A Righteous Path of Faith, Self Reflection and Homelessness

What does one do when they realize they might have fucked up? Laugh! I find myself laughing! I catch myself dancing. I still pray often; in fact, I started reading the bible for the first time ever. I am always writing. And, I tell myself that “This too shall pass.”

Did I fuck up though? Am I a fuck up? That self-dialog does tend to come sneaking in when I’m feeling lost. You see, depression is no joke, and when one is homeless, sleeping in their car or crashing on the couches of strangers, one must ask … What went wrong? Where did I mess up? How did I get here? Then, the anxiety sneaks in and breathing become so difficult. Breathing is hard. Oh the sting and fear of suicide is still there. Those thoughts will always be there. But I’m stronger than that.

I am stronger than that, indeed!

My ego and pride are out the window at this point. My weakness is my strength. To admit that the situation I am in is absolutely from my own choices. I blame nobody but myself. Yeah, I did this. To admit that says a lot. I don’t blame the system. I don’t blame the choices of other people. I don’t blame the trauma from my childhood. I don’t blame any of it. Actually, I don’t even blame myself I guess.

This is my life right now. I just graduated less than a year ago and I’m officially homeless. It’s strange. I have a car – which has radiator problems, of course (lol) – but I have a car. I have food. I have clothes on my back. And I have a new friend’s roof over my head for now. That little girl within myself that I’ve been tending to over the years is safe. The strong woman I have become is responsible for only myself. I do not have children (yet), and I have the loving support of a strong man behind me.

I’m scared though. I know I won’t be able to live this way for long. Not having a safe place to rest my head on a regular basis will take its toll on my life and spiritual strength. I am still weak. I am still afraid. I am confused. I am loved, supported, and respected by my peers. The Universe has brought me to this place and I have accepted it fully. When I’m in my moment, I feel a sense of calm. Even with the anxiety attacks from sleeping in my backseat when it’s 12 degrees outside, there’s a sense of love and light.

Homelessness is not a choice. I have two jobs. I’m working on many things but I have very little cash. I’m in debt, I have no credit, and home is far far away. It’s up to me now to get myself out of this situation I’ve put myself into. I know this. Nobody is going to bail me out this time. My tight support group has become smaller and smaller as time goes on, and right now I question those who once considered themselves loyal friends. It’s strange that I have revisited an old love from 10+ years ago, which has brought me to a place I never thought possible.

My next step will need to be thought out and strategically planned because the next journey I set forth for myself will also be his path, too. Yes, I’m in love. That’s what’s getting me through this homeless situation I am in. It’s where the laughs come from. His love has brought dancing back into my daily life. I have found God because of this man, and there’s nothing that can happen in my life that will break me down. The love we have built and revisited has given me the strength and encouragement that I need to further this path of righteousness of self reflection, homelessness, and faith.

We are doing God’s work.
We are students of His.
We will continue to work with the love and light we have together, even when I’m homeless and he’s … well, he’s stuck right now.
My guardians and spirit guides are telling me stay put and focus on myself for awhile; so that’s what I’m doing…

Oh, and I’m still writing about that Bay Area Harlot I once was ❤ Publications soon, y’all!

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Enacted Desires

This was written during one of the nights I processed through much heartache. This particular piece was produced through the thoughts of how difficult it is to live, and love as an empath. I easily get confused by which thoughts are mine and which aren’t when it gets to this point. I tend to make choices based on these thoughts, but then forgetting I may be acting out of desire, and not fact … Many people tend to leave when this happens …

Many believe that desire is suffrage … I do not agree … If the desire that this poem portrays is considered suffering, I need to come up with another word for suffer because these desires are the very things that motivate me. If it wasn’t for these desires, I wouldn’t move. If it wasn’t for these desires, I wouldn’t change. If I am to believe that desire is a form of suffering, I would then have to believe that my motivation is suffering me too.

*Twitch* does not compute … My point is … Desire, passion, and emotion in general is all that encompasses me. If these things are the things that … For lack of a better phrase … Make me suffer … Ick! Not playing the victim, here … But really, if my entire being is encompassed by the things people consider to be suffering from, I think it’s healthy for me to desire a partner who can ease those emotions. When I find someone who does that, I fall in love, in some kind of way.

I pick up, and recycle energy all the time. I do it by choice, yes! Sometimes When I go to recycle it, funny things happen to me. The personal growth that came with this poem is definitely one of the happiest, funny things since I started recycling energy on a healthier level. Then, sometimes love gets the best of me, and i forget who’s energy is who’s. It sucks when that happens …

But here is one of my poems … Enacted Desires …

The thought of …

… Your bare chest against my back

Leaves me to rest my heavy head on your shoulder

… Your muscular arms wrapped around my body

Leaves me to release my overworked empathic shield into your embrace

… Your strong base grinding against my ass

Leaves me to exhale my exotic words into your ear

… Your sturdy limbs intertwined with my limbs

Leaves me to feel blessed in our web of secrets

The desires of …

… You softly whispering “Hello” in my ear

Leaves me to say “I love you”

… You unknowingly giving sensation to my body

Leaves me to move with approval

… You unexpectedly sharing insight to my soul

Leaves me to smile with enthusiasm

… You continuously releasing energy into my spirit

Leaves me to cry with gratitude

Things are brighter now, because …

… You are my surprise safe place

I wish you knew me

… You are my every desired thought

I pray you hear me

… You are my single worst fear

I trust you love me

… You are my late night dream

I hope you see me

This is my truth

This is my truth …
I see the blood
I hear the screams
I feel the pain
I smell the fires
I can even touch the fear 

This is my truth
I am the blood
I am the screams
I am the pain
I am the fires
I am the fear

This is my truth
I choose to bleed
I choose to scream
I choose to feel pain
I choose to start fires
I choose to fight against fear

This is my truth
I encourage the fight against bloodshed
I encourage the use of a microphone to strengthen the voices
I encourage the lessons learned from overcoming the pain
I encourage the willingness of change and fluidity to put out the flames
I encourage the people to stand up, raise their fists, and demand their freedom

This is my truth
What’s your truth?!
Can we work together?!
What can we learn from each other?!

