My Dreams and Desires come with High Expectations of Myself

It’s been a confusing adventure since graduating with my bachelors degree in June 2014. I’ve been homeless for over a year now. Yes, I had places to stay, and I was not on the streets for long. I did have support. I did have people who took me in. Honestly, I believe that while I was on this homeless adventure, I cashed in on karma points I racked up over the four years I lived in Oregon. I helped many people with no expectation or desire to be paid back for any of it. I helped people because they needed it and in turn, people helped me when I needed it. The thing is, however, I find myself upset about recent activities in my life. I find myself feeling as if someone owes me something, but I also know that isn’t true. I find myself with much hostility and a little give a damn. I find myself working through another cycle of PTSD because I trusted the wrong people once again, and I’m back on my homeless adventure.

I’m focusing my energy on what I need to accomplish now. I can’t have the sorrows of others becoming my own sorrows again. I was almost stuck in a situation that would have been very difficult to live with. I was uncomfortable, which encouraged me to focus on change; I was manifesting change, but I wasn’t expecting it to happen so quick. In the last year, it seems that as soon as I trusted my environment and found some comfort, I had to pack up quickly and move on to another place. Realizing all the quick changes, I kept telling myself that things happen for a reason, and I will continue to make my choices based on intuition. My intuitive nature has gotten me out of many potentially bad experiences. Yes, it has a lot to do with my choices toward the negative energy I have encountered, and maybe a part of me regrets reacting the way I did. Then again, when I look at it from all angles, I think that where I am and where I’m heading is exactly where I need to be.

Am I following my heart? Absolutely!

To me, going full circle means recognizing the past and present as a combined force that creates the future. As soon as I land my feet back in the Bay Area, I will consider my life to have taken a full circle. Okay, of course, things can always change and nobody really knows what the future holds. Nonetheless, I know that where I’m heading next is because I have visited and accepted my past. I started writing my memoirs during my senior year, and the PTSD and healing that came from that has strengthened my mind, body, and soul. Now, it’s time for me to focus on what I need to do to succeed for my future. All that matters right now is my future, which is not planned, but it is fated with passion and desire. It’s amazing to think that the book I wrote my senior year is the same book that got me back in contact with my man. I have a lot of research to do. I have plenty of things to find out. With all that I need to do, I have high expectations of myself, and I have faith that I will accomplish my dreams.

My dreams are big, my desires are strong, and my passion is empowering. The trauma I’ve experienced in my past is nothing more than pieces of the puzzle. Visiting my past has encouraged me to write my memoirs, which will be published soon. Accepting my past gave me strength to reach out to an old friend and lover. That old friend and lover is now the man I have chosen to plan my future with. He’s the memory from my past that takes up the majority of my book. He is my best friend, my partner, and my rock. As I said, my future is not planned, but with him by my side, it will be lived with much laughter, trust, and honor. Combining my past with my present has been a journey I will never forget; it’s in hundreds of hand-written letters. I have found love. I have found forgiveness. I have found me. What I will do with all of it is unsure, but becoming an author has been a long time dream. So, my standards are set for my success and with that success will come many more conversations about my passion for life and the importance of happiness.

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The Moment Fear Turns to Courage

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence
by each experience in which we really
stop to look fear in the face…
we must do that which
we think we cannot.”
~Eleanor Roosevelt

One must first be scared or anxious before they are courageous. In all things I have tried to succeed at, I have been slightly terrified the entire time. The more I followed that dream I set forth, the anxiety faded, of course, but I was still nervous about whatever it was I was trying to accomplish. It started with my path of college in 2008 when I enrolled at LMC to study journalism. The entire two years I spent there was full of so much anxiety and learning self-love. I was living in my hometown, constantly looking over my shoulder and hoping I would never cross paths with an old client; and I didn’t. I submerged myself into college, and I lived each day with as much focus toward a new life. In doing so, I turned my back on the person I truly am. It’s all good though, I’ve reintroduced myself to myself again.

I believe I had to hide that warehouse worker and prostitute into a corner so I could spend more time on school and getting to know myself on a different level. When attending the university system, nobody knew about my past. Nobody knew anything about me. I hardly shared anything about my past, and it didn’t seem that anyone was interested; which, I’m grateful for. I don’t know if I would have admitted the prostitution. I’m sure I would have lied about a lot if someone wanted to know what life was like for me at the warehouse. I didn’t want anyone knowing I was a mistress to many men. I didn’t even want to admit it to myself. I hid from that woman. Really, I was more like a girl on many levels then.

Not only have I written my memoirs about that time at the warehouse, I’ve sent it to the publisher already. I’m scared. I’m scared my clients or even family will read it. I’m scared it’ll be published, printed, and sold in many book stores. I’m scared of that success. But, it’s the same feeling toward my goals of accomplishing seven years of college. My college experience gave me the skills to write my book, so it’s all synced together. The four years I spent at WOU brought so much enlightenment. Owning a home, connecting with my ancestors, and traveling to Haiti changed the way I saw life; it made me want to share my story. It made me grow. It made me want to change; so I did.

