any of my plants more than once and I didn’t water any of my eatable plants. It was an interesting process, really. The first time, I watered my morning glory and lamb’s ear plants. The second time, I watered another lamb’s ear and three gardenia plants. The third time I water three random (I don’t know what they’re called) plants and put the rest into compost. It was funny because Cleo followed me out every single time and remarked her territory after I poured my fertilized water onto the plant. She was all shaky tailed and vocal each time. I think she was a bit excited too – I don’t know! Seriously though, if it wasn’t for her I don’t know what I would have done this weekend. So, I guess I was wrong earlier when I said I was alone … I was not alone! 

Throughout this entire process, I did a lot of thinking. OMG did I do a lot of thinking. I have some messages too. I think our female ancestors visited me over the weekend. I looked at myself in the mirror and I looked different. I looked into my eyes and I talked to myself. So there I have it again … damn it … I was so not alone this weekend … wow!!! That really puts things into perspective. Sweet! Okay, back to what I was saying before that slap of realization hit me. Our ancestors. The women before us. Our great grandmothers and their great grandmothers were with me. The energy of so many past women visited me. The energy of female deity visited me. I believe women, all over the world, are receiving these messages. It’s not just me. I’m not the only one who is sharing the messages either. All I know is that I am blessed to be a vessel. Even though I have my doubts, fears and concerns about my life does not mean I am going to allow those things to take over my thought process. I went through a lot of struggle in the last two weeks. I’ve had to fight some ugly demons. I’ve released so much already, and now I’m moving on to the next phase of my release. What’s to come is unclear, but who cares! I will work on some more things that I need to release, of course, and I’ll go from there. One day at a time, right?

We are women. We are strong. We are capable. We are beautiful. It doesn’t matter what the tabloids say. It doesn’t matter who’s wearing what during some bullshit awards show. If only women would look at themselves in the mirror more often, what a wonderful world we would live in. Look at yourself naked. Look at yourself without make up on. Know your body. Touch it. Honor it. Love it. Cherish it. Respect it. Have a conversation with yourself. Look at your own eyes and have a conversation with that unknown person in the mirror. “Wow! Why have I never seen your eyes before? They’re beautiful.” Women, seriously! How often do we stare into our partner’s eyes and just feel like we’re floating away somewhere. Even if we’re not with that partner anymore, we know the feeling. Every woman has experienced it! Why not experience that while glancing into your own eyes? We are always searching for love and companionship from others, but what would life be like if we were able to do it for ourselves. Every little freckle is where it’s supposed to be. Every big stretch mark is a reminder of our physical growth. Every awkward scar, curve, or bump is a symbol of our uniqueness. That little indent on my thigh is a warrior’s wound. The funny lookin pinky toe I have on my left foot is only one thing about what makes me who I am. It may affect the way I choose my shoes, but it doesn’t change my ability to help others.

What do other people think about my body? They think it’s beautiful! My last three partners appreciated my body. They enjoyed my body. I honestly believe the reason they enjoyed it so much was because I enjoyed it with them. The last partner I was with really appreciated my body. I told him to though. I told him exactly what I wanted and if he wasn’t willing to give it to me, he wasn’t going to experience any part of me. I demanded it because I’m worth it. We have to be comfortable in our own skin to appreciate life at its highest form. 

What do I think about somebody else’s body? I think it’s beautiful. I think their bodies are beautiful because I know, just like my own body, they have war wounds. Those wars make us who we are as individuals. The more we share those stories, the more we learn about each other and the more we’re able to empower our lives together. It’s not something that happens over night, that’s for sure! I’m still working on my own personal image, and I’ve been mindful about it for over 8 years now. We’re always changing our fashion and our minds. We’re always changing, period! When something doesn’t work, we need to find a way to make it work. If it’s not broken, don’t fix it, of course. But, I believe until we are comfortable in our own bodies, our spiritual forms won’t be able to be completely free. We are not humans experiencing a spiritual moment in time, no; we are spiritual beings experiencing a human moment in time. Things get in the way of that and we start living a social norm life. We lost track of Spirit. It’s time we come back to Spirit.

For me, reconnecting to Spirit has taken years and I’m always working on more things. This detox/cleanse process has only been one small moment of personal growth. This is what I’m doing right now …

Sitting on my bed. I’m only wearing a pair of panties. I have my hair up all crazy. I’m sitting in the dark with my laptop resting on my knees while I’m leaning against my wall. I have my earphones on, playing 90’s r&b.

Yup, that’s right!

