Bay Area Born ~ Traveling Spirit

Forever representing the 925
Born and raised in the Bay Area
The product of 80s Hip Hop
Italian/Sicilian family with strong local roots
Lost in the system of America
My heritage was missing and unrecorded
Unknown during my own troubled youth
I traveled over the train tracks to Downtown
Learned the Culture of the streets
So many bloody fist fights with parental figures 

Borrowed, used, beaten, and exploited

High school sweet heart and a Miscarried Seed
Broken femur by The Red Camaro incident
Hospitalized during high school graduation
Broken heart by The Blackened Shadow
Hiding behind the pain endured
To the streets I returned
Adult Street Worker making money
Getting caught up in the remnants of 80s rap
Acted the roll and provided for the Bay Area scene
The White Privilege of my Italian skin
The Ghetto Attitude of my street personality
Provided just enough to get me places 

Borrowed, used, beaten, and exploited

Broken Spirit caused by my Split Moral
In love with a client, I had become
Promises made hold strong today
Sneaking away with their hidden truths
Secrets held within the depths of my Lovers’ embrace
Falling further and further away, I sought balance
In the southern Oregon trees I found peace
Spirit building, fresh water bathing, and snow meditations
The fluidity of my Spirit and the oils of other lifestyles didn’t mix
A newly found Traveling Spirit back to the Bay Area
No, not to the streets this time
Traveling within The System, I found an Education
Love of graphics, writing, and production
Love of leadership, community, and family
Learned perspectives of those I followed in my youth
Difficult to distinguish the Difference of Viewpoints
Struggled with double standards, “Black Cards,” and the “One Drop” rule
It was the words of Cornel West that motivated me to change roles
Adult perspectives of the role I played in the 80s Hip Hop scene 

Borrowed, used, beaten, and exploited

I returned to the trees of Oregon, further north to the Willamette Valley
Strange combination of earth, love, and social normality
No regards of Old Street Life or addictive sexual desires repeating
I found Myself buried deep in that 4-year journey
I learned forgiveness, understanding, and social requirements
Italian/Sicilian blood, Bay Area roots, and a Systematic Education
Forgotten history, misplaced childhood, and now an angry adult
In love I had fallen, to The Man on the Moon
Familiar spirits, like past lives reconnecting and breaking again
It’s another puzzle piece to the layered Leo Drama of society’s life
Ronin spirit with an external shell representing and supporting the 925
Bay Area born, street smart, physical labor, and educated through the University
Teachers from the other side of the tracks as well as the other side of the trailers
Acceptance of such things has given me ambition to go further
New journey with a strange Toolbox
I’m awaiting my turn to accomplish another Dream
Nestled somewhere in the Colorado Rockies with an unknown destination
Following my dreams has taken me on a homeless route 

Borrowed, used, beaten, and exploited

I have returned to the Earth to settle my sorrows in Her soil
I am the little White Girl who craves attention
I am the angry Teenager who hates herself
I am the easy Young Woman who fights addiction
I am the ignorant Spirit Traveler who teaches self-love
I am the arrogant Leo Queen who forces truth 

Borrowed, used, beaten, and exploited

Those five characters now wrapped by The Three-Bound Knot
Third Eye open and I’m creating Solitude and Oneness
These hands in the soil created an introduction to a New Being
The Universe has helped me create another way to live and love
Collection of all encompassing entities, past and present
My Ancestors are speaking to me, guiding me, and protecting me
Away this body, mind, heart and spirit will go
Its purpose is to continue to fly and grow

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Thinking of suicide? Read me

Because the stories of suicide survivors and mourners are extremely important. Based on my last blog – suicide ain’t no joke! We, suicide survivors have a responsibility to share our stories and the stories of those who have succeeded in taking their lives. Depression, mental health, and support is extremely important! Shine on, bright lights of love! Many blessings!

takingthemaskoff

“You see the giant and the shepherd in the valley and Elah and your eye is drawn to the man with the sword and shield and the glittering armor. But so much of what is beautiful and valuable in the world comes from the shepherd, who has more strength and purpose than we can ever imagine.”

 -Malcolm Gladwell

 

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I survived a suicide attempt, spent years in rehab centers, jails, psych hospitals. Now I have worked as a supervisor at these type of facilities.

However my friend, he did not. This is what suicide looks like. This is him after hanging himself, right before he died.

