Revisiting my past is building my future

          The topic of discussion is depression, fear, struggles of falling in love, revisiting the past, and the hardships of keeping ones shit together when it seems their entire life is falling apart. My discussion is, of course, centered on my recent life events; I say recent, indicating the last two years, really. I’m going to start this discussion with my detoxification of my uterus. There isn’t a fiber of my being that wasn’t affected by that experience. My body has obviously changed. My mind is not the same. My spirit has taken on a new course of responsibility. I am not the same person I was when I started the process in 2013. I never expected the shit to happen the way it has, and I’m beyond grateful for how it’s all happened. I now have a working reproductive system, and I did it by myself. I didn’t go to any doctors, and I sure as hell didn’t have any procedures that would allow objects to scrap the inside of my body. Nope! I prayed. I meditated. I soaked in the light of the full moon. I spoke to my ancestors. I reached out beyond this realm, and I found more than I was asking for.

          With the steps taken during this time, I internalized. I didn’t share my experience with anyone except for two people. One is no longer a part of my life; he’s missed greatly. The other one is still very prominent in my life, and I appreciate her more than words can express. I was extremely depressed during this time in my life, and I struggled with a lot of loss. So-called friends distanced themselves from me, too. Not only was I alone, I felt lonely and abandoned. Coming to terms with the loss of my unborn child from 15 years prior, I found a sense of peace within myself. I wasn’t lonely any longer. This uterus cleanse that I did to myself was brutal; I’ve explained this before. Like I said, it wasn’t only physical. This was an entire make over of every aspect of my being. I tapped into my higher self and my lower self. I spoke to my unborn child. I spoke to my previous lives. I identified with my purpose. I knew I was destined to be a mother.

          After I gathered the broken pieces of my life, I started feeling better about myself because I had identified with my past sorrows that were keeping me down. My detox cleared out some major cobwebs of my soul. I started exercising. I picked up yoga again. I found a comfort in being alone. Then, I started planning my trip to Haiti. Being out there continued to shape my thought process; my thoughts changed again. My aspirations grew stronger. I witnessed things I still cannot explain. I honestly believe something from my experiences in Haiti filled the void within my soul that was from the loss of my child. I misread some signs too. Messages that came to me were mixed with a different reality. I made mistakes. I have forgiven myself for those mistakes, of course. And the love that blossomed will forever be a part of me and those involved. Coming home from Haiti and remembering all that I went through that year with my detox, I found myself revisiting my past. I started writing my memoirs.

          This choice, based on my decision making process to take this class my senior year, was the starting point of my entire future. I had spent many years running away from a part of my past that I didn’t want to identify with. I didn’t want my new friends to know about it. But, when I started writing about it, that all changed. With my newfound strength of being alone, and the courage I found within myself from traveling to Haiti, I fell in love. I feel deeply in love. I visited the depth of my soul. I found a lot down there, too. During that journey of deep Jo diving, however, I found something I had forgotten about. Digging down into the depths of my past, I remembered why I was running away. It was a painful thing to identify, and I’m still working on healing from that pain. This was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn, but I learned it, for sure. Love will do that to ya. Upon opening the floodgates of lost love and broken promises, I found myself nearly broken once again.

          More friends distanced themselves because I was being a complete bitch; I was keeping so much internalized again. I still didn’t want to share my past with anyone; it hurt too much. During this time, a little pixie and her son visited me; they kept me alive. They kept me motivated and allowed my inner child to play freely. I didn’t want to be an adult, so I wasn’t. I let myself go completely. I was spiraling down further than any depth I had reached during depression. I kept highly intoxicated so I wouldn’t deal with the pain. I covered it up. Then I realized I had used all my rent money on weed and alcohol; I couldn’t afford to live in that place any longer, and not just financially, but life in general. I am sure I would have taken my own life if I stayed there. I am sure of it. The depression and negativity I was living with would have taken its toll on me; so, I left.

          I didn’t know what I was doing, where I was going, or how I was going to get there. All I knew was that I needed to go. I picked Colorado as my destination, and I made it. And, of course, the depression, past sorrows, and newfound strength all followed me, too. The things I identified with during my detox, trip to Haiti, falling in love, and writing my memoirs has all followed me here. Right now, this very moment, I can still feel the warmth of these experiences. I know my higher being, God Himself, is guiding me on my path. It was my decision to leave a home I loved that has brought me to this place I am at right now; I am homeless. I am struggling. I am scared. I am blessed, honored, and madly in love again. Home is where the heart is, right? Well, my heart is locked up for two more years. The difficult transition I’m in will only bring more warmth and light, I’m sure of it. Digging to the depth of my soul has reminded me of who I am, and I will not hide from that person any longer. I refuse.

