Manifesting Success for The Wench’s Cocktale

 

There are millions of things I can write about today, but I am going to focus on my book. The other topics bring me anxiety because they’re all unknown outcomes. Even though the outcome of my book is unknown too, I feel I can positively share my feelings, plans, and aspirations clearer than any other topic. My book is called The Wench’s Cocktale: A Bay Area Memoir. It is the story I have put together while I took the time to recognize my life story and heal from pain and trauma of sexual, verbal, and mental abuse. I find myself praying upon the success of my book to carry me through life. I am manifesting a successful book, which in turn is giving me options on other things I wish to incorporate in the wellbeing of myself and those closest to me.

I’ve always considered myself a healer. I even identify my sexual adventures shared throughout my book as a way of healing. Could it be possible that my book will produce enough success that I could live off of? I don’t want to get a dead end full time job somewhere and not fulfill my dreams of being a writer. I don’t want to work 40+ hours a week just to make enough money to pay bills. I don’t want another boss who eventually becomes a friend who then becomes a stranger.

I’ve written a book. It’s a good book. I have accomplished a childhood dream. Is it real yet? No, not yet. I’m still thinking it’s a dream, not yet reality. But it will be. I will receive a huge box in the mail that will have hundreds of my books ready to sale. I will go on book signings. I will give speeches. I will continue to help others heal through their sexual trauma as I’m healing from mine. It’s a never-ending process, healing is. As I write this blog, I’m healing. I’m manifesting what will be my future.

There are two subtopics within discussing my book. One subtopic is reaching out to the real people who represent the characters in my book. There are three main characters in my book, but those characters represent over a dozen different people. I’ve created characters out of the people who left an impression on my life while I was indulging in my sexual adventures. So, I want to reach out to them and share our stories of growing up and acting out on our passions. It’ll be hard, but it’ll be healing. Nobody ever said healing was easy or painless.

The second subtopic is my love life and the responsibility of being in a committed relationship with the man I fell in love with years ago, who represents the main character in my book. I wrote my book with him in mind the entire time. I fell in love with him all over again when I thought about him. Reaching out to him after I wrote the book has built a relationship that will last the rest of our lifetime. It’s a fairytale, but it isn’t fantasy.

Now, there’s a sub-subtopic within that second subtopic. He’s being released from prison in about 13 months. The book I wrote with him in mind was a book about my sexual trauma and healing from it. It has nothing to do with his story. Together, him and I will write his story. More healing will come of it. Deciding to take a memoirs class during my senior year in college is what brought me to this place. If I didn’t start writing my memoir, I would have never taken the time to remember the love I had – have – for him. Right now, I am all he has and it’s my responsibility to make sure he has a place to call home when he’s released. It’s a lot of responsibility, but I wanted it. I asked for it. I took it.

Manifesting a successful book is with him in mind, of course. However, capitalizing off my story by helping others identify with their sexuality and heal from any trauma they may have experienced is the success I wish for. Yes, I want financial support and security in living with him to come of it, too. I want to see more books come from this experience of publishing my memoir. I will publish more books. I will keep motivating people to heal from their trauma. It’s essential to a happier, healthier life.

I am meeting my goals. I am producing my dreams. I am achieving my health. I’m trusting the process and not thinking or worrying about finances right now. That will come. I have to trust in that. I have to trust the process I am going through because that’s how manifesting works. I leap and trust The Universe, or God Himself, will guide me. I won’t fail this time. Success is mine. Success is ours. My book is going to sale. I am a successful author. I am a healer. I am his Queen. I am.

Advertisements

My Dreams and Desires come with High Expectations of Myself

It’s been a confusing adventure since graduating with my bachelors degree in June 2014. I’ve been homeless for over a year now. Yes, I had places to stay, and I was not on the streets for long. I did have support. I did have people who took me in. Honestly, I believe that while I was on this homeless adventure, I cashed in on karma points I racked up over the four years I lived in Oregon. I helped many people with no expectation or desire to be paid back for any of it. I helped people because they needed it and in turn, people helped me when I needed it. The thing is, however, I find myself upset about recent activities in my life. I find myself feeling as if someone owes me something, but I also know that isn’t true. I find myself with much hostility and a little give a damn. I find myself working through another cycle of PTSD because I trusted the wrong people once again, and I’m back on my homeless adventure.