Doing this is part of the process. While I’m writing this blog, I’m thinking about the music that’s playing and I’m processing more of my past and facing my fears. It’s interesting.

What I’m saying is that every moment can be used as a way to empower yourself. We all live busy lives. People say it’s difficult to “find time.” But I don’t buy it! We have the power to change our routines. What we know as time was human made! We have the ability to move things around, stop doing things that hinder us and start new things. Yeah it’s harder then shit to do, but we can do it! We’re the only ones who are responsible for our lives. I learned that a long time ago. I cannot make choices based on what others need. I cannot live a certain way just because someone wants me to live that way. Yeah, I’ll compromise, of course, but I’ll be damned if someone tells me I cannot have my meditation time every day; sometimes twice a day. I don’t care where I am or who I’m with; if I feel the need to step away and center myself, I will. We all have that choice! We all have the power to do that.

So … stop making excuses … stop telling yourself you “can’t” … figure out what you really need in life and keep it in your life … change what you don’t like … try something new … if you’re scared, ask yourself why then encourage yourself that whatever the reason is isn’t stronger than your will power, and you have the strength to get through the fear … Forgive those who will never say “I’m sorry” … Reach out to an old friend you haven’t talked to in years … Call your mother, father, aunty, grandparent, sibling, cousin, best friend, neighbor …  Whatever you decide to do, just make sure you love yourself in the process! That’s most important, my friends!

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The one thing about expectations and hope is that one gets disappointed quite easily!

Disappointment doesn’t even begin to explain how I’m feeling about this whole experience. Let’s start with the 48-hour Dr. Oz Cleanse

Quinoa with prunes

            Maybe it was simply because I didn’t enjoy the texture, but I was not satisfied with this breakfast. It called for ginger root and I quickly realized I’m not a big fan of the taste. In fact, ginger root is probably now on my top-five list of tastes I do not like. This breakfast did have, however, something I enjoyed. I’ve never had Flaxseed Oil. I have never even heard of it before. I like it. I’ve added it to many other meals in the past week. Other than that, I didn’t like this meal. Quinoa is not a good oatmeal replacement, in my opinion.

Kale, Pineapple and Ginger Detox Drink (Juicer required)

            I did this without the ginger, of course. It was only kale and pineapple. It didn’t taste too good. I don’t know why, though. I love pineapple and I’ve learned to enjoy kale in the last week. But the two flavors together just didn’t do too well together.

Pineapple, Lemon and Pomegranate Blend-Free Detox Drink

            Now, this is only a drink but I absolutely loved it! This is something I will continue to make, for sure. This is simply a combination of juices and these three fruits do very well together.

Fruit Smoothie

            Well, one cannot really go wrong with a smoothie, right? I wish I had more fruit to make different blends, but I only got what was on the shopping list for this particular 48 hours. Smoothies and juicing will be, indeed, something I do more of in the future. I just have to find combinations that I like.

Vegetable Broth Soup

            I did enjoy this simple soup broth. It called for a lot of cabbage and other veggies. The one thing that I liked the most about this meal was that the recipe called for paprika – and a lot of it. The flavor that the paprika made mixed with the cabbage was delicious. Furthermore, this recipe called for fennel bulb. This is another ingredient that I had no idea what it was. I had to ask my friend what it looked like before I went shopping. Well, this is one ingredient, like the ginger, that I do not like. People say it tastes like celery, but no! Not even a little bit. It had the same exact texture and consistency of celery, but the taste was more like black licorice. YUCK!

The Body’s Detox System

According to the website, this cleanse was supposed to clean out the liver, the kidneys and the colon. Well, I beg to differ! It even said that while doing this cleanse, one would use the restroom quite often. The feces would be solid, but soft. Well, as you may already know, I’ve suffered from hemorrhoids for many years. I was looking forward to having a softer stole. While, I will agree that my stole was softer, I didn’t use the restroom any more often then usual. Actually, I might have gone less then usual since I haven’t had coffee in the mornings.

Other things about 48-hour Dr. Oz Cleanse

            I was extremely tired for three days. I had a headache and I was cranky. I also stopped smoking cigarettes the day before I started this cleanse, so I’m sure that had something to do with it. Even though I did enjoy some of the meals and I did get many ideas, on a scale of 1-10, I give this a 6. I wasn’t completely disappointed, but it was nowhere near what I was expecting. There’s another lesson learned, I guess … Don’t have expectations because I will be disappointed, right? SUCK!