          I am not living in my past, not at all, but it is my past that is building my future. I need to remind myself what I’ve done, where I’m from, and why I am who I am. I’ve come a long way since that dirty warehouse worker who got involved in many sexual acts. Even though I can still recall the smell of oil, propane, and wet boxes, I need to identify with where I am today. Even though I can still taste the passionate release of my clients, I need to identify with who I am today. It’s hard though. I struggle with it because I have hidden that part of my past from everyone I ever encountered. It’s not that I’m afraid of judgment, no. What I’m afraid of is expressing my enjoyment. I’m afraid if I express how much I miss my clients, how much I miss giving blow jobs, and how much I want to experience it all again … I’m afraid I’ll go back into the business.

          There is an opportunity that is knocking at my door, and I want it more than anything I have ever wanted in my life. It’s a revisit of my past, of course. It’s a door reopened. It’s an opportunity for me to learn new skills and make a lot of money. I need to recognize that I am not reliving my past. I need to realize that my choices now are based on knowledge of self, knowledge of other, and knowledge of how society works. As a college graduate, who studied anthropology, I am sure to follow this dream and not make the same mistakes I made before. It’s terrifying though. The fear is what’s making me do it. I swear, if it wasn’t for the fact that I am scared out of my mind right now, I wouldn’t be following this hidden dream. I wouldn’t be playing with the hidden gem I found while I dug to the depths of my soul. If it wasn’t for this fear, I wouldn’t be alive. I wouldn’t have the opportunity to do God’s work. I wouldn’t be writing this blog, right now …

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A Righteous Path of Faith, Self Reflection and Homelessness

What does one do when they realize they might have fucked up? Laugh! I find myself laughing! I catch myself dancing. I still pray often; in fact, I started reading the bible for the first time ever. I am always writing. And, I tell myself that “This too shall pass.”

Did I fuck up though? Am I a fuck up? That self-dialog does tend to come sneaking in when I’m feeling lost. You see, depression is no joke, and when one is homeless, sleeping in their car or crashing on the couches of strangers, one must ask … What went wrong? Where did I mess up? How did I get here? Then, the anxiety sneaks in and breathing become so difficult. Breathing is hard. Oh the sting and fear of suicide is still there. Those thoughts will always be there. But I’m stronger than that.

I am stronger than that, indeed!

My ego and pride are out the window at this point. My weakness is my strength. To admit that the situation I am in is absolutely from my own choices. I blame nobody but myself. Yeah, I did this. To admit that says a lot. I don’t blame the system. I don’t blame the choices of other people. I don’t blame the trauma from my childhood. I don’t blame any of it. Actually, I don’t even blame myself I guess.

This is my life right now. I just graduated less than a year ago and I’m officially homeless. It’s strange. I have a car – which has radiator problems, of course (lol) – but I have a car. I have food. I have clothes on my back. And I have a new friend’s roof over my head for now. That little girl within myself that I’ve been tending to over the years is safe. The strong woman I have become is responsible for only myself. I do not have children (yet), and I have the loving support of a strong man behind me.

I’m scared though. I know I won’t be able to live this way for long. Not having a safe place to rest my head on a regular basis will take its toll on my life and spiritual strength. I am still weak. I am still afraid. I am confused. I am loved, supported, and respected by my peers. The Universe has brought me to this place and I have accepted it fully. When I’m in my moment, I feel a sense of calm. Even with the anxiety attacks from sleeping in my backseat when it’s 12 degrees outside, there’s a sense of love and light.

Homelessness is not a choice. I have two jobs. I’m working on many things but I have very little cash. I’m in debt, I have no credit, and home is far far away. It’s up to me now to get myself out of this situation I’ve put myself into. I know this. Nobody is going to bail me out this time. My tight support group has become smaller and smaller as time goes on, and right now I question those who once considered themselves loyal friends. It’s strange that I have revisited an old love from 10+ years ago, which has brought me to a place I never thought possible.

My next step will need to be thought out and strategically planned because the next journey I set forth for myself will also be his path, too. Yes, I’m in love. That’s what’s getting me through this homeless situation I am in. It’s where the laughs come from. His love has brought dancing back into my daily life. I have found God because of this man, and there’s nothing that can happen in my life that will break me down. The love we have built and revisited has given me the strength and encouragement that I need to further this path of righteousness of self reflection, homelessness, and faith.

We are doing God’s work.
We are students of His.
We will continue to work with the love and light we have together, even when I’m homeless and he’s … well, he’s stuck right now.
My guardians and spirit guides are telling me stay put and focus on myself for awhile; so that’s what I’m doing…

Oh, and I’m still writing about that Bay Area Harlot I once was ❤ Publications soon, y’all!

It’s time for … a quickie, of course

Sexual passions

Do you know it? Do you know that release of pure enjoyment and ecstasy? I only ask because that’s what I thrive on – well, that’s what I used to thrive on, at least.