I identified with that warehouse harlot I spent so much time running away from. Not only did I recognize her, I validated her and have fallen in love with her. I’m a worker. My body, mind, and soul are made to work. I cannot be a paper pusher. I cannot be someone stuck behind a desk and a computer. Who and what I am meant to be is all wrapped up in hip-hop music, blue-collar work, and sexual passions. Yes, the time spent in the college system taught me that I am a leader. I have a gift. It’s a gift I will not go into detail about now because it’s off topic, but the time spent in college taught me how to be a leader. But, the college industry is not where I belong. The corporate world is not where I belong. So, after graduation (almost a year ago), I had to find another path.

After losing my home in Oregon, I hit the road and found Colorado as my new stomping grounds. I’ve been here for six months and I’m doing something that terrifies me once again. Like I said, once I start something new I have an anxiety over it. I have this feeling that I’m not good enough. I don’t think I will fail, because I know I’ll succeed – lol – I have that faith in myself that I’ll kick ass at this new position (details in a minute). My lack of confidence is what drives me to do the best job that I can. Yes, I’m hard on myself. Yes, I have negative self-talk. Yes, I tell myself “You suck at life, Jo.” But, it doesn’t keep me down. It doesn’t keep me from accomplishing what it is I’ve set forth. That negative talk is what motivates me. I tell myself, after I tell myself that I suck, that I do not suck! Yes, I converse with myself about this all the time. Not only am I my worst critic, I am my best motivational speaker. I have learned that I need validation from the people who are teaching me new skills. That’s a childhood thing, I think. The lack of confidence I have in myself is from childhood trauma. I’ve had to learn how to motivate myself. I’ve had to learn to be my best motivational speaker because nobody ever gave me credit or validated me for anything I did; well, except for all the great blow jobs I gave. I was recognized for that, which is why I continued to do it. To be honest, it was the only thing I felt I was good at during that time in my life because it was the only thing I was recognized for. Now, however, I believe I am good at many more things.

This is where my new path comes in. I’m learning to be a truck driver. I have driven the truck a few times and I’m doing a good job. I get frustrated because I feel I should already get it. But damn! For someone who’s never driven a stick before, I’m doing alright. There are things I need to learn, of course. There are things I’m still having a hard time with, but I’m doing it. Yeah, I’m scared. Yeah, I’m anxious. Yeah, the nerves are tight when I’m driving. But, I’m doing it. That anxiety it keeping me going. When I hit a cone for the first time in the yard, I jumped out of the truck and said, “Damn it Jo! You suck.” Then, I laughed at myself, kicked the cone, and said, “Nah, you got this Jo! You’re doing fine.” And really, I did great. I am doing well. I’ve only killed the truck once. I’m learning how to downshift, which is the hardest damn thing I’ve ever tried to do. Or is it? I mean really. It seems like the hardest thing because it’s all new, and I have no knowledge of what I’m doing except the three times I’ve been behind the wheel. So yeah, it’s hard. But I got this!

I’m learning a new skill that will allow me to travel the country. I’m going to see so many new places and meet so many new people. Because I have identified with the warehouse harlot as well as the college leader, I’m going to kick so much ass on the road. Yeah, I ran away from that girl I was 10+ years ago, but after reconnecting with her and loving her for who she really is, I’m so grateful for all the experiences I had during that time; even the nasty hard experiences. They’re there, and I’m going to own that shit and continue to share my story with others. People have told me that I’m courageous for sharing my story and doing the truck driving thing. Is it courage? I mean, yeah one needs to be scared and anxious before they can be considered courageous, so I guess so, because damn y’all I’m terrified about what’s next. But regardless, I’m doing it, and I’m so fuckin’ excited I can’t hardly contain myself these days.

So look y’all, I share this blog with you because if you read it I hope you’ll be motivated on some level to accomplish something that you’re afraid of. Do you have a dream you’ve been dreaming? Take a step toward that dream no matter how scary it may seem. Use that fear, anxiety, and terror and focus it toward accomplishing something in your life. We are seeing dark days in our world. There is constant war, death, and open hatred toward others. But when we really identify with ourselves and love ourselves for all that we are, we can shine our lights and over power that darkness. It’s time for us to rise. It’s time for us to recognize our light within ourselves and shine bright. There are millions of us out there who are shinning already and I encourage all of you to shine, too. Please. We need you.