I’m focusing my energy on what I need to accomplish now. I can’t have the sorrows of others becoming my own sorrows again. I was almost stuck in a situation that would have been very difficult to live with. I was uncomfortable, which encouraged me to focus on change; I was manifesting change, but I wasn’t expecting it to happen so quick. In the last year, it seems that as soon as I trusted my environment and found some comfort, I had to pack up quickly and move on to another place. Realizing all the quick changes, I kept telling myself that things happen for a reason, and I will continue to make my choices based on intuition. My intuitive nature has gotten me out of many potentially bad experiences. Yes, it has a lot to do with my choices toward the negative energy I have encountered, and maybe a part of me regrets reacting the way I did. Then again, when I look at it from all angles, I think that where I am and where I’m heading is exactly where I need to be.

Am I following my heart? Absolutely!

To me, going full circle means recognizing the past and present as a combined force that creates the future. As soon as I land my feet back in the Bay Area, I will consider my life to have taken a full circle. Okay, of course, things can always change and nobody really knows what the future holds. Nonetheless, I know that where I’m heading next is because I have visited and accepted my past. I started writing my memoirs during my senior year, and the PTSD and healing that came from that has strengthened my mind, body, and soul. Now, it’s time for me to focus on what I need to do to succeed for my future. All that matters right now is my future, which is not planned, but it is fated with passion and desire. It’s amazing to think that the book I wrote my senior year is the same book that got me back in contact with my man. I have a lot of research to do. I have plenty of things to find out. With all that I need to do, I have high expectations of myself, and I have faith that I will accomplish my dreams.

My dreams are big, my desires are strong, and my passion is empowering. The trauma I’ve experienced in my past is nothing more than pieces of the puzzle. Visiting my past has encouraged me to write my memoirs, which will be published soon. Accepting my past gave me strength to reach out to an old friend and lover. That old friend and lover is now the man I have chosen to plan my future with. He’s the memory from my past that takes up the majority of my book. He is my best friend, my partner, and my rock. As I said, my future is not planned, but with him by my side, it will be lived with much laughter, trust, and honor. Combining my past with my present has been a journey I will never forget; it’s in hundreds of hand-written letters. I have found love. I have found forgiveness. I have found me. What I will do with all of it is unsure, but becoming an author has been a long time dream. So, my standards are set for my success and with that success will come many more conversations about my passion for life and the importance of happiness.

A Righteous Path of Faith, Self Reflection and Homelessness

What does one do when they realize they might have fucked up? Laugh! I find myself laughing! I catch myself dancing. I still pray often; in fact, I started reading the bible for the first time ever. I am always writing. And, I tell myself that “This too shall pass.”

Did I fuck up though? Am I a fuck up? That self-dialog does tend to come sneaking in when I’m feeling lost. You see, depression is no joke, and when one is homeless, sleeping in their car or crashing on the couches of strangers, one must ask … What went wrong? Where did I mess up? How did I get here? Then, the anxiety sneaks in and breathing become so difficult. Breathing is hard. Oh the sting and fear of suicide is still there. Those thoughts will always be there. But I’m stronger than that.

I am stronger than that, indeed!

My ego and pride are out the window at this point. My weakness is my strength. To admit that the situation I am in is absolutely from my own choices. I blame nobody but myself. Yeah, I did this. To admit that says a lot. I don’t blame the system. I don’t blame the choices of other people. I don’t blame the trauma from my childhood. I don’t blame any of it. Actually, I don’t even blame myself I guess.

This is my life right now. I just graduated less than a year ago and I’m officially homeless. It’s strange. I have a car – which has radiator problems, of course (lol) – but I have a car. I have food. I have clothes on my back. And I have a new friend’s roof over my head for now. That little girl within myself that I’ve been tending to over the years is safe. The strong woman I have become is responsible for only myself. I do not have children (yet), and I have the loving support of a strong man behind me.

I’m scared though. I know I won’t be able to live this way for long. Not having a safe place to rest my head on a regular basis will take its toll on my life and spiritual strength. I am still weak. I am still afraid. I am confused. I am loved, supported, and respected by my peers. The Universe has brought me to this place and I have accepted it fully. When I’m in my moment, I feel a sense of calm. Even with the anxiety attacks from sleeping in my backseat when it’s 12 degrees outside, there’s a sense of love and light.