Blue & Black Cohosh

As you may or may not know, I used the cohosh as a way to induce bleeding. I started taking the cohosh on August 8. That’s 10 days ago. The first two days I did a few drops each under the tongue about three times a day. After that, I upped it to four times a day and did about 8 drops each. This mixture, I put into a cup and added just a little bit of water because the taste of the cohosh is awful. I did this for a week. Just yesterday, I stopped because nothing was happening. For two days, I started cramping but then it went away. My boobs hurt for a while too, but it went away. I have, however, noticed that my vaginal discharge and smell is different. Not bad different, just different. That can also be associated with the food change though – I don’t know. All I know is that I didn’t bleed, spot or anything but cramp. I’ve decided to call my doctor tomorrow and ask her what other options I have. She’s a naturalist so it’ll be nice to get her opinion about what I’ve already done and what else I can do. I swear, I need to bleed. I need to shed the 20 years of blood collection!!! I’m scared because I don’t want to take birth control and pump my body with a bunch of hormones. So, we’ll see what my doctor says tomorrow.

7-day Detox Miracle Book

            Even though I didn’t do the entire process, I did mix and match the recipes. The reason I did this was that I wanted to continue eating detox-type foods. I was extremely satisfied with the recipes I tried. For example, baked falafels are awesome! Using a food processor was awesome too, and I will continue to do this for many meals in the future. This book has so many amazing ideas in it and I have dog-eared many pages. One extra ritual I have added to my process is dry-skin brushing. I bought a skin brush, I’ve done the process two times already, and I enjoy it a lot. My skin feels great. I’m very satisfied with this book. I suggest if you’re thinking about any form of detox or cleanse, pick this book up and enjoy!

Not smoking

            I’ve been craving a cigarette for two days now. Today wasn’t that bad, but yesterday and the day before was horrible. I was getting cold sweats, racing heart and the shakes. Now, I’m just missing it. This is the problem. I enjoy smoking. But, I know if I am going to accomplish all that I want to accomplish in life, I cannot be a smoker. I purposely secluded myself and hermit(ed) myself because I knew my attitude wasn’t going to be pleasant. Yesterday was the first time I left the house in over a week. Today was the first time I cleaned house and kept active all day. There was no way I would have been a happy camper if I would have done something stressful or over stimulating while I was trying to quite smoking. Overall, I’m doing well with it.

Overall

            I’ve shared a lot of my feelings about the Dr. Oz cleanse and honestly, even though I did enjoy a couple of the meals, I’m disappointed with it. What upsets me the most is that I spent all of my food money on this and 1) I had to throw out much of my vegetables before I could really enjoy them because they went bad. 2) I wish I would have bought more frozen fruits. And 3) I’m concerned about what I’m going to eat for the rest of the month because I’m out of EBT money and very short on cash. The other day I was so irritated about my food intake and prep time that I ordered a pizza (only $8 with a coupon – hooray). It was thin crust with olive and mushrooms. Not the healthiest thing, but damn it, I was hungry and I didn’t want to spend an hour preparing a meal. I’m seriously pretty lazy and I’m actually kind of surprised I prepared as much food as I did. There was something amazing about it and I did, very much, enjoy doing it – sometimes. I don’t see myself doing it on a daily basis though. But, now I know. This is the first time I’ve ever tired something like this and it’s going to be amazing to try new things in the future. I’m sticking to it. I will change my lifestyle and my food intake. However, I’m still going to eat pizza, chocolate and pop corn. I’m still going to be lazy. I’m still going to enjoy sitting on my ass all day playing video games (I did that a lot in the last week – and I will continue to do it while I’m on vacation).

            I have another month of vacation before I go back to school. There is very little on my calendar and I have very little interest inn doing much. There is a couple of road trips I’ll be taking with my friends, but that’s it. After the past year of my life, I needed a vacation. Mindfully vacate! I have a few meals left that I will just have to make work. I know I can go over to my friends house and take things out of her cupboard, so I won’t starve. My mom even said she was going to send me a few bucks. Oh, my mom! I’m so upset that she hasn’t visited. Then again, the main purpose of her to visit was to help me while I was bleeding. I never bled, so it’s probably for the best. She may visit me in September but I don’t know. I swear, she’ll be here for Christmas! Actually, I really hope I get to see her again before I leave for Haiti, but that’s in December. There’s plenty of time to figure something out.