For many years I focused on that passionate release, and now it’s taken me to a road of writing and encouragement. I always said, “I’ll never move back to the Bay Area,” And here I am planning my life to further my dream of living there again. Nothing is concrete, but I cannot explain to you how my memoirs have pushed me through into an entirely different – but oh so perfect – direction in life.

After graduation, I was pissed off with everything because the system is so corrupt. I didn’t want to be part of it. I still don’t. I’m talkin’ rEVOLution. I’m talkin’ commUNITY. I’m talkin’ pure light and love, y’all. Unconditional love, compassion, and the ability to talk through our struggles. I’m talkin’ prison outreach. I’m talkin’ motivational speaking. I’m talkin’ youth mentorship. I’m talkin’ LIVING THE DREAM!!! We all have a dream, right? I’m now working on accomplishing the goals and dreams I have set forth. And, by the looks of things, there’s a kingdom waiting for Us…

Dream big, please!

Take a step forward, please.

Forget about the fear, please!

I promise you … moving forward to accomplish a dream is the best thing in the world. I encourage all of you to start living your dreams because it’s about time we start living in a place of light and love … Many blessings, y’all!

More will come, of course. I just wanted to let y’all know that I haven’t gone anywhere. My book is in it’s last stages of edit and this Bay Area Harlot will tell her freaky tale … Much love!

Unedited Rant

So, I had a conversation with a woman today who proclaimed herself as an “ignorant white woman.” I got a little heated in discussion but she listened to me. She was floored by some of the things we talked about. I couldn’t even tell you how it started really, but it was amazing. She really had no idea. Even though her ego was pretty huge, her and I had a decent discussion. Yeah, I got a bit ghetto on her and I probably cussed a few times, but damn! I think I had to just to get through her ignorance … Anyways … here’s some of the highlights …

First, which started the irritation on my part, was when she said Tyrone Martin in a whisper and followed it up with, “what if a black cop shot a white kid?” Okay, first of all … It’s Trayvon not Tyrone … and second it would equally suck for that family too. I explained to her why there was such an uproar behind this murder. He was pretty much hunted down and shot. Then the cop pretty much just walks away from the situation. When I touched upon the whole wearing hoodies stereotype she was speechless. She didn’t a) know about any of the bullshit profiling cops do and b) couldn’t come up with anything to say in agreement or disagreement.

Another peek was when she said, “If we just ignore it, it’ll go away, because we’re all of the same human race” … Now, as I do agree that we are of the same human race, I argued that even though we’re of the same human race, many people don’t care to accept that as being equal in society. I explained to her how “lighter is better” and how her and I both have “white privilege.” She really didn’t like the topic of white privilege though. I asked her why it bugged her so much and she didn’t know why. That’s when she said …

“Racism only exists because we allow to exist.” Well yes, that’s true, but because people have allowed it to exist for so long, we need to talk about it and stop it from continuing to exist, right? Again, she was speechless.

Recently, people have been telling me that I need to speak to “my people.” I didn’t understand what that meant until today. What I said to her, I believe, really stuck. The look on her face when I counteracted her claims was quite rewarding. I think she got it. I hope she got it. Even if she got a little. I hope she took something useful away from that conversation.

I’ve always been passionate about racial issues and social expectation. It wasn’t until 2010 when I read Race Matters by Cornell West. That book changed my life. It changed my path in 2010. Just last year I saw him speak at University of Oregon and I had the opportunity to ask him what we do now. “Now that you’ve shared your wisdom with us and motivated us to create this wonderful energy that’s created in here right now, what do we do with it? How do we bring this out and help the youth.” ~ Or something like that – Well, you know what he said? “Laughter! Listen to Richard Prior. Laugh hard. Don’t giggle … Laugh!” And for cyin’ out loud! He was right!

I’ve continued to laugh – even when I’m in a heated discussion about race – it’s helped me. It’s helped the people I converse with. Yeah, even though I can get intense and I will get bitchy and loud … I kept a smile upon my face and I laughed with her. I agreed with her, but challenged her too.

I hope it helped …

HUMAN RIGHTS: A fight worth fighting for

Let’s get one thing straight. This message comes from a place that, I have faith, many people can – and do – comprehend. It comes from that place deep down inside of us. When we have internal dialog with ourselves – you know – our thought process. That’s where this is coming from. Except, it’s not that shallow … I’m going to take it deeper – way deeper – because this specific message is a collective of many things. This message isn’t just from my personal thought process. It’s from yours, too.

Society is fucked up! We can all agree with this, right? We can agree that while some of us are enjoying a hot meal, with no thought of where it came from or how lucky we are to eat it, others are having a hard time finding enough food to nourish their bodies. As some of us are buying new electronics and disposing of old electronics as if it’s no big deal, others are having to recycle those electronics in ways that are harmful to us, and the entire atmosphere. As some of us are running our heaters to keep warm, others are suffering with sleeping outside. As some of us are resting in the comfort of our own homes, with our families, others are walking the streets and fighting against a cause.

