I’m angry, not destructive …

Anger management is a challenge.

I tell myself, “Take a deep breath.”

I do it.

Nope, I’m still angry.

I take another deep breath.

“Through your nose, out your mouth.”

Nope, now I’m angrier than before.

I can’t calm my anger with deep breathing.

I feel my heart start to race.

I feel my breathing become more like asthma.

I close my eyes.

I envision I’m punching something.

Pain. Adrenaline. Deep breathe.

I do not punch a wall.

I pinch myself.

Pain. Not enough.

I tell myself, “Manage your anger.”

I can’t.

I’m too angry to manage it.

Managing it makes me angry.

Breathing makes me angry.

“Fuck! There’s the anxiety.”

Heart rate continues to go up and deep breathing isn’t helping.

Here come the negative thoughts.

It’s been over an hour and I’m still angry.

Why can’t I calm my anger?

Why am I still angry?

Then it happens.

I cry.

Uncontrollable, hyperventilating tears fall down my cheeks.

Unhappiness, frustration, and the feeling of failure are all too familiar struggles. When it all comes boiling down to one particular moment, I get angry. I can get so angry that I refuse to identify the real, underlining issue, which makes me even angrier. I used to be a cutter because of this uncontrollable sense of anger that flows through me.

So passionate.

So much passion I can’t contain.

I cry harder.

I pinch harder.

I’m still angry.

I can’t breath.

My head hurts.

My eyes hurt.

Pain. Release. Calm.

Nothing is helping.

I’m tired.

I can’t do it anymore.

The anger has won for now.

I cry.

I pinch myself.

I will not cut.

I am angry.

I will not punch a wall.

I am angry.

I admit my anger has gotten the best of me.

I accept it.

I will overcome it soon.

I am angry.

I am not destructive.

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Holding onto The Hurt for Too Long ~ Letting Go ~ Releasing The Pain

This blog will be a free write. You’re warned! I’m probably not going to hold back much. I might over share, but please visit the FIRST THREE paragraphs of my previous blog. They apply here! ~ Here I go  ~

Fifteen years later and I’m finally mourning the death of my unborn child. I finally came to terms with that situation and forgave a man I will probably never receive an apology from. That’s growth, isn’t it? How many of you can say you’ve forgiven your high school sweetheart for breaking your heart? Did you ever receive an apology for the way he or she treated you? I didn’t think so. Further, have you ever taken the time to acknowledge the pain you experienced because of such an event? Not many people have, really. Now, I’m not judging whatsoever; I’m admitting that I’ve been there; I’m admitting I’m there now.

I cannot even begin to tell you how fucked I was during my DETOX. It wasn’t the FOOD detox. It wasn’t the smoking detox, either. It was the SHEDDING of my clogged uterus that caused a complete and utter melt down. It’s been about two weeks since I experienced this melt down and I’m still angry when I revisit the emotions, pain and confusion of the entire situation. It was horrible, really. But, I need to get this out and I cannot keep putting it aside. I have tried over and over to find things to keep me occupied, but I cannot do it any longer.

So, there I was, forcing bleeding. The pain I experienced and the amount of blood I discharged reminded me of when I had a miscarriage, my junior year in high school. I was almost 4 months pregnant when I lost it. The father, a boy I met the winter break before the first year of high school, was the love of my life. We had a typical high school relationship and typical high school drama. Well, when I told him I had miscarried our baby, I think I choose the wrong time and place to tell him. In the middle of class is probably not the best time to tell your boyfriend you had a miscarriage. Okay, lessoned learned, I won’t do that again. Well, when I told him, he said, “I don’t care! It’s probably not mine anyways.” Ouch, right?! I flipped out on him and … long story short … we fought. It was so bad, we were pushed into the hallway, where I charged him and he caught me in a headlock. The first thing that came to mind was to bite; so I did. Ouch! I took a chunk of skin out of the left side of that man’s waist.

I never mourned the loss of my child with him – until now. I never thought about it much after that. My relationship with him changed, of course. We fought all the time. We didn’t spend much time together either. It was probably 8 months later when I finally talked to him again after that fight. He wasn’t around much during my senior year. He only started coming around again when the car hit me. Well, he eventually left me for good and I have held so much anger and hatred toward him this entire time. The heartache of losing my child and then losing him for good was so much that I didn’t know how to deal with it. I still don’t know how to deal with it. I’m seriously having a hard time writing this blog.

