Revisiting my past is building my future

          The topic of discussion is depression, fear, struggles of falling in love, revisiting the past, and the hardships of keeping ones shit together when it seems their entire life is falling apart. My discussion is, of course, centered on my recent life events; I say recent, indicating the last two years, really. I’m going to start this discussion with my detoxification of my uterus. There isn’t a fiber of my being that wasn’t affected by that experience. My body has obviously changed. My mind is not the same. My spirit has taken on a new course of responsibility. I am not the same person I was when I started the process in 2013. I never expected the shit to happen the way it has, and I’m beyond grateful for how it’s all happened. I now have a working reproductive system, and I did it by myself. I didn’t go to any doctors, and I sure as hell didn’t have any procedures that would allow objects to scrap the inside of my body. Nope! I prayed. I meditated. I soaked in the light of the full moon. I spoke to my ancestors. I reached out beyond this realm, and I found more than I was asking for.

          With the steps taken during this time, I internalized. I didn’t share my experience with anyone except for two people. One is no longer a part of my life; he’s missed greatly. The other one is still very prominent in my life, and I appreciate her more than words can express. I was extremely depressed during this time in my life, and I struggled with a lot of loss. So-called friends distanced themselves from me, too. Not only was I alone, I felt lonely and abandoned. Coming to terms with the loss of my unborn child from 15 years prior, I found a sense of peace within myself. I wasn’t lonely any longer. This uterus cleanse that I did to myself was brutal; I’ve explained this before. Like I said, it wasn’t only physical. This was an entire make over of every aspect of my being. I tapped into my higher self and my lower self. I spoke to my unborn child. I spoke to my previous lives. I identified with my purpose. I knew I was destined to be a mother.

          After I gathered the broken pieces of my life, I started feeling better about myself because I had identified with my past sorrows that were keeping me down. My detox cleared out some major cobwebs of my soul. I started exercising. I picked up yoga again. I found a comfort in being alone. Then, I started planning my trip to Haiti. Being out there continued to shape my thought process; my thoughts changed again. My aspirations grew stronger. I witnessed things I still cannot explain. I honestly believe something from my experiences in Haiti filled the void within my soul that was from the loss of my child. I misread some signs too. Messages that came to me were mixed with a different reality. I made mistakes. I have forgiven myself for those mistakes, of course. And the love that blossomed will forever be a part of me and those involved. Coming home from Haiti and remembering all that I went through that year with my detox, I found myself revisiting my past. I started writing my memoirs.

          This choice, based on my decision making process to take this class my senior year, was the starting point of my entire future. I had spent many years running away from a part of my past that I didn’t want to identify with. I didn’t want my new friends to know about it. But, when I started writing about it, that all changed. With my newfound strength of being alone, and the courage I found within myself from traveling to Haiti, I fell in love. I feel deeply in love. I visited the depth of my soul. I found a lot down there, too. During that journey of deep Jo diving, however, I found something I had forgotten about. Digging down into the depths of my past, I remembered why I was running away. It was a painful thing to identify, and I’m still working on healing from that pain. This was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn, but I learned it, for sure. Love will do that to ya. Upon opening the floodgates of lost love and broken promises, I found myself nearly broken once again.

          More friends distanced themselves because I was being a complete bitch; I was keeping so much internalized again. I still didn’t want to share my past with anyone; it hurt too much. During this time, a little pixie and her son visited me; they kept me alive. They kept me motivated and allowed my inner child to play freely. I didn’t want to be an adult, so I wasn’t. I let myself go completely. I was spiraling down further than any depth I had reached during depression. I kept highly intoxicated so I wouldn’t deal with the pain. I covered it up. Then I realized I had used all my rent money on weed and alcohol; I couldn’t afford to live in that place any longer, and not just financially, but life in general. I am sure I would have taken my own life if I stayed there. I am sure of it. The depression and negativity I was living with would have taken its toll on me; so, I left.

          I didn’t know what I was doing, where I was going, or how I was going to get there. All I knew was that I needed to go. I picked Colorado as my destination, and I made it. And, of course, the depression, past sorrows, and newfound strength all followed me, too. The things I identified with during my detox, trip to Haiti, falling in love, and writing my memoirs has all followed me here. Right now, this very moment, I can still feel the warmth of these experiences. I know my higher being, God Himself, is guiding me on my path. It was my decision to leave a home I loved that has brought me to this place I am at right now; I am homeless. I am struggling. I am scared. I am blessed, honored, and madly in love again. Home is where the heart is, right? Well, my heart is locked up for two more years. The difficult transition I’m in will only bring more warmth and light, I’m sure of it. Digging to the depth of my soul has reminded me of who I am, and I will not hide from that person any longer. I refuse.