My point is that human perspectives are unique. We all experience life differently and we all have a story. We’re all entitled to our opinions, our desires, and our passions. Every single one of us has the individual right to do whatever we decide to do. It’s always a decision. Every one of us can – and should – follow our dreams. Does it seem weird to others? So what?! Are you afraid of rejection?! Get over it! Is there an overwhelming feeling of confusion or direction?! Ignore that and just take a step! The journey is unknown, but we’ll never figure out what life is about if we don’t take that step.

From recent discussions I have had with a multitude of people, it seems that many are living life in fear. Life for them is scary. I’ve talked to young ladies (of all ethnicities) who are scared to speak their mind because they feel society doesn’t want to listen to them. I’ve heard the concerns of young black men who are terrified to be involved in a traffic violation because they fear they will be violated, disrespected, wrongly accused , and killed by the cops. I listened to the confessions of older white women who are scared for their own lives because they’re lost in the FoxNewsWorld and believe the TVLies. I have read countless blogs and underground freedom writing that focuses on the fight against this fear. I have encountered people who, regardless of their cultural backgrounds, respect and understand how important it is to work together – now, more than ever.

And … This is where my message comes in! …

We need to stop fighting against each other and start working on strengthening our connection as a People. I have a perspective that will help you. You have knowledge that I need. Why can’t we share with each other? Why does it have to be awkward? What are you afraid of? How long do we have to wait to get to know each other before we can discuss our passions for life? Is it really a bad thing when I cry? Why haven’t you cried? Oh, can we cry together? Are you capable of that? How about a hug that lasted more than three seconds? Do you know what that feels like?

Yes! I ask these questions directly to you – the reader! Answer them! – Shit! Comment on this blog and answer them. Let’s have a conversation about this. Can’t do it?! Why not?! What’s stopping you from expressing your thoughts, passions, fears, and concerns? What’s stopping you from sharing your desires, hopes, and dreams? The more we talk about it, the more we can create stronger connections by providing our knowledge to each other. Every time we share a story about anything, we plant a seed in the mind of the listener. Every time we vocalize our thoughts, we go through a different thought process, which allows us to strengthen our original thoughts.

If you try to tell me that you don’t want this; you’re a liar! I don’t believe you! There’s no fucking way I feel this passionate about it and it’s only me who’s feeling it. I’ll be damned if I believe there are only a few, small groups who think like this. I refuse to believe our thoughts aren’t increasing in activities in our daily lives. Have you noticed it?

Really, I’m not joking. Ask yourself … Have my thoughts gotten more extreme or excessive in the last couple of years … Have I experienced something that caused me to change my belief structure, which probably in turn, changed or rushed my thought process – and maybe even actions? Has any of that happened to you yet? If you said yes, welcome to the enlightened stage!

This is only part of the journey, too. It’s all part of the process. Some sentient beings are connecting with others without even knowing it. The messages are there all the time. Only those who are listening receive them. Are you paying attention? Do you hear that inner voice of yours? Do you listen to it? Do you follow the advice it gives you? If not, I suggest you do. That voice, the basic dialog we have with ourselves, is essential to a happy life. Do you ever get a twinge in your inner core that guides you somewhere? That’s the same power as the voices.

Let me clarify something, too. Don’t you dare judge me for saying I listen to the voices in my head. They’re there for a reason. They’re there to guide me. They’re there to teach me. What is your inner voice teaching you? Before you try to tell me that I’m crazy because I admit to having a full conversation with my inner voice, why not listen to your own inner voice and find your own truth. I have found my truth. I have found who I am. I know my calling in life. Can you say the same about yourself? I sure hope you can!

Again, let me clarify. I am not coming from a place of judgment or a place that signifies that I’m better than anyone else. That just ain’t me – never has been! I’m coming from a place of struggle, fear, fights, understanding, compassion, and personal growth. You can go back to some of my previous blogs and learn where I’m coming from. I’ve shared my story. I’ve accepted my story. I love my story.

The messages: I am fighting the fight for a better tomorrow. I am fighting the fight for internal dialog, outside influences, and social titles that don’t mean anything. Yes, I am struggling in life. However, I am honest, real, vocal, passionate, powerful, strong, and ready to continue struggling because it’s who I am supposed to be. You don’t have to understand me on the level to which I understand myself. I don’t need to understand you on that level either. But, the one thing I do believe will make our experience stronger is by sharing life together. I’ve learned that I cannot do things by myself; I’ve tried; it doesn’t work.

I’m officially asking if you have tapped into your own internal dialog on the level that allowed you to understand your own fears, passions, and desires. I’m asking if you’re willing to share my journey. I’m asking if you’d join me, please! I need you!