            Another interesting thing about this whole process is my idea to not shave. My legs and armpits are beyond fuzzy – and I love it. I haven’t worn deodorant either, so I smell pretty bad. It brings me joy though. For some reason, I find comfort in my natural smells. I won’t shave for quite a long time and I’m looking forward to it. The skin brushing has been a beautiful addition to everything and there’s another external body cleanse I will try after I treat my hair next week. Oh! That’s one thing I haven’t talked about at all throughout this blog — my dreads — But I will save that for another time =)

            What else? I don’t think I missed anything … so I’m going to use the remainder of this blog post as something for the reader. Ordering the pizza was the only thing — OH NO, WAIT — I did eat a lot of cereal one evening. It was dry, but it was nowhere near healthy. It was about 1 in the morning and I sat in the spare bedroom, watching a movie, eating fruity pebbles. As I was eating it, I knew it was out of habit and I was binging. I was disgusted with myself, but I just kept on eating it until I felt like I was going to puke. I didn’t puke, but I was miserable after. Anyways, even though the pizza and cereal were the only two things I ate that were not healthy or beneficial for the detox/cleanse, I think I did well. Even though I am disappointed with the overall outcome of everything that I’ve done in the last 10 days, I think I did well. I believe that any one of you can accomplish a cleanse too. Like I mentioned, I have another month of vacation and I’m going to try different things to cleanse my body. Seriously, if I can do it, you can do it (and no, I didn’t do it perfect, but nobody is perfect, right?). You can change anything to make it suitable for you. We, as individual beings, need to be responsible for what we eat, drink and expose ourselves to. It’s our responsibility to take care of ourselves. This experience has taught me a lot about myself. I highly HIGHLY suggest that everyone, male or female, take upon the task of cleansing. It’s an introduction to ones body, really. We’ve been so conditioned to eat fast food and processed foods because it’s easier and quicker. But the foods we eat aren’t good for the human body. Obesity is an overwhelming reality in America and I refuse to be a part of it. Yeah, I may be “overweight,” but I’m not unhealthy. I think more and more people need to be aware of their intake because this so-called food we’re eating is killing us. Things like high blood pressure and diabetes are most likely caused by the food one eats. Someone who drinks a 2-liter of soda every day will eventually get sick and be put on “medication” that causes liver failure or heart attack. It’s ridicules! So, I’m telling you, the reader, that you have the power to take care of your body. You have the strength to change your food intake. You can do it! You will do it if you want to. I seriously hope my experience will give someone (or someones) the strength and courage to do something that benefits their life. Of course, you don’t have to do it exactly like me, no no no! I’m only a vessel of experiences and I’m sharing that experience with you. Take what you will from it. I just hope my words help not hinder.

            Many Blessings!

Quick Update – irritated

So, here I am, day 4 of my cleanse, day 7 of Cohosh and day 3 of not smoking. I’m cranky. I’m crampy. I’m sore. I’m tired. I had all these plans to do some writing, reading and preparing for the coming year, but I just can’t seem to keep my eyes open long enough when I’m reading or writing. Even being on the ipad, playing games or Facebooking, isn’t keeping my interest. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m tired and I just need to rest a few more days or what. But all I want to do is crawl up in bed, put a movie on, and lay there.

The cramps, I’m sure, are from the Cohosh. My nipples are tender and I could feel mini spasms in my abdomen. I’m not spotting at all, but the side effects of the Cohosh seem to be taking their path. I hope I bleed soon. I really don’t want to go on birth control. I don’t want to pump my body with hormones or anything either. We’ll see what happens in the next couple of days. The articles I’ve read said Cohosh could start working anywhere between 3 days to 3 weeks. It’s only been a week … so we’ll see what happens. 

The 48-hour Dr. Oz Cleanse was, how can I put this, strange. Yeah, strange is a good way to describe it. The only dish I really enjoyed was the cabbage soup. I still have two more helpings that I will probably finish off today. I realized I don’t like ginger root, at all! Quinoa was unpleasant. The smoothie was good, but next time I have to blend it longer because the seeds from the blueberries were difficult for me to swallow. I have a texture thing. It’s hard for me to swallow certain textures. Juicing is one of those textures that’s hard for me to swallow. This morning I juiced carrots, green beans and a cucumber. I drank them separately and I did not like any of them. At first, I thought the carrot juice was good, but it was a texture thing that made me gag. I mixed all three and tried that too. YUCK! YUCK! YUCK! I just couldn’t get past the texture and somewhat sour taste from the green beans. I’m not sure how juicing is going to be for me. I have a few more ideas, but we’ll see what happens. According to the articles I’ve read about the Dr. Oz cleanse/detoxing, I should be using the restroom a lot. Well, I haven’t. I don’t know why that is, but I’m not defecating as much as they said I would be. But it’s still early, that might change …