Have you seen death?
Was your voice ever silenced?
Is your pain over?
How hot is your flame?
Are you ready to work?

Let’s start by sharing another story …

Ego Check!

Why is it so difficult for us to take responsibility for our actions, thoughts and decisions instead of setting blame elsewhere? Is it a human being and characteristic thing or is that a cultural and how-someone-was-brought-up thing? Is it something that changes over time? I’ve been working through this for awhile now. For the past couple of weeks I’ve been noticing more and more people blaming other people for their problems. But before that, I started noticing how I was setting BLAME on many people too.

I know it took me a long time to finally admit when I was wrong. And, I sometimes still have a problem with it. That’s ego, right? It makes me think that people who refuse to take responsibility for their own choices live with a large ego. I was one of those people, for a very long time. (Side Note: I went to tag this blog, but I just realized I never posted that blog – I need to reflect on my time at the warehouse and share my story – that’s next). I’ve learned, by trial and error and by being mindful and open, that admitting something I did “wrong” is freeing. I’ve learned that setting my ego aside when someone is expressing hurtful things towards me or blaming me for stuff is the true meaning of freedom.

Yeah, I get upset. I get angry still. I am a very emotional person. I cry easily. One day, I have faith, I will be able to be confronted by someone and not react with emotion or ego, but instead react calming and compassionately. I’m learning! That’s where I am in my growth. I can’t expect everyone to understand me. I can’t explain myself to someone if they’re not willing to hear me. What do I do with that? I have to accept it. I don’t like it, but I can put my ego aside and see their point of view. I will try to understand their perspective. That’s my growth. Yay me! I digress … I don’t want to make this about me. I want to make this blog about something much larger. Please visit THIS link, too. I found it very inspiring to this topic!

Ego!

Egocentric!

Egotistical!

Egomaniac!

Ego!

 We’re all aware that ego is our own thought process of ourselves. It’s our self-worth, our self-image and where our self-esteem comes from. I believe people who aren’t aware of their true self live through their ego. I learned that once I was aware of how powerful my ego was and able to control it (for the most part), I was able to live a happier life. It’s really as simple as that.

Once I was aware and mindful of how my ego got in the way of happiness, I saw changes. Now, I notice when I – myself – start to react based on my ego being hurt. I have a self-worth that I’m proud of and when my ego gets in the way of that pride – or even better – When my pride interacts with my ego, really bad things happen. I bring this up because I believe the more we’re aware of ourselves as individuals, we’ll be happier, which, in turn, will make us treat others differently. It starts with self!

My ego got me through many hard times. My ego protected me when I was in certain situations (interesting that this blog hasn’t been written yet either). I am proud of my ego. I love my ego. I love myself. I love what my ego has taught me. But, this doesn’t mean I’m egocentric. I’m equally proud of my empathy. I cannot be egotistical and empathic at the same time. I have chosen to tap into my compassion for others instead of focusing on me all the time. It is not about me! But with that said, it’s also not all about you either!

Never allow your ego to get in the way of someone else’s happiness or moral standards. We have our differences and we’re never going to agree on everything. Once we accept that, we can start working on our egos. Because once we realize we’re a team and we can accomplish more when we work together, we will automatically put our egos aside. Ego gets in the way of compromise. Ego gets in the way of growth. Ego gets in the way of love, compassion and mindfulness.

I’ve realized that ego gets in the way … so …

Does this realization happen with time/age? Nah! Look at politicians with the government shut down – constantly blaming someone else for the situation

Does this realization happen with growth? Yeah, I’ll agree with that. Growth does come with time though … so then …

Does this realization happen with mindfulness and the willingness to admit our “flaws?” YES! Now that’s when we can set aside ego.

It starts with self

Be open and willing to see your “characteristic flaws”

Accept those “flaws” as who you are

Love those “flaws”

You’ve found self-image, self-worth and self-acceptance

Bask in that for a while

Now, ask yourself, “ego – where do we go from here?”

Love your ego

Be mindful that it can play tricks on you through thoughts and ideas

Think about it!

Yes, this will all take time. It will take strength, courage and faith. It will be difficult. You will feel like you’re losing control – and really! Maybe you are! But lose control though! That’s the beauty of letting go of ego! Ego has you structured and tied down. Ego has you making choices that may not be beneficial for anyone else but yourself. Like I said, it won’t be easy and, chances are, you won’t be able to do it alone. When you realize a “flaw” tell someone about it. In doing so, you’re not only admitting this “flaw” but you’re also getting someone else’s perspective. Now, make sure you’re not talking to someone who will lie to you and has their own ego getting in the way of hearing you. That’s tricky too! But I believe we all have someone (or someones) who will listen to us and love us unconditionally.

If you feel that you don’t have that someone – think again! I will be that someone if you need it! I don’t care about anything anymore except for the happiness of myself and others. The details to why someone is hurting isn’t necessarily relevant to me. All I know is that I am capable of helping. So if you find yourself realizing your “flaw” and you’re unable to find someone to talk to – find me, I’ll listen and I’ll support you and love your flaws! Sometimes we just need to remember that we’re not alone. We, as individuals, are not the only person struggling.

Many bright beautiful blessings

 

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