Homelessness is not a choice. I have two jobs. I’m working on many things but I have very little cash. I’m in debt, I have no credit, and home is far far away. It’s up to me now to get myself out of this situation I’ve put myself into. I know this. Nobody is going to bail me out this time. My tight support group has become smaller and smaller as time goes on, and right now I question those who once considered themselves loyal friends. It’s strange that I have revisited an old love from 10+ years ago, which has brought me to a place I never thought possible.

My next step will need to be thought out and strategically planned because the next journey I set forth for myself will also be his path, too. Yes, I’m in love. That’s what’s getting me through this homeless situation I am in. It’s where the laughs come from. His love has brought dancing back into my daily life. I have found God because of this man, and there’s nothing that can happen in my life that will break me down. The love we have built and revisited has given me the strength and encouragement that I need to further this path of righteousness of self reflection, homelessness, and faith.

We are doing God’s work.
We are students of His.
We will continue to work with the love and light we have together, even when I’m homeless and he’s … well, he’s stuck right now.
My guardians and spirit guides are telling me stay put and focus on myself for awhile; so that’s what I’m doing…

Oh, and I’m still writing about that Bay Area Harlot I once was ❤ Publications soon, y’all!

It’s time for … a quickie, of course

Sexual passions

Do you know it? Do you know that release of pure enjoyment and ecstasy? I only ask because that’s what I thrive on – well, that’s what I used to thrive on, at least.

For many years I focused on that passionate release, and now it’s taken me to a road of writing and encouragement. I always said, “I’ll never move back to the Bay Area,” And here I am planning my life to further my dream of living there again. Nothing is concrete, but I cannot explain to you how my memoirs have pushed me through into an entirely different – but oh so perfect – direction in life.

After graduation, I was pissed off with everything because the system is so corrupt. I didn’t want to be part of it. I still don’t. I’m talkin’ rEVOLution. I’m talkin’ commUNITY. I’m talkin’ pure light and love, y’all. Unconditional love, compassion, and the ability to talk through our struggles. I’m talkin’ prison outreach. I’m talkin’ motivational speaking. I’m talkin’ youth mentorship. I’m talkin’ LIVING THE DREAM!!! We all have a dream, right? I’m now working on accomplishing the goals and dreams I have set forth. And, by the looks of things, there’s a kingdom waiting for Us…

Dream big, please!

Take a step forward, please.

Forget about the fear, please!

I promise you … moving forward to accomplish a dream is the best thing in the world. I encourage all of you to start living your dreams because it’s about time we start living in a place of light and love … Many blessings, y’all!

More will come, of course. I just wanted to let y’all know that I haven’t gone anywhere. My book is in it’s last stages of edit and this Bay Area Harlot will tell her freaky tale … Much love!

This shit is raw

Look, I’ve seen some shit and I’ve done some shit that I’m not proud of. I’m writing my memoirs about when I was working on the streets. I am finally telling my truth about when I learned how to honor and respect my body.

The story I’m telling is raw. Someone called it porn. I don’t think it’s even close to porn though. It’s passionate, yes. It’s, of course, explained but not graphic. I’m proud of my writing. I’m so happy I am able to share this story. I feel it’s about time people know this about me. I feel it’s time I stop trying to hide it.

People say that for us to be happy, we have to do things that make us happy. Well, sex makes me happy. Now, I already tried the having sex all the time thing – it doesn’t work! That’s what I’m writing about now. However, I’m not telling a woes me story. I’m telling a story of a young woman who didn’t know anything about herself and was scared to experience anything true. She was working the streets, making good money, and falling in love with the wrong people. I was a very unhappy young woman. Well, through my sexual escapades, I learned a lot about myself. 

There came a time, however, I was terrified of that enjoyment. I blocked it out and became very closed off. Eventually, I met someone who brought that sexual desire back out of me. He handled business quite well. Since then I have struggled with finding a balance between my addiction to sex, the need for contact, and empathic abilities that caused confusion.

I’ve finally found it

I haven’t quite figured out fully how to work it to it’s full potential, but I’m working on it.