I have seriously been home, by myself, for the last week. I’ve had a couple of visitors, but they didn’t stay long. I’ve watched many movies and took many naps. Because of the cramps, I feel better when I’m laying down. Sitting up puts pressure on my abdomen and it bugs me. I really hope this phase passes soon because I feel there are so many things I should be doing. Then again, I’m on vacation. This rest is well needed, I think, before the start of fall term. Powwow is this weekend and I usually camp there with my friend’s family for a week. I don’t think it’s happening this year though. It saddens me, but it is what it is. I hope I find a way out there, at least for a day, so I can dance. If I’m bleeding, I won’t go. I think that’s the only way I’ll stay home. I don’t think I want to camp this year because I’m cranky. It’ll be difficult for me to be around a lot of people without getting pissed off or pissing someone off. I’m still craving a cigarette. Camping with 5 children will not make that process any easier. So, we’ll see what happens.

So yes! I’m cranky. I’m crampy. I’m irritated. I’m tired. I’m concerned my fruits and veggies will go bad before I can eat them all. I’m scared the Cohosh isn’t going to work and I’ll have to go on birth control. But, I think all of this is part of the process, right? It hasn’t even been one full week for everything. It’s still early. Things will get better, of course. I feel I should just sleep away the first week then I’ll be able to get up and move around. My body is still going through withdrawals over cigarettes. I could feel it. I’m just thinking about it and I could feel my heart rate go up. I could feel the anxiety start to form. I want a cigarette. But I cannot have one. I deserve better than that. I have to mindfully tell myself that I deserve better. It sucks!

On that note, I’m going to go warm up some cabbage soup, shut the front door and lay on the couch and watch a movie. I can’t hardly keep my eyes open right now.

Preparing. Releasing. Growing.

The last few days have consisted of me being an inspirational vessel and my spirit experienced some major high points. Well, yesterday I did a lot of receiving and giving back. There were many highly emotional conversations with my extended family and I played mediator and counselor to many of the family members. I played a great roll as Aunty Jo Jo and friend! I was so honored of that roll. However, I was real tired by the time I finished my day – around midnight. I knew I had to release and let go of all the energy I was given. I had to release the heartache, tears and sorrow of all the people I interacted with. None of it was mine to hold onto and I had to let it all go. I decided to cleanse my external shell, and it made me realize some big things about my detox, and life in general.

After my friend left, I took a hot shower and shaved everything. Before I actually got into the shower, I trimmed my pubic hair. I mindfully shaved my armpits and my legs in the shower. As I was shaving and showering, I vocalized my intention of letting go. As I watched the hair disappear from my body, I said goodbye to it. I have never done that before. But, seriously, if you think about it, we, as women, should be more mindful when we shave. The hair we’re shaving is part of our bodies; it’s part of us. In America, it is not socially acceptable for women to have hairy legs or armpits. Even facial hair on women is socially awkward. But why? Who’s idea was it to teach women that hair was unattractive or unsightly?. This annoying chore has been part of the female norm for a very long time. It needs to change!

Society has deemed female hair as something nasty or unattractive and I think it needs to change. Not on the world scale, but individual scale. Women need to start shaving because they want to, not because society tells them to. I don’t shave on a regular basis. I shave my armpits more often then my legs because I wear tank tops a lot. But, seriously, the only reason I shave is because that’s what I was taught. In the tabloids, celebrities are made fun of if they are caught with hairy armpits on the red carpet. That’s ridiculous! Who gives a fuck!

Well anyways à The entire point of that rant was to state my case that women need to become one with their hair. I enjoyed reading this blog. It shows an individual case of a woman who started shaving and how much she disliked shaving her legs. It’s interesting to get other perspectives. Here’s another real motivating website/movement that I found. I’m seriously blown away by how many women don’t shave. I have many friends in school who don’t shave – at all! I think it’s beautiful!

So, with all this said, I’ve decided that I am going to allow my hair to grow from this point onward. I’m not sure how long I can go, but I’m going to just let it grow. I’m going to touch it and enjoy it. I will most likely keep my pubic hair trimmed since I’ll be bleeding a lot, but for the most part, I won’t shave. I also don’t know if I’ll shave before I go to Haiti in December, but we’ll see. All I know is that last night I had a revolution. I had a huge break through. My hair is part of me. My hair, all of it in all the places, is a signifier that I am human. I am a woman!