All I really know is that I’ve forgiven him, finally, for leaving me. I understand why he did. It was too difficult. Instead of fighting with me, because that’s all we really did, he left. How can I be mad at that still? Yeah, writing that made me smile. Acknowledging that I’ve forgiven him makes me lighter. I honestly feel I’ve released something that’s been bottled up for over 15 years. I’m making room for positive, more brighter things. Forgiving him gave me so much peace. I will probably never get an apology from him, and that’s okay. You have no idea how amazing that is for me. I’ve told myself for many years that I would never forgive him. I promised myself to never forgive him because he didn’t deserve that. But really? Why would I want something that powerful to take so much of my energy? I need to use that energy for something loving. Instead of hating him and wishing him nothing but ill things, I’ve decided to love him and respect him. He deserves that.

Yeah! So, I’ve forgiven someone who hurt me. To do that, I had to relive the hurt. I had to figure out why I was so hurt. I had to remember my miscarriage. I had to recall the feeling of his flesh between my teeth – EW, right?! – I have not worked through any of this yet, however. Okay, I’ve mourned the death of my unborn child. I’ve called out his name, Dravin Allen H&#(@N, with love and care. I apologized to him (or her) for not giving him the opportunity to be my child. However, I also admitted that I was grateful it never happened. I’d have a 15 year old. I probably wouldn’t be living in my beautiful home. I would probably still be in the shit hole town I grew up in, seeing the same people from high school. Not quite the life I wanted to live. I’m happy not to have a 15 year old. I’m happy the father and I aren’t together, living in a small broken down apartment somewhere fighting all the time and struggling to buy diapers for our other children. Doesn’t sound fun or pleasing. I’m good with not having a child right now.

What I need to work on next is the abandonment and betrayal feelings that came along with these events. To top it off, I also have to deal with abandonment and betrayal issues in my life right now, not just in my past. I’m fighting the urge to throw up my walls and block people out of my life again. I’m not though! I also need to work on forgiving myself for biting him. I have to work on my anger and anxiety problems. I cannot allow myself to get so angry anymore. I need to notice when I’m getting that stressed out before it gets to that point. When I notice it, I need to have the courage to call out to someone. I need to call out to someone before it gets to the point that I’m punching walls. I shouldn’t be punching walls anymore. I need to find a way to let go of my anxieties and fears. I’ve stopped smoking, so that’s good, but it was my go to when I was anxious about something. I can’t do that anymore – I won’t do that anymore.

Having to find new, healthier habits is a hard thing to do. I want to start doing things with my hands. I’ve never built or created things with my hands. I just don’t know what I’m going to enjoy enough to pick up. I’ve started a patch work skirt project, so we’ll see how far this goes. I want to learn how to play an instrument, too. Maybe the guitar? How about the flute? OH! Drums, yeah! But these things won’t help when I’m at school, work, or in Haiti. So, I’m brainstorming some ideas – if you have any suggestions – please share them with me, thanks!

 

PHEW!

 

That’s a lot, I know! It’s fulfilling for me to share all of that with you, the reader. I may not know you and we may never talk, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have shared one of the most heartbreaking stories with complete strangers who have somewhat become my family. You’ve learned so much about me throughout these blogs that I can’t help but feel some kind of connection with you. I’ve read some of your blogs too. I appreciate that connection. Even for the reader who knows me and has talked to me personally – maybe even more then talking, I appreciate you too. I encourage you, the reader, to reflect on your heartaches. Forgive those who you’ll never receive an apology from. Mourn the loss of all those people who have died. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to release it. It’s okay to admit it. It won’t be easy and it will take a long time to get through some of it, but believe me, it’s so worth it. I feel better right this second then I did when I went skinning dipping and FOUND my pagan path. The release of such heartbreaking things has given me more strength that I know what to do with. Yeah, of course I’m still scared and fearful of many things, but I feel now that I’ve let go of so much, I have the opportunity to fill it up with something different.

You can do it too! I honestly believe the more we admit we have been heartbroken, the more we can love and be loved in the future. That’s really all we want, right? We just want to be loved. We want to love too. But, if we don’t love ourselves first, we cannot love others or allow others to truly love us. We need to accept the events in our past and be as okay as we can be with them. Of course, some major events might never be okay. Sometimes the pain is too deep and the conscious mind cannot filter through it. Therefore, that’s when dreams and meditation come in handy. The last three weeks, I have done so much meditation because there was no way to safely go through the heartache of my miscarriage. Now, I will focus on other pains and meditate on getting better.

I am still heartbroken. I am still angry. I am still sad. I’ve been telling myself for the past four days that I am on the happy side of the crappy realm. I’m walking aimlessly through life right now, just floating around, over thinking everything and somewhat enjoying it. I know myself well enough to know that I have about another week of this and I will begin to heal. By the time I write my next blog, I’ll probably be on the crappy side of the happy realm. Little by little, things will get easier.

*Many Bright, Beautiful Blessings