Awaiting the brightness …

Structured differences and systematic normalities separate us from what we hold true to our moral stand point of life, love, and family. Identifying our personal, independent paths will bring more strength to the fight of unity and community. They say to keep our circles small and private but that doesn’t build a foundation of what we need for The People or as The People. Finding that internal balance of oneness within myself and giving my energy and love to my neighbor is difficult when the individualism has become corporate gain and consumption. Disregarding life’s passion and genuine concern for The People has caused more pain for our Mother Earth. To be the change I wish to see in the world, I will continue to work with the soil of the earth. The structured differences and systematic living must become compassionate conversation and communal action if we are to live fully with love and light.

Building our foundation out of broken glass shards will be easy if we embrace the pain on our bare feet as part of the love we share. There’s no need to force the situation because what we are seeking as individuals is seeking us too. Something has happened within my enteral being, and I’m aware that things will grow to fruition when the time is right for both of us. Awaiting your embrace, naked conversations, and explosion of unity, I sit and contemplate how wonderfully our beings will create brightness in each other’s lives.

But the strange and rewarding thing about it all is that I don’t know who you are or where and when we will find each other.

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A Year of Change

I have lost many friends and experienced many broken bonds in just the last year alone. I’ve been told that if those bonds were broken they were never real in the first place. They were all real at one point. People grow apart. People change and sometimes we can’t figure out how to continue connecting when sparks are flying. It becomes two negative charges trying to connect; it just doesn’t work. Things happen within our lives and we perceive things differently. We make choices based off a multitude of reasons, and sometimes people make mistakes. Bonds break. Once powerful knots are untied or severed. It happens, right? True friendship existed at one point. Unconditional love was present throughout the time spent together.

Things must change …

The summer 2013 was when I did my detox; it was extremely painful; I was alone throughout the beginning. I wasn’t supposed to be though; I felt the first sting of betrayal during this time. Support was not there, at first. Eventually, I reached out to a lifer. She listened as I cried, and she helped me make sense of the craziness of my hormones and thoughts. Looking back to those days, I see how it’s shaped me into who I am today. Things said by those who loved me at one point and experiencing the recovery of a 15-year-old death changed me. I am the one who changed. When another, unexpected person showed concern about my health and well being, it changed me even more. Again, a year later, I see how the voice of that individual helped create the person I am today. That particular voice has become the driving force of my future ambitions.

I must change …

Detaching from the old and forgiving the sorrows of my previous choices, I found myself free from the dark shadows of my damaged soul. I was no longer held down by my past. I did not allow myself to live in my past any longer. Instead, it was a part of me – I allowed the sorrow to become a part of my newly found love for myself. As I shed and released the collection of my past, I became a different person. My thoughts were different. My spiritual practice was different. My ambitions changed. My focus was on myself, finally. I talked to my ancestors, and they spoke to me. I connected to a higher realm. Experiencing that cleanse with the two supportive and surprising voices helped me connect to my higher self. It’s difficult to see all this, a year later, because one of those gentle voices has also become one that has left me.

Lives must change …

The winter 2013 was when I went to Haiti. This trip, nearly a year later, has changed me even more than any experience I ever had. It’s tied to my detox in many ways. The moon rituals I started during my cleanse traveled with me to Haiti. I spent the last full moon of 2013 on the beach of Haiti. My ancestors were with me. I was visited by previous connections to past realms. Further, that strong, now missing voice kept me grounded as well as brought me home many nights. I experienced a transcendence that to this day has yet to make sense to me. It is because of these things that have brought me to where I am today. My vision has changed. The social goggles that I was raised with have been broken and replaced by a pair of contacts. I no longer have my boxed frames getting in the way of the eternal vision. It’s because of my trip to Haiti and the combination of my past and present that has me making great strides to accomplish the future I see for myself.

Action must change …

I have heard a definition of insanity as doing something the same way and expecting different results. The spring of 2014 has now become the striving force of my insanity. Better yet, it’s become the biggest mistake of my past addictions and bad choices. I made many mistakes. The outcome has become the reason I no longer trust my instincts, intuition, and empathy. This particular situation has become the largest void of my internal being. Not even my ancestors or the full moon can help me heal from this one. It simply just is a part of me now. As I travel further and pursue my dreams, all of the things that have helped me be the person I am today will be a part of me.

To change is to grow …

Summer 2014 is just about over. The trees have been kissed lightly by fall. I see the change in seasons. I am guided by those changes. I follow the moon cycle. I hear the call of the birds and the screaming of our Mother’s voice. One year has passed since the ending of my detox. I started this blog for the reason of my detox. Because of the changing force of my passion and vision, I went back and forth about changing the reason of this blog. I don’t think I can change it. These writings are for me to express the struggle of a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), an empathic woman, and someone who has many important things to say. It started with my detox. It transcended from that to an ancestral connection, traveling spirits, and eventually falling deeply in love.