Right now, I am feeling my legs. Yes! They’re smooth, sexy and they feel good, but it’s not natural. I want to go “all natural.” Here’s another blog I think is worth sharing. I think it’s time women stop shaving because society tells them to. I understand the hair is annoying and itchy, but that goes away after awhile. The body adjusts. We, as women, just need to continue telling ourselves that we don’t have to live by social norms. Who gives a shit if we have hair on our legs? So what if I lift my arm up and someone sees hair. We’re mammals! We’re supposed to have hair! Stop telling me I have to continue shaving. Stop telling me that I’m supposed to be clean shaven. I’d be damned if someone said “ew” when they saw my hairy armpits. Fine, you don’t like it – don’t look! You think it’s nasty? Fine! But don’t tell me I have to do something that removes a part of my external being. Stop telling me that a woman with hairy pits or legs isn’t acceptable!

Okay, I’m done with that rant! Let’s move on to the next process of my release last night! After my shower and shave, I walked through my house naked. I did a little dance in my living room. It was about 1:00 in the morning by this time and it was completely dark inside. The windows and drapes were open. It was so empowering. I slid across the living room floor and sang a random song about me being naked in my living room. I even stood at the kitchen sink and leaned against the counter, looking outside. It was amazing! After that, I did a tarot reading. I sat naked on my bed and pulled out my faerie deck. My cat, the faeries and I played very nicely together. I was given so much insight and wisdom from three cards. I couldn’t believe it. It was amazing! I did a simple past, present and future spread. It was funny because Cleo, my cat, helped me picked the first and third cards. She seriously jumped on my bed and pulled out the first card (The Questions). I picked the second card (The Elvin Knight) and by the time I was ready to pick the third one, Cleo attacked my finger, which made it hook a card (The Queen of the Day). I was so pleased with everything that I wrote in my journal for about an hour. It was about 2:00 in the morning.

While I was picking cards (or got help picking the cards), I focused on my cleanse. I focused on what caused me to do this. I focused on what I was doing now. I focused on what’s to come and how will I be after the process. After I went through the cards and faerie wisdom, I lathered myself with lotion. Since I was freshly shaved and I air dried (no towels needed), I wanted to touch myself. I put on some flute medication music and touched every inch of my body – except the middle section of my back, unfortunately. I started with my left foot and moved my way up my body and back down to my right foot. I lathered lotion into my dreads, around my lower lips and even my ass (SEE HEMORRHOID BLOG). I seriously touched every part of my body I could touch. It wasn’t sexual, it was intimate. I was intimate with myself. I found this article to be right on track with how I felt last night. I was intimate with myself and it was so empowering. I think more women would find a new appreciation for their bodies if they did this more often. I’m not saying every day, but maybe three times a year. This was the second time I’ve ever done this and I will do it more often. I think I will tie it into each equinox. That makes sense to me =)

So, where am I? I’ve showered, shaved, did tarot and got intimate with myself. In the process of touching myself, I was focusing on my body, of course. I was focusing on my cleanse too. I’ve been doing the parsley tea diet (SEE BLOG) for two weeks and nothing has happened. I’ve been cramping, but I haven’t bled. I’ve ordered the Black and Blue Cohosh and I will start that next week. I am guaranteed I will bleed after taking the Cohosh. Well, I was thinking about my uterus when I was lathering lotion onto myself. I spent a lot of time on my pubic mound and lower abdomen. I vocally asked my female ancestors to help me through the process. I realized I have about 20 years of build up in my uterus. That’s crazy, huh! I started my period at 13 and I’m 33 now. I have had about 24 periods within that time. That’s not healthy. Please visit my why I’m doing this page. Let’s do the math real quick so you can have an understanding of what this really means.

There are 12 months in a year
Women are supposed to bleed once a month
That’s 12 periods in a year
12 periods in the span of 20 years is what?!?!
It’s 240!

So, a woman who bleeds regularly will have approximately 240 periods in the span of 20 years. I’ve only had about two dozen. The cleanse I will do with my uterus will shed 20 years of blood that’s been collecting over time. The tests I took indicated that my brain is talking to my ovaries and I’m ovulating, but I’m just not bleeding. Scary huh?! Yeah, it’s scary! If I would continue not doing anything about it, I would most likely have cancer in 10 years. I have very little flow space within my uterus for blood to exit, so it’s just collecting. I don’t even want to think about how heavy my periods are going to be with the Cohosh tincture, but it needs to happen. I have to do it!

