A Righteous Path of Faith, Self Reflection and Homelessness

What does one do when they realize they might have fucked up? Laugh! I find myself laughing! I catch myself dancing. I still pray often; in fact, I started reading the bible for the first time ever. I am always writing. And, I tell myself that “This too shall pass.”

Did I fuck up though? Am I a fuck up? That self-dialog does tend to come sneaking in when I’m feeling lost. You see, depression is no joke, and when one is homeless, sleeping in their car or crashing on the couches of strangers, one must ask … What went wrong? Where did I mess up? How did I get here? Then, the anxiety sneaks in and breathing become so difficult. Breathing is hard. Oh the sting and fear of suicide is still there. Those thoughts will always be there. But I’m stronger than that.

I am stronger than that, indeed!

My ego and pride are out the window at this point. My weakness is my strength. To admit that the situation I am in is absolutely from my own choices. I blame nobody but myself. Yeah, I did this. To admit that says a lot. I don’t blame the system. I don’t blame the choices of other people. I don’t blame the trauma from my childhood. I don’t blame any of it. Actually, I don’t even blame myself I guess.

This is my life right now. I just graduated less than a year ago and I’m officially homeless. It’s strange. I have a car – which has radiator problems, of course (lol) – but I have a car. I have food. I have clothes on my back. And I have a new friend’s roof over my head for now. That little girl within myself that I’ve been tending to over the years is safe. The strong woman I have become is responsible for only myself. I do not have children (yet), and I have the loving support of a strong man behind me.

I’m scared though. I know I won’t be able to live this way for long. Not having a safe place to rest my head on a regular basis will take its toll on my life and spiritual strength. I am still weak. I am still afraid. I am confused. I am loved, supported, and respected by my peers. The Universe has brought me to this place and I have accepted it fully. When I’m in my moment, I feel a sense of calm. Even with the anxiety attacks from sleeping in my backseat when it’s 12 degrees outside, there’s a sense of love and light.

Homelessness is not a choice. I have two jobs. I’m working on many things but I have very little cash. I’m in debt, I have no credit, and home is far far away. It’s up to me now to get myself out of this situation I’ve put myself into. I know this. Nobody is going to bail me out this time. My tight support group has become smaller and smaller as time goes on, and right now I question those who once considered themselves loyal friends. It’s strange that I have revisited an old love from 10+ years ago, which has brought me to a place I never thought possible.

My next step will need to be thought out and strategically planned because the next journey I set forth for myself will also be his path, too. Yes, I’m in love. That’s what’s getting me through this homeless situation I am in. It’s where the laughs come from. His love has brought dancing back into my daily life. I have found God because of this man, and there’s nothing that can happen in my life that will break me down. The love we have built and revisited has given me the strength and encouragement that I need to further this path of righteousness of self reflection, homelessness, and faith.

We are doing God’s work.
We are students of His.
We will continue to work with the love and light we have together, even when I’m homeless and he’s … well, he’s stuck right now.
My guardians and spirit guides are telling me stay put and focus on myself for awhile; so that’s what I’m doing…

Oh, and I’m still writing about that Bay Area Harlot I once was ❤ Publications soon, y’all!

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It’s time for … a quickie, of course

Sexual passions

Do you know it? Do you know that release of pure enjoyment and ecstasy? I only ask because that’s what I thrive on – well, that’s what I used to thrive on, at least.

For many years I focused on that passionate release, and now it’s taken me to a road of writing and encouragement. I always said, “I’ll never move back to the Bay Area,” And here I am planning my life to further my dream of living there again. Nothing is concrete, but I cannot explain to you how my memoirs have pushed me through into an entirely different – but oh so perfect – direction in life.

After graduation, I was pissed off with everything because the system is so corrupt. I didn’t want to be part of it. I still don’t. I’m talkin’ rEVOLution. I’m talkin’ commUNITY. I’m talkin’ pure light and love, y’all. Unconditional love, compassion, and the ability to talk through our struggles. I’m talkin’ prison outreach. I’m talkin’ motivational speaking. I’m talkin’ youth mentorship. I’m talkin’ LIVING THE DREAM!!! We all have a dream, right? I’m now working on accomplishing the goals and dreams I have set forth. And, by the looks of things, there’s a kingdom waiting for Us…

Dream big, please!