Bay Area Born ~ Traveling Spirit

Forever representing the 925
Born and raised in the Bay Area
The product of 80s Hip Hop
Italian/Sicilian family with strong local roots
Lost in the system of America
My heritage was missing and unrecorded
Unknown during my own troubled youth
I traveled over the train tracks to Downtown
Learned the Culture of the streets
So many bloody fist fights with parental figures 

Borrowed, used, beaten, and exploited

High school sweet heart and a Miscarried Seed
Broken femur by The Red Camaro incident
Hospitalized during high school graduation
Broken heart by The Blackened Shadow
Hiding behind the pain endured
To the streets I returned
Adult Street Worker making money
Getting caught up in the remnants of 80s rap
Acted the roll and provided for the Bay Area scene
The White Privilege of my Italian skin
The Ghetto Attitude of my street personality
Provided just enough to get me places 

Borrowed, used, beaten, and exploited

Broken Spirit caused by my Split Moral
In love with a client, I had become
Promises made hold strong today
Sneaking away with their hidden truths
Secrets held within the depths of my Lovers’ embrace
Falling further and further away, I sought balance
In the southern Oregon trees I found peace
Spirit building, fresh water bathing, and snow meditations
The fluidity of my Spirit and the oils of other lifestyles didn’t mix
A newly found Traveling Spirit back to the Bay Area
No, not to the streets this time
Traveling within The System, I found an Education
Love of graphics, writing, and production
Love of leadership, community, and family
Learned perspectives of those I followed in my youth
Difficult to distinguish the Difference of Viewpoints
Struggled with double standards, “Black Cards,” and the “One Drop” rule
It was the words of Cornel West that motivated me to change roles
Adult perspectives of the role I played in the 80s Hip Hop scene 

Borrowed, used, beaten, and exploited

I returned to the trees of Oregon, further north to the Willamette Valley
Strange combination of earth, love, and social normality
No regards of Old Street Life or addictive sexual desires repeating
I found Myself buried deep in that 4-year journey
I learned forgiveness, understanding, and social requirements
Italian/Sicilian blood, Bay Area roots, and a Systematic Education
Forgotten history, misplaced childhood, and now an angry adult
In love I had fallen, to The Man on the Moon
Familiar spirits, like past lives reconnecting and breaking again
It’s another puzzle piece to the layered Leo Drama of society’s life
Ronin spirit with an external shell representing and supporting the 925
Bay Area born, street smart, physical labor, and educated through the University
Teachers from the other side of the tracks as well as the other side of the trailers
Acceptance of such things has given me ambition to go further
New journey with a strange Toolbox
I’m awaiting my turn to accomplish another Dream
Nestled somewhere in the Colorado Rockies with an unknown destination
Following my dreams has taken me on a homeless route 

Borrowed, used, beaten, and exploited

I have returned to the Earth to settle my sorrows in Her soil
I am the little White Girl who craves attention
I am the angry Teenager who hates herself
I am the easy Young Woman who fights addiction
I am the ignorant Spirit Traveler who teaches self-love
I am the arrogant Leo Queen who forces truth 

Borrowed, used, beaten, and exploited

Those five characters now wrapped by The Three-Bound Knot
Third Eye open and I’m creating Solitude and Oneness
These hands in the soil created an introduction to a New Being
The Universe has helped me create another way to live and love
Collection of all encompassing entities, past and present
My Ancestors are speaking to me, guiding me, and protecting me
Away this body, mind, heart and spirit will go
Its purpose is to continue to fly and grow

Bay Area Quickies

I’ve sold my home in Oregon
I’m at my moms, tying up some deals
I’m heading to Colorado in a few days.
Being here has been an experience, for sure. I’ve visited people and places I haven’t been to in years. Seriously has me feeling some kind of way, for sure. People have offered me work, places to stay, and support that was unexpected and much appreciative. I can’t stay though. Not because I don’t want to – but because I can’t. I’m not running away from anything. There’s good stuff here, yeah, but it’s not enough. I need more. I need different. I need nature, trees, greenery, healthy air quality, nicer people, and outright new people in my life. My ambitions are too many, and too strong to stay stagnant. Finding a job here, living somewhere nice, and getting a routine in the grind of the Bay Area is far from any ambition or dream I have for myself. Please don’t be mad at me for that.
My travels will be published on my social media networks. I am seriously on a mission. I have no clue what I’m doing but I’m doing it. I’m emotionally unstable because I’m still healing from the damage done months ago. My love has grown deeper in the last couple of days and there is no way I am going to settle right now. My vision is beyond this place.
I have taken a path that is unknown. I’m traveling a well worn path because I feel our ancestors’ energy with me. I’m not lost. I’m not confused. I’m sure as hell not dense, egotistical or narcissistic. This mission will be the foundation of the word of our ancestors. To communicate is extremely important to me. This journey will help me, as #CupOfJoBruno, to find the strength, courage, and wisdom to know how to speak the words properly and in enough respect to gift them to The People.
I can’t do that in the Bay Area. But my heart will be here. All my hard work will come back here. I will make sure that what ever it is I’m doing as I’m traveling with the ancestors will be noticed in the Bay Area. You better believe that when I write my next bio or writers blurb, I will represent the 925.
I am a white female who grew up in the streets of Pittsburg , California. I’m a product of 80s rap in the Bay Area. Or shall I say Yay Area? I am a rear breed, indeed. I’ve identified a few of us , but we are rare. I will take my Bay Area flare with me everywhere I go. When I’m speaking the truth of the ancestors, I will make sure my little girl is playing right along with them.
So, just because I’m leaving doesn’t mean I’m not still here. I got your back, no matter where I’m at!

About.me/w3sternjo is where you can find me.