Let’s get back to my releasing practice last night. While I was asking my female ancestors for help, I specifically asked them to help with the cramps and pain. The few times I have had my period, I’ve never experienced cramping. There was one time I had bad cramps while bleeding, but I think it was a miscarriage. I don’t know for sure though. I want to know what women go through when they’re experiencing their periods. I feel I am going to experience it ten-fold and I welcome it. It’s going to suck, and be painful, but I feel I need to experience the cramping to fully appreciate my female parts. To be honest, I’ll be real surprised, and disappointed, if I don’t get cramps. But seriously, 20 years of build up … There’s going to be cramping! The ritual I did last night was a way for me to honor my ancestors. And I’m not just talking about my immediate blood line, I’m talking about all females before me. I called out to all the fertile and infertile goddesses before me. I felt their presence last night too.

I sat in front of my large, full body mirror while I sat at the foot of my bed. It was dark, of course, and the lights were off, but I was able to see myself from the lights outside. It was just enough light for me to see my body and watch as my hands glide over my naked body. I swear I felt other hands touching me. I felt the energy of female fertility in my room. I knew I was not alone. I connected with my ancestors on a level I have never experienced before. I touched upon a touchy, personal subject that I never thought I was capable of doing. It was amazing! After I was done talking to my ancestors, I put on a robe and went outback.

Real quick, my backyard has become my personal oasis and sanctuary. Here’s an article that suits my definition of a garden sanctuary. I have lived here for three years (almost exactly to the day) and I have done so many amazing things to this place. I live in a trailer park, so I own the home, but I rent the space. I am fully responsible for the space I rent, and I am given full freedom to do whatever I want as long as I am not interfering with pipes or my neighbors. I have built a fence, I have an underground fire pit, and, what some people might consider, a “cluttered,” garden. I have multiple sections throughout the backyard that have clusters of plants. They’re overgrown, but beautiful. I don’t like cookie-cutter style gardening. I encourage the freedom of plants to do whatever they wish to do. I have, over the last year or so, made paths throughout the backyard. Little by little, it’s becoming more and more like an oasis than a back yard. It’s great! So, when I was done talking to my ancestors and reintroducing myself to my external shell, I went out back.

By this time, it was nearly 3 a.m. When I was completely down the stairs and out of sight from the main street, I took off my robe and danced out back. I was completely nude. I was swirling around in circles with my arms up and my head back to face the stars. I saw three shooting stars. An owl visited me and, I believe, a bat too. I walked into a couple of spider webs. I played with ladybug larva. I was dancing for about ten minutes before I decided to masturbate. I just didn’t feel enough energy was released from my shower, shave, tarot reading, personal intimacy and dancing. I needed more. Originally, I thought about going to bed and masturbating, but I asked myself why. Why do I need to go back in the house? Nobody was around. The neighbors were sleeping. Nobody was watching me. So, I masturbated in the backyard. I threw down a blanket and watched as the clouds overhead floated by. I touched myself and encouraged an explosion of an orgasm. As a woman, if you don’t know what an explosion of an orgasm feels like, I highly HIGHLY suggest you figure it out. I love this article. It touches upon so many important things that many women don’t think of or talk about. Why not?! Even though I was alone, it didn’t make it any different than if I was with someone. Experiencing an orgasm is a spiritual experience, for me, no matter who I’m with. I suggest more women educate themselves about their own bodies and touch your own external shell. It’s so amazing!

Well, I’m making an educated guess that the people who read my blog are people who are mindful and respectful to the spirit and faerie realms. I’ve said from the beginning that I will tie in my spiritual practices with this effort to cleanse my body. I am not one to tell someone how to do something, but I will suggest things, until the day I die, that people need to find their own way of doing something that benefits their lives. This is one of those moments. I encourage every woman who is reading this blog to take a moment, by yourself, and introduce yourself to your own body. I encourage women to touch themselves. I encourage women to know every piece of hair on their body. I encourage women to love themselves, unconditionally; because once we, as women, learn to love ourselves, we are capable of loving others. Isn’t that what life should be about? Love?! As The Beatles said, “All you need is love!”

We are women. We are warriors of childbirth. We are powerful goddesses who have the ability to change the world. Let’s start by loving ourselves so we can combined our forces and bring new, loving light into the world.

Blessed Be my readers

Hemorrhoids and fevers and pains, OH MY!