Change is hard …

It’s been a seven year cycle of me being a student. This is the first fall term in seven years that I am not scheduling my next term. I graduated. Now what? It’s been a traveling vacation and unknown destinations so far. Right now, I am in Colorado. I pray I can find a place throughout the winter. I am homeless. Yes, maybe by choice – kind of. I couldn’t afford rent. I was bailed out a couple of times, but after graduation – and without the financial aid assistance – I couldn’t do it. I had work lined up, but I noticed the suicidal depression of my addiction and I had to leave. I’m sure the Winter of 2014 would have taken my life if I stayed stagnant. I left. I decided to jump and follow my new visions. It’s terrifying and quite lonely. I am the Ronin. With the loss of close friends (and non-friends) over the year, I now see it as a new opportunity to gather the pieces that shattered and find peace within myself. I have decided to internalize again. I have made the choice to keep the matters of my heart to myself. It was by choice I walked away without a fight. It was a hard decision to make, but my vision will stay mine. Sharing the insight, lessons learned, and new ambitions developed will be easy, but to give my secrets away and share my passion with others will probably not happen for a while. Details don’t matter right now. All that matters is that I am reconstructing my thoughts, aspiration, and faith because my focus has changed. As I said, my vision has changed; I have changed.

Change is inevitable …

It isn’t change that we fear because everything is forever changing. Nothing is ever the same after time passes – not even time itself can stay the same. The thing people fear about change is the unknown. The unknown is scary. The unknown is a terrifying place to live. I’ve noticed that the strong, silent voice that was once in my reality but now only in my subconscious, has become my saving grace. Focusing on picking up the pieces that shattered throughout my cavern’s floor is what is keeping me from fearing the unknown and completely freaking out about my situation. I am not thinking about the unknown. I am thinking about how my puzzle has expanded. It still isn’t complete, of course, but there’s an entirely new scene painted on the canvas of my life’s work. Why fear something that is out of my control? Why worry about what can’t be changed? Why fear change? Instead of focusing on the unknown, focus on what is. If the life that is doesn’t make you smile in some way, change it! Don’t fear it, just change it. People will become distant. People will disappear. People may or may not support you. People will call you names, tell you how wrong you are, and even try to give you false promises. I’ve learned it’s because they don’t understand. I’ve learned it’s because the fear people associate with change isn’t really change, but fear of not trusting themselves to jump and follow their own dreams. I’ve learned it’s because I am a pain in the ass and when I have my sights set on something I’m passionate about, I’m nearly unstoppable. I’ll get knocked around. I’ll cry. I’ll get angry and try to force things I feel to be true. I have lost. But in the end of it all, I have won more than I lost. It was because I don’t fear the unknown. I trusted my faith that grew during my detox and travel to Haiti. That’s why I’m able to follow my dreams and reconstruct my thoughts. It was because of those amazing experiences and supportive voices that allowed me to see a different vision for myself.

I’ve changed my mind … therefore, I have changed my life
I’m on the pursuit of happiness
Change is my happiness
What’s your happiness?

Bay Area Quickies

I’ve sold my home in Oregon
I’m at my moms, tying up some deals
I’m heading to Colorado in a few days.
Being here has been an experience, for sure. I’ve visited people and places I haven’t been to in years. Seriously has me feeling some kind of way, for sure. People have offered me work, places to stay, and support that was unexpected and much appreciative. I can’t stay though. Not because I don’t want to – but because I can’t. I’m not running away from anything. There’s good stuff here, yeah, but it’s not enough. I need more. I need different. I need nature, trees, greenery, healthy air quality, nicer people, and outright new people in my life. My ambitions are too many, and too strong to stay stagnant. Finding a job here, living somewhere nice, and getting a routine in the grind of the Bay Area is far from any ambition or dream I have for myself. Please don’t be mad at me for that.
My travels will be published on my social media networks. I am seriously on a mission. I have no clue what I’m doing but I’m doing it. I’m emotionally unstable because I’m still healing from the damage done months ago. My love has grown deeper in the last couple of days and there is no way I am going to settle right now. My vision is beyond this place.
I have taken a path that is unknown. I’m traveling a well worn path because I feel our ancestors’ energy with me. I’m not lost. I’m not confused. I’m sure as hell not dense, egotistical or narcissistic. This mission will be the foundation of the word of our ancestors. To communicate is extremely important to me. This journey will help me, as #CupOfJoBruno, to find the strength, courage, and wisdom to know how to speak the words properly and in enough respect to gift them to The People.
I can’t do that in the Bay Area. But my heart will be here. All my hard work will come back here. I will make sure that what ever it is I’m doing as I’m traveling with the ancestors will be noticed in the Bay Area. You better believe that when I write my next bio or writers blurb, I will represent the 925.
I am a white female who grew up in the streets of Pittsburg , California. I’m a product of 80s rap in the Bay Area. Or shall I say Yay Area? I am a rear breed, indeed. I’ve identified a few of us , but we are rare. I will take my Bay Area flare with me everywhere I go. When I’m speaking the truth of the ancestors, I will make sure my little girl is playing right along with them.
So, just because I’m leaving doesn’t mean I’m not still here. I got your back, no matter where I’m at!

About.me/w3sternjo is where you can find me.