          I am not living in my past, not at all, but it is my past that is building my future. I need to remind myself what I’ve done, where I’m from, and why I am who I am. I’ve come a long way since that dirty warehouse worker who got involved in many sexual acts. Even though I can still recall the smell of oil, propane, and wet boxes, I need to identify with where I am today. Even though I can still taste the passionate release of my clients, I need to identify with who I am today. It’s hard though. I struggle with it because I have hidden that part of my past from everyone I ever encountered. It’s not that I’m afraid of judgment, no. What I’m afraid of is expressing my enjoyment. I’m afraid if I express how much I miss my clients, how much I miss giving blow jobs, and how much I want to experience it all again … I’m afraid I’ll go back into the business.

          There is an opportunity that is knocking at my door, and I want it more than anything I have ever wanted in my life. It’s a revisit of my past, of course. It’s a door reopened. It’s an opportunity for me to learn new skills and make a lot of money. I need to recognize that I am not reliving my past. I need to realize that my choices now are based on knowledge of self, knowledge of other, and knowledge of how society works. As a college graduate, who studied anthropology, I am sure to follow this dream and not make the same mistakes I made before. It’s terrifying though. The fear is what’s making me do it. I swear, if it wasn’t for the fact that I am scared out of my mind right now, I wouldn’t be following this hidden dream. I wouldn’t be playing with the hidden gem I found while I dug to the depths of my soul. If it wasn’t for this fear, I wouldn’t be alive. I wouldn’t have the opportunity to do God’s work. I wouldn’t be writing this blog, right now …

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A Year of Change

I have lost many friends and experienced many broken bonds in just the last year alone. I’ve been told that if those bonds were broken they were never real in the first place. They were all real at one point. People grow apart. People change and sometimes we can’t figure out how to continue connecting when sparks are flying. It becomes two negative charges trying to connect; it just doesn’t work. Things happen within our lives and we perceive things differently. We make choices based off a multitude of reasons, and sometimes people make mistakes. Bonds break. Once powerful knots are untied or severed. It happens, right? True friendship existed at one point. Unconditional love was present throughout the time spent together.

Things must change …

The summer 2013 was when I did my detox; it was extremely painful; I was alone throughout the beginning. I wasn’t supposed to be though; I felt the first sting of betrayal during this time. Support was not there, at first. Eventually, I reached out to a lifer. She listened as I cried, and she helped me make sense of the craziness of my hormones and thoughts. Looking back to those days, I see how it’s shaped me into who I am today. Things said by those who loved me at one point and experiencing the recovery of a 15-year-old death changed me. I am the one who changed. When another, unexpected person showed concern about my health and well being, it changed me even more. Again, a year later, I see how the voice of that individual helped create the person I am today. That particular voice has become the driving force of my future ambitions.

I must change …

Detaching from the old and forgiving the sorrows of my previous choices, I found myself free from the dark shadows of my damaged soul. I was no longer held down by my past. I did not allow myself to live in my past any longer. Instead, it was a part of me – I allowed the sorrow to become a part of my newly found love for myself. As I shed and released the collection of my past, I became a different person. My thoughts were different. My spiritual practice was different. My ambitions changed. My focus was on myself, finally. I talked to my ancestors, and they spoke to me. I connected to a higher realm. Experiencing that cleanse with the two supportive and surprising voices helped me connect to my higher self. It’s difficult to see all this, a year later, because one of those gentle voices has also become one that has left me.

Lives must change …

The winter 2013 was when I went to Haiti. This trip, nearly a year later, has changed me even more than any experience I ever had. It’s tied to my detox in many ways. The moon rituals I started during my cleanse traveled with me to Haiti. I spent the last full moon of 2013 on the beach of Haiti. My ancestors were with me. I was visited by previous connections to past realms. Further, that strong, now missing voice kept me grounded as well as brought me home many nights. I experienced a transcendence that to this day has yet to make sense to me. It is because of these things that have brought me to where I am today. My vision has changed. The social goggles that I was raised with have been broken and replaced by a pair of contacts. I no longer have my boxed frames getting in the way of the eternal vision. It’s because of my trip to Haiti and the combination of my past and present that has me making great strides to accomplish the future I see for myself.

Action must change …

I have heard a definition of insanity as doing something the same way and expecting different results. The spring of 2014 has now become the striving force of my insanity. Better yet, it’s become the biggest mistake of my past addictions and bad choices. I made many mistakes. The outcome has become the reason I no longer trust my instincts, intuition, and empathy. This particular situation has become the largest void of my internal being. Not even my ancestors or the full moon can help me heal from this one. It simply just is a part of me now. As I travel further and pursue my dreams, all of the things that have helped me be the person I am today will be a part of me.

