It’s been awhile since I posted, and it’s not because I haven’t been writing. I haven’t posted because what I’ve been writing has been difficult and emotional. But, it’s time isn’t it. It’s time I share one major piece of my life puzzle. It’s time to admit that something has connected within. Something has grown within. Something is created. It’s strong, too!
That wonderful fluttering feeling in my inner core has been an on going struggle because the love I created over the past year is still present and strong. That love reminded me of so much. Or maybe it was the original love (10+ years ago) that made me fall in love this time around. I have asked myself if the reason I fell in love this time around was to remind myself of the love everything started with. Yeah, is it possible? Isn’t that how Universal Messages work? Is it possible that this recent core flutter of love, appreciation, admiration, and pure light is a reflection of what was before? I think it is, to an extent. I think I missed it last time though; I didn’t see it as such. I believe one of the reason I started the newer path of love was because I was reminded of my original love. The original love I speak of was the beginning of my light.
Okay, before I continue … Yes, of course I was in love in high school, but this is different. My high school sweet heart was a difficult, adolescent love. It was a darker love. This other man, where my inner core flutters steam from, was a client I fell in love with. As a sex worker (I hate the term prostitute), I used my skills on many men – many married men, as a matter of fact. While I worked the streets, I was very emotionally shut down. This guy opened my heart chakra. This guy challenged me to find my inner peace. This guy planted a seed that has grown since that first day I met him; I just didn’t realize it until this recent love was built and destroyed. He is who introduced God to me. He is who taught me how to relax my body. He is … very significant.
You see, I’m writing my memoirs from when I worked at the warehouse. I’ve been writing it for over a year now. This man I speak of is a main character in that story. I fell in love with this man. I was a different person then, of course. I didn’t know anything about what I wanted in life. I didn’t understand my daddy issues. I wasn’t aware of my heartache and pain of a troubled youth. Not anywhere near what I know now about myself…
There are parallels that I’m working with right now. There are so many similarities in my love for these two men. And, I will stand by my word and say that I did fall in love with the most recent man for specific reasons (very valid and real reasons, too), but I wonder if the reason I got so comfortable so quickly was because I was remembering the love I created 10+ years ago. See the irony? I’m working with this now. I’m working with the idea that maybe, just maybe, my love for this newer guy had a possible thought of happiness because I was remembering my original love. I look at this newer man and I see many things in our lives that wouldn’t mesh very well. I think we’re of different passions, desires, and dream structures. And there’s nothing wrong with that, but I don’t think a happy future would have been possible.
I have made contact with him … my king … he’s asked me to wait for him. He has two and a half more years in prison. Why is he in prison? I don’t know! I’ve heard a few different stories, but I do not know his truth. And, it’s not important right now. People are telling me to be safe, not to trust him, and that I shouldn’t have contacted him in the first place. People are wrong! People don’t know. What’s going on inside of me – and him, too – is between him and I. I’m sharing my struggle here because it’s very significant story of my life, which deserves to be here with the rest of it.
I’m working, living, and loving in the now but I remember the then. It’s hard! As I’m healing, I’m also building. As I’m letting go, I’m attaching. As I cry, I laugh! I’m getting involved with a lot. I’m making impressions with the right people. I’ve been in this location for 8 weeks. It’s exactly where I need to be, and I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m building a name for myself again. I’m pursuing my dreams. I’m connecting with people. I’m making a difference in the lives of those I touch. Two and a half years from now, who knows where I’ll be. I can’t say that I will wait for him, but I can’t deny him either. The love is too strong, still.
I paused for a minute to recollect my thoughts (and clear the tears from my eyes) so I didn’t get off topic … and it’s so strange because I’m almost done with my memoirs. I have about three more chapters to write before I’m ready to send it out for edits and critiques. By January, I will have it finished and ready for publication. I will send him a copy, of course. How will it make him feel to know he’s my main character? Even though some of the stories in the memoir weren’t specifically moments him and I shared, but nonetheless, he’s my main character.
So, yeah … That’s where I’m at right now. I’m still exercising. My planks and core muscles are getting stronger. My waist is fading. My hips are slimming. My ass is firm. My body feels great. I’m healthy. I’m broke as fuck and can’t afford anything at this point, but I’m working on making the right impressions, like I said, and I have faith! I know I won’t be homeless. I know I won’t be cold at night. I know I’ll have food. I’ll be safe through the winter. I’m blessed, indeed.
But in all honesty, I still cry myself to sleep. I still crave the embrace of someone who loves me. I still feel my inner core pulling me closer to my destiny. I still believe in the numbers, my intuition, and the strength that comes with owning and loving all parts of me. I’ve realized in recent days that I’m not hiding any parts of me anymore. I don’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing at the wrong time or even the right thing at the right time. I have nothing to hide anymore, and the purity of my message is becoming easier to share.
I think about who I was then, who I am now, and who I might be in two and a half years. #CupOfJoBruno prison style is under way. He has information I need. He is my inside connection. I just didn’t realize I was going to fall in love with him again. I didn’t realize I was in love with him then. It’s funny how a voice can ease so much pain and sorrow, even after 8 years of not talking.
I think about my detox last year and the struggles of my unborn child. I think about my trip to Haiti and the connections to my ancestors. I think about people I’ve grown apart from. I think about new connections being made. I think about happiness, peace, and love. I think it’s possible. I think I’m worth it. True, unconditional love … is it a thing? One could hope, right? I have hope.