 

The difference is nothing. He grew up in a dysfunctional home, where the norm was drug use, and physical, emotional, and psychological abuse. They didn’t have money, we did. He went to jail, he stayed. I went to jail, I got bailed out…

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Let’s recap, rethink, reprocess, and …

Let’s rewind … Here’s a quick run down of the #CupOfJoBruno I remember. Here’s what I’ve been processing since my detox started over a year ago …

Ages 8-14
People called me Jo Jo. My father had found love elsewhere and my parents divorced. I was listening to 2 live crew since I was 9. I was sexually active by 11. Visiting family back and forth. Threats, fights, and busted windows. Busted lips, thrown screw drivers, and name calling. No need to sneak out, I could just walk out. Spam, white bread, and Mac n Cheese. Listening to mother and her boys by sharing wall space. Ew! Drinking, road trips, molested. Travel over the train tracks. Teachers, rulers, drugs. I met my high school lover …

14-23

Oh high school. No more fights with mom. Sex and weed. Sex and weed. Sex and weed. Cartoons, music videos, sex, and weed. Road trips with sex and weed. You get the point! I was in love. Fights at school, miscarriage, he needed stitches. I bit him. Need to go to a continuation school. Sex and weed. Fights with black girls, blow jobs, and math. Senior year I get straight. Must graduate. Attempted to take my life in the kitchen. Knife in place, but photo on fridge stopped me. A fuckin car hits me right before graduation! In hospital while my people walk. Special roses for me. I’m nearly 400 lbs. Old enough to drink, I was back on the streets. Boyfriend not happy. He leaves. Didn’t hear from him for 2 years later.

24-27
Warehousing, prostitution, runnin the streets again! Security guards, iron workers, truck drivers, and supervisors. 76 Chevy step side, XRPM, music, and sex. Drinkin, sexin, and grindin. Had my shit locked down. Nobody knew me! Then he showed up! Damn! We was runnin hard together. Lovers, rulers, and teachers. Shit went down. I ran away. Damn!

27-28
Nervous fuckin break down. Moved away. Hours upon hours walking the fields of an unknown area. Nude bathing, daily blessings in the sun and moon light, and pure silence during a snow storm at 3 in the morning. So many tears, so little conversations, and my body was not being mistreated no more! Realized it was time. I moved back … Not to the streets, nope!

28-33
I’m a student now. Goin to school. Graphic design, writing, journalism, and Black America. Nobody knew me. NOBODY KNEW ME! Did I share my past with anyone? I don’t think I did … Maybe a couple, but nah! Nobody knew me before my break down and spiritual growth. Lifers didn’t start here, y’all were still be tested. No longer around. I was scared, closed off, and nobody got in! Sex? Nah, I’m good. One man got in. Then another man got in. They didn’t know! My Aunty died. I died. I moved. Best friend, university, and showing my true self. Studying, growing, and appreciating nature. Gardening, art parties, and strong beautiful women. Magic, fairies, my hobbit hole. I’m not feeling good. Very sick. Much pain. So scared! I’m alone again … Medical records return. Must do something before it’s too late. Alone, scared, nobody knew! He was there… She was there… Mourning, sadness, and womanhood.

33-34
Detox was brutal. Alone still. He’s there and she’s there! Late nights conversations, planning trips, travel to Haiti. Ronin! Fall in love with the man on the moon. My spirituality grew. Connected to the ancestors. Haitian love, intense feelings of love, and connections made from past lives. Who was I, really? Oh?!?! That’s who I am. Holy shit! I’m fuckin rad, yo! Okay, my head got a little big for a minute, but damn though … I’m lookin good, feelin great, and I want more out of life. I put my plan into action and it worked … Maybe a little too good … Shit went down. Real bad things were said. I realized I was lying to everyone because I was lying to myself. I went back to my street tactics and everyone around me didn’t know what to do. MEMOIRS WERE STARTED! I was doing a school project and I started writing my life story about when I was on the streets. It made me miss a lot. I forgot to separate my life from my story. I was finding me. I enjoyed it. It got crazy. I got crazy. I break down, again because I was back peddling and trying to right my wrongs. I reacted to my regret of actions took. I was in love. Emotions high. Mistakes made. So much pain. What’s that? I’m graduating? I miss my aunt! I miss my best friend. I miss my people. Lifers are presented, others gone. I’m scared still. No money. Can’t afford rent. I was bailed out a few times. I fucked up. Lost my house. Homeless and traveling now. Small, but strong support group…

34-?
I’m taking a step forward … I’m okay … There’s a sense of joy I cannot explain. I’m healing from my mistakes. I cry often, listen to critique, and try to change the characteristics about myself that people seem to have problems with. I’m trying. I’m growing. I’m experiencing something new. I’m sorry! I’m okay. I’m scared. I’m happy. I’m taking a step forward. It’s time…