To change is to grow …

Summer 2014 is just about over. The trees have been kissed lightly by fall. I see the change in seasons. I am guided by those changes. I follow the moon cycle. I hear the call of the birds and the screaming of our Mother’s voice. One year has passed since the ending of my detox. I started this blog for the reason of my detox. Because of the changing force of my passion and vision, I went back and forth about changing the reason of this blog. I don’t think I can change it. These writings are for me to express the struggle of a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), an empathic woman, and someone who has many important things to say. It started with my detox. It transcended from that to an ancestral connection, traveling spirits, and eventually falling deeply in love.

Change is hard …

It’s been a seven year cycle of me being a student. This is the first fall term in seven years that I am not scheduling my next term. I graduated. Now what? It’s been a traveling vacation and unknown destinations so far. Right now, I am in Colorado. I pray I can find a place throughout the winter. I am homeless. Yes, maybe by choice – kind of. I couldn’t afford rent. I was bailed out a couple of times, but after graduation – and without the financial aid assistance – I couldn’t do it. I had work lined up, but I noticed the suicidal depression of my addiction and I had to leave. I’m sure the Winter of 2014 would have taken my life if I stayed stagnant. I left. I decided to jump and follow my new visions. It’s terrifying and quite lonely. I am the Ronin. With the loss of close friends (and non-friends) over the year, I now see it as a new opportunity to gather the pieces that shattered and find peace within myself. I have decided to internalize again. I have made the choice to keep the matters of my heart to myself. It was by choice I walked away without a fight. It was a hard decision to make, but my vision will stay mine. Sharing the insight, lessons learned, and new ambitions developed will be easy, but to give my secrets away and share my passion with others will probably not happen for a while. Details don’t matter right now. All that matters is that I am reconstructing my thoughts, aspiration, and faith because my focus has changed. As I said, my vision has changed; I have changed.

Change is inevitable …

It isn’t change that we fear because everything is forever changing. Nothing is ever the same after time passes – not even time itself can stay the same. The thing people fear about change is the unknown. The unknown is scary. The unknown is a terrifying place to live. I’ve noticed that the strong, silent voice that was once in my reality but now only in my subconscious, has become my saving grace. Focusing on picking up the pieces that shattered throughout my cavern’s floor is what is keeping me from fearing the unknown and completely freaking out about my situation. I am not thinking about the unknown. I am thinking about how my puzzle has expanded. It still isn’t complete, of course, but there’s an entirely new scene painted on the canvas of my life’s work. Why fear something that is out of my control? Why worry about what can’t be changed? Why fear change? Instead of focusing on the unknown, focus on what is. If the life that is doesn’t make you smile in some way, change it! Don’t fear it, just change it. People will become distant. People will disappear. People may or may not support you. People will call you names, tell you how wrong you are, and even try to give you false promises. I’ve learned it’s because they don’t understand. I’ve learned it’s because the fear people associate with change isn’t really change, but fear of not trusting themselves to jump and follow their own dreams. I’ve learned it’s because I am a pain in the ass and when I have my sights set on something I’m passionate about, I’m nearly unstoppable. I’ll get knocked around. I’ll cry. I’ll get angry and try to force things I feel to be true. I have lost. But in the end of it all, I have won more than I lost. It was because I don’t fear the unknown. I trusted my faith that grew during my detox and travel to Haiti. That’s why I’m able to follow my dreams and reconstruct my thoughts. It was because of those amazing experiences and supportive voices that allowed me to see a different vision for myself.

I’ve changed my mind … therefore, I have changed my life
I’m on the pursuit of happiness
Change is my happiness
What’s your happiness?

Quickies are okay, even after this much time has passed

Disclaimer: this was written on my iPad without a edit … Forgive typos or autocorrects …

It’s been a year since my detox started. Since I started this blog. Since awakening the inner goddess and allowing the blood to release. It’s been four months since being back from Haiti. I graduate in two months. I’m working hard, but hardly working at all. It’s not easy, but I’m plating every chance I get. My little girl needs to play. She’s sad. She’s lonely. She’s remembering a lot! New blogs that are coming will be quite different then before. Yes, more stories about me … Lol … But, not in the same sense as before. I’m telling a story now. Im not recalling memories. My little girl has taken over for awhile and she has some really fun stories to tell you…

The woman in me is quite strong right now too. I am not only loving my little girl, I’m loving everything that comes a long with it. It’s brought new light to my life. It’s brought love to my life. The depth of my love right now in so deep I have yet to hit the bottom … Is there a bottom to that depth, or does it just swoop around and eventually become up … I like that! There is no bottom to my depth if love because it’s never ending. It’s the entire air I breathe around me. I breathe love.

The connections I have made recently have brought me to realize that if I just paid attention, id find my direction. I will find everything I need if I pay attention to what is presented to me. The numbers have been speaking to me too. Universal prime numbers have been daily in my life. I need to do some much needed research on the number 3. It’s always been the number 5 for me, but it anymore! Everything is happening in threes. Idk! 11:11 has popped up so many times it’s kind of scary. The last time this happened, on this level … Damn … I started my path of “witchcraft” … I know I followed the signs then and I got where I am today … How awesome to see that because I know wherever I’m going next will be just as awesome if not more so.