The reason I share this story is because I want to let y’all know that I believe in you. I believe that whatever it is you’re going through, I feel you can overcome the hardships and learn to love them instead of fight them. Giving into my desires for sexual release has allowed me to write my memoirs in a way that has changed my life.

I want to encourage you to tap into those passionate things in your life that make you feel positive powers. Recognize them and acknowledge their involvement in your daily life. Try to practice a new routine so you can intertwine them into your daily life. When you have things you love in your life, you’ll enjoy life more often. And, really, isn’t that what we’re supposed to be doing … enjoying life! So, go … ENJOY IT!

Now, I’m not encouraging that drug addicts go use or anything like that. My point is that I am working on focusing my addict energy into more productive things. I’m using the energy to write, exercise, and interact with people on a more intimate level. I have faith that you can do it too. I have faith that you can find whatever it is that makes you happy and run with it. I believe you can tap into whatever it is that makes you feel something deep down in your soul.

Do you see that bright shinny ball somewhere deep down within you? It’s not a train, I promise! Focus on that light. Focus on the beauty and feel the intrigue. Live every day as if it’s the last day you live. That’s such an over said phrase, but it’s true. The only moment that truly matters is right now. The moment you’re in while you’re reading this. Stop worry about what happened 1- minutes ago or what might happen in 10 minutes. It doesn’t matter. Look at where you’re at. What are you doing? What do you hear? What do you see, feel and smell? That’s your moment. Find at least two blessings within this moment and try to do it again in an hour.

This is my truth

This is my truth …
I see the blood
I hear the screams
I feel the pain
I smell the fires
I can even touch the fear 

This is my truth
I am the blood
I am the screams
I am the pain
I am the fires
I am the fear

This is my truth
I choose to bleed
I choose to scream
I choose to feel pain
I choose to start fires
I choose to fight against fear

This is my truth
I encourage the fight against bloodshed
I encourage the use of a microphone to strengthen the voices
I encourage the lessons learned from overcoming the pain
I encourage the willingness of change and fluidity to put out the flames
I encourage the people to stand up, raise their fists, and demand their freedom

This is my truth
What’s your truth?!
Can we work together?!
What can we learn from each other?!

Have you seen death?
Was your voice ever silenced?
Is your pain over?
How hot is your flame?
Are you ready to work?

Let’s start by sharing another story …

There’s a change … Ready for it?!

That’s right! Shit ’bout to change round here! I have spent the last 7 months reflecting on my life. There is so much history posted on this blog that I wonder how long it’ll be in the virtual world. Forever? Sweet! Maybe my memoir, that I’m writing now, will add to the accomplishments I’ve made. That’ll be cool!

But really … what am I going to do now, you ask? Well, first of all, I’m not too interested in reflecting on my life anymore. I’m so done! I honestly believe I’ve dug deep enough that I can’t dig any deeper. Hitting rock bottom really is when things get clear. And, I’ve hit rock bottom a few times. I have no doubt it’ll happen again. That’s fine! I’ll be ready for it this time.

After my detox and my trip to Haiti, I totally realized that I’m fucking awesome. I mean, I got shit about me that people find annoying, but whatever. Even those annoyances are awesome. LOL! Nah, but really! I have a gift. My perspective is unique. The fact that I don’t retain the information after I’ve said it really is something I am grateful for. There is already so much chatter, I wouldn’t want to remember the details of everything I say and do. Because, honestly, I say and do way too much to remember it all. I’m done trying to remember. So, I’m done reflecting. I’m happy with the depth to which I dug and I’m ready to expand.

The expansion will be a work in progress. Right now I am full of so much compassion and love I cannot contain myself. I’m starting to get a bit sad, these days, but I know exactly why it is and I am reminding myself that the Universe is listening. The turn around has been quick. So, even in my sadness, I am finding that I am still hopeful. I am still in love. My desires have heightened and I am ready to experience them on any and all levels I can.

There are quite a few people who are receiving direct messages. I am expressing and expanding myself in many directions. I’m ready to make one of those focal points, this blog. My writing style has changed a bit too. So, that will be an interesting progression to see.

So, here we go! This is the beginning! I’m ready … are you?! I sure hope so. This journey would be boring without you.