Let’s rewind … Here’s a quick run down of the #CupOfJoBruno I remember. Here’s what I’ve been processing since my detox started over a year ago …
People called me Jo Jo. My father had found love elsewhere and my parents divorced. I was listening to 2 live crew since I was 9. I was sexually active by 11. Visiting family back and forth. Threats, fights, and busted windows. Busted lips, thrown screw drivers, and name calling. No need to sneak out, I could just walk out. Spam, white bread, and Mac n Cheese. Listening to mother and her boys by sharing wall space. Ew! Drinking, road trips, molested. Travel over the train tracks. Teachers, rulers, drugs. I met my high school lover …
Oh high school. No more fights with mom. Sex and weed. Sex and weed. Sex and weed. Cartoons, music videos, sex, and weed. Road trips with sex and weed. You get the point! I was in love. Fights at school, miscarriage, he needed stitches. I bit him. Need to go to a continuation school. Sex and weed. Fights with black girls, blow jobs, and math. Senior year I get straight. Must graduate. Attempted to take my life in the kitchen. Knife in place, but photo on fridge stopped me. A fuckin car hits me right before graduation! In hospital while my people walk. Special roses for me. I’m nearly 400 lbs. Old enough to drink, I was back on the streets. Boyfriend not happy. He leaves. Didn’t hear from him for 2 years later.
Warehousing, prostitution, runnin the streets again! Security guards, iron workers, truck drivers, and supervisors. 76 Chevy step side, XRPM, music, and sex. Drinkin, sexin, and grindin. Had my shit locked down. Nobody knew me! Then he showed up! Damn! We was runnin hard together. Lovers, rulers, and teachers. Shit went down. I ran away. Damn!
Nervous fuckin break down. Moved away. Hours upon hours walking the fields of an unknown area. Nude bathing, daily blessings in the sun and moon light, and pure silence during a snow storm at 3 in the morning. So many tears, so little conversations, and my body was not being mistreated no more! Realized it was time. I moved back … Not to the streets, nope!
I’m a student now. Goin to school. Graphic design, writing, journalism, and Black America. Nobody knew me. NOBODY KNEW ME! Did I share my past with anyone? I don’t think I did … Maybe a couple, but nah! Nobody knew me before my break down and spiritual growth. Lifers didn’t start here, y’all were still be tested. No longer around. I was scared, closed off, and nobody got in! Sex? Nah, I’m good. One man got in. Then another man got in. They didn’t know! My Aunty died. I died. I moved. Best friend, university, and showing my true self. Studying, growing, and appreciating nature. Gardening, art parties, and strong beautiful women. Magic, fairies, my hobbit hole. I’m not feeling good. Very sick. Much pain. So scared! I’m alone again … Medical records return. Must do something before it’s too late. Alone, scared, nobody knew! He was there… She was there… Mourning, sadness, and womanhood.
Detox was brutal. Alone still. He’s there and she’s there! Late nights conversations, planning trips, travel to Haiti. Ronin! Fall in love with the man on the moon. My spirituality grew. Connected to the ancestors. Haitian love, intense feelings of love, and connections made from past lives. Who was I, really? Oh?!?! That’s who I am. Holy shit! I’m fuckin rad, yo! Okay, my head got a little big for a minute, but damn though … I’m lookin good, feelin great, and I want more out of life. I put my plan into action and it worked … Maybe a little too good … Shit went down. Real bad things were said. I realized I was lying to everyone because I was lying to myself. I went back to my street tactics and everyone around me didn’t know what to do. MEMOIRS WERE STARTED! I was doing a school project and I started writing my life story about when I was on the streets. It made me miss a lot. I forgot to separate my life from my story. I was finding me. I enjoyed it. It got crazy. I got crazy. I break down, again because I was back peddling and trying to right my wrongs. I reacted to my regret of actions took. I was in love. Emotions high. Mistakes made. So much pain. What’s that? I’m graduating? I miss my aunt! I miss my best friend. I miss my people. Lifers are presented, others gone. I’m scared still. No money. Can’t afford rent. I was bailed out a few times. I fucked up. Lost my house. Homeless and traveling now. Small, but strong support group…
I’m taking a step forward … I’m okay … There’s a sense of joy I cannot explain. I’m healing from my mistakes. I cry often, listen to critique, and try to change the characteristics about myself that people seem to have problems with. I’m trying. I’m growing. I’m experiencing something new. I’m sorry! I’m okay. I’m scared. I’m happy. I’m taking a step forward. It’s time…