So here I am, in my bedroom with my coffee, listening to birds, and enjoying the smells of spring (stupid allergies). I’m sad today. It feels heavy after the full moon. That eclipse was beautiful. I love the power of the universe, for sure. But there’s a slight stickiness today. I start my day in just a little bit and I don’t wanna but I hafta!

Many blessings to you and yours

Passion to Empowerment: The Struggle of Balancing Scales

Being passionate usually has a negative connotation to it. When people are passionate, people tend to be overbearing, forceful, and even rude. Passion is a tricky emotion, indeed. If one doesn’t take the time to really understand where the passion is coming from and focus on how to direct that passion, one can get in trouble. I am on the verge of getting myself in trouble; I can see my patterns repeating themselves. I am trying hard to find a balance. It’s great that I have the strength of the scales driving my passion right now.

This newfound passion has given me the self-power to become a better version of myself. I am not upping my game for someone or something; I’m upping my game because I deserve it. I’m doing new things and I’m expressing myself differently because I believe I am capable of having this passion and making the best of it. It doesn’t have to control me or ruin my life. It doesn’t have to get in the way of anything. I am a Leo. I’m a strong passionate woman with the strength of a lion guiding me throughout my life. Sometimes the passionate drive that I have can and will get in the way of life. That’s my pattern.

On many occasions, throughout most of my 20s, I made very poor decisions based on my passion. As soon as I felt passionate about someone, I would automatically want to have sex with them. I would wear things that showed off my “assets.” When people gave me any kind of attention, I would jump on it – literally sometimes. I turned my passion for life into a sexual passion. It was all I knew. It was the only way I figured out how to manage my passion. I got into trouble; I got into a lot of trouble. It’s changed though.

Circumstances I cannot share details about have transformed my decision-making. Yes, I am still passionate. Yes, I am still sexual. Yes, I still desire the touch of a strong man. However, I’m enjoying the rewards of not acting the same way I did before. I am enjoying the empowerment. I love the way it makes me feel. The boundaries I have set for myself have made me feel sexier then ever before. Even though I want to get sensual with someone and share passionate moments with people, it’s going to take a lot for me to allow someone to touch my body again. I need to be mindfully stimulated. I need a mindgasm.

I share this story with my readers because I think, like my rant on ego, we need to reevaluate how we feel about our passion. We shouldn’t deny our passion. We shouldn’t ignore it either. There’s no reason why we should be scared of our passion for people. What’s most important is having the cognitive ability to distinguish passion from lust. It’s important to understand the intentions of ones passion. We need to realize that being passionate is fine, as long as we keep a clear and level mind. I know, for sure, that I will not repeat a lot of my habits from before. Yes, I do see myself doing small things that I used to do; and I will work on stopping them. But, I am not acting upon my sexual desires. That’s huge for me. Real huge!

What I’m struggling with now is finding a balance between my passion and over sharing with people. Not everybody needs to know all my passionate details. People don’t need to know my deepest desires. All that y’all need to know is that I’m feeling passionate about life. I’m feeling passionate about people. My desire to be intimate with someone is beyond sexual intimacy. My body is my temple.

Try being passionate sometimes; it’s fun! My passion is my driving force, really. It’s what brings me to the point of transformation. I’m on the brink of another breakthrough when it comes to my desire to be a mother, lover and partner. I am having another aha moment. Soon, I will have a “come to Jesus” moment, too. I will find an overwhelming lesson in this passionate process I am experiencing right now.

The fact that I spent the last full moon of the 2013 calendar year in Haiti with unexpected (but much appreciated) company shows me that I’ve received closure on many things from my past – including the choices I made based on my passion. The fact that New Years day marks a New Moon and January 2014 has two power moons tells me that there’s a significant, powerful beginning under way. I’ve tapped into the enlightenment and I will continue to ride his roller coaster of passion, love, and change.

What will you do this coming year? People set new years resolutions all the time; but what if we just promised each other that we’ll be kind to each other? What would happen if we promised ourselves to be kind to ourselves? What would happen if we found passion in unexpected places? How would we change ourselves if we encouraged and participated in passionate conversations?

I cannot pretend to understand your story and I do not come from a place of judgment. All I know is that when passion strikes me, I am encouraged to see beauty within every moment. If you’re unfamiliar with the feeling of passion, that’s okay! But, honestly, I doubt it! If you’re a sentient being, you’ve experienced passion. What’s important, like I said, is to focus that passion on things that will benefit the sub-world you live in. I’m taking my passion and building strong connections with people, everywhere I go. I hope to express my passion and love for life. It’s not sexual anymore and I cannot tell you how empowering that makes me feel.

I pray you will one day find the same empowerment