First off, I did not hold back in this blog. I might have over shared a bit for some people. So, this is your warning! =)

I started the parsley tea Monday, July 29. Instead of drinking coffee in the morning, I had the parsley tea mixed with green tea. It was good. The parsley tea, alone, is bitter though. When I had my second cup, in the evening of the 29, I didn’t add anything to it. It was bitter. Kind of reminded me of chi tea. Yesterday morning, I had another cup. This time, I added a spoon of local honey. It was delicious! By 5pm, I was feeling real sick. My stomach was cramping. I had a random fever. I was shivering, but I wasn’t cold. I tried to spend time with my best friend during her birthday, but I just couldn’t seem to stay warm. So, I came home and took a hot shower. I felt like I had to throw up. I felt my body kind of go into shock. It was weird. After my shower, I lied down in bed and fell asleep. When I woke up, I swore it was the next morning. I emailed my instructor and told him I wasn’t making to class – again. I texted a few people … It wasn’t until 15 or so minutes passed when I realized it was still Tuesday night, not Wednesday morning. It seriously scared me. I don’t know what all that was about, but it was weird.

Lets back track a bit. About two weeks ago, I had a severe Hemorrhoid flare up. I’ve suffered from hemorrhoids since 1998, when I was hit by a car. From all the medication I was on, I was constipated for two weeks. Yes! Two weeks! Finally, after about an hour and a half of pushing and crying, I took a shit. It was horrible. Well, ever since then, I have had hemorrhoids that, depending on my food intake, flare up and are literally a pain in the ass! So … About two weeks ago, I ate some shellfish. I’ve never been allergic to shell fish and I’ve never had a problem with it. However, it was after I ate that meal that my IBS started to act up. Sure enough, within days, my asshole was swollen, bleeding and hurting!

I’ve never gotten my roids checked out and I’m sure I need to have them surgically removed. My father had his roids removed when he was in his 20s. I probably should have done something about these before now, but I was always too scared or ashamed to admit I had them. I’m aware this detox is going to be hell on my roids, and they’re going to be constantly rearing their ugly heads. But, I’m not going to let it stop me. I’ll get them checked out soon.

The last time I had this bad of a flare up was about four or five years ago, when I was living with my sister. I was on a poor diet and I wasn’t taking care of my body. Kind of similar to what I’m doing now. Because I’m doing this cleanse, I’ve kind of went overboard with a few things. Other than this week, I’ve been eating foods to say goodbye to them. I’ve been over eating. I’ve been binging. I’ve been doing my last hooray before my entire lifestyle change. I’m sure that’s why my roids flared up again.

I wonder if the fever and hot chills are associated with the roids and IBS. I wonder if the roids and IBS is causing the headaches, the nausea, or the abdominal pain. Or was it from two days of drinking parsley tea? I don’t know! I have hemorrhoid cream and I’ve been using it daily. But it still doesn’t seem to be working too well this time. I haven’t eaten much except saltine crackers and Sierra Mist (it’s the only clear soda without high fructose corn syrup). Just about 30 minutes ago, I made a quick pasta dish. Unfortunately it was the thing I had in the house to eat. I wanted to eat something other than crackers so I could sleep tonight without having my stomach growling at me. So far so good. My stomach is a bit upset and I’ve farted quite a few times, but hopefully the food stays in my system. UPDATE: I was able to keep the food down and even though my stomach is still a bit upset, it’s not so bad. I ate breakfast this morning and even had a little bit of coffee. It’s not too bad!

This week was my last week of school, and I haven’t been to class at all. After talking to my instructor, we’ve decided it would be best for me to take an incomplete and finish the course in the fall – just one more thing to add to the list of shit I have to do in the fall.

I’m so ready to start this cleanse! But I have to wait to be paid on the 8th before I can buy the food. I have just about a week to get everything in order. I still have to make my pads, prepare the spare bedroom for long hours of video games, and buy some odds and ends. But, I’m ready! The foods I’m eating aren’t tasting good. What I want to eat I don’t have yet. It’s just time for me to finally take control of my life. I’m ready! I’m scared, but I’m ready!

I just found out the other day that my mom might not be able to make it here in August. That saddens me. I was really looking forward to spending time with her. Not only that, I was really relying on someone being here during the first week of my cleanse. It’s going to be so difficult for me to take care of myself, but I will if I have to, of course. It would just be easier on me if someone were here with me. I hope she could still come up after she takes care of her doctors appointment and her own health. I pray she will make it!

So, back to the parsley tea. I don’t know if my cramps are due to the tea or my roids. I haven’t felt this kind of cramping from roids in a very long time. Maybe the cramping is from the roids. Maybe it’s from the tea. I don’t know! I just don’t know! I will be keeping track of the size of my roids over the next few days. I really hope that the food I ate stays in my stomach and that my body doesn’t reject it … So far so good …