Take a step forward, please.

Forget about the fear, please!

I promise you … moving forward to accomplish a dream is the best thing in the world. I encourage all of you to start living your dreams because it’s about time we start living in a place of light and love … Many blessings, y’all!

More will come, of course. I just wanted to let y’all know that I haven’t gone anywhere. My book is in it’s last stages of edit and this Bay Area Harlot will tell her freaky tale … Much love!

Emotional Battle of The Then, The Now, and The Next ~ In Love with a Client  

It’s been awhile since I posted, and it’s not because I haven’t been writing. I haven’t posted because what I’ve been writing has been difficult and emotional. But, it’s time isn’t it. It’s time I share one major piece of my life puzzle. It’s time to admit that something has connected within. Something has grown within. Something is created. It’s strong, too!

That wonderful fluttering feeling in my inner core has been an on going struggle because the love I created over the past year is still present and strong. That love reminded me of so much. Or maybe it was the original love (10+ years ago) that made me fall in love this time around. I have asked myself if the reason I fell in love this time around was to remind myself of the love everything started with. Yeah, is it possible? Isn’t that how Universal Messages work? Is it possible that this recent core flutter of love, appreciation, admiration, and pure light is a reflection of what was before? I think it is, to an extent. I think I missed it last time though; I didn’t see it as such. I believe one of the reason I started the newer path of love was because I was reminded of my original love. The original love I speak of was the beginning of my light.

Okay, before I continue … Yes, of course I was in love in high school, but this is different. My high school sweet heart was a difficult, adolescent love. It was a darker love. This other man, where my inner core flutters steam from, was a client I fell in love with. As a sex worker (I hate the term prostitute), I used my skills on many men – many married men, as a matter of fact. While I worked the streets, I was very emotionally shut down. This guy opened my heart chakra. This guy challenged me to find my inner peace. This guy planted a seed that has grown since that first day I met him; I just didn’t realize it until this recent love was built and destroyed. He is who introduced God to me. He is who taught me how to relax my body. He is … very significant.

You see, I’m writing my memoirs from when I worked at the warehouse. I’ve been writing it for over a year now. This man I speak of is a main character in that story. I fell in love with this man. I was a different person then, of course. I didn’t know anything about what I wanted in life. I didn’t understand my daddy issues. I wasn’t aware of my heartache and pain of a troubled youth. Not anywhere near what I know now about myself…

There are parallels that I’m working with right now. There are so many similarities in my love for these two men. And, I will stand by my word and say that I did fall in love with the most recent man for specific reasons (very valid and real reasons, too), but I wonder if the reason I got so comfortable so quickly was because I was remembering the love I created 10+ years ago. See the irony? I’m working with this now. I’m working with the idea that maybe, just maybe, my love for this newer guy had a possible thought of happiness because I was remembering my original love. I look at this newer man and I see many things in our lives that wouldn’t mesh very well. I think we’re of different passions, desires, and dream structures. And there’s nothing wrong with that, but I don’t think a happy future would have been possible.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I have made contact with him … my king … he’s asked me to wait for him. He has two and a half more years in prison. Why is he in prison? I don’t know! I’ve heard a few different stories, but I do not know his truth. And, it’s not important right now. People are telling me to be safe, not to trust him, and that I shouldn’t have contacted him in the first place. People are wrong! People don’t know. What’s going on inside of me – and him, too – is between him and I. I’m sharing my struggle here because it’s very significant story of my life, which deserves to be here with the rest of it.

I’m working, living, and loving in the now but I remember the then. It’s hard! As I’m healing, I’m also building. As I’m letting go, I’m attaching. As I cry, I laugh! I’m getting involved with a lot. I’m making impressions with the right people. I’ve been in this location for 8 weeks. It’s exactly where I need to be, and I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m building a name for myself again. I’m pursuing my dreams. I’m connecting with people. I’m making a difference in the lives of those I touch. Two and a half years from now, who knows where I’ll be. I can’t say that I will wait for him, but I can’t deny him either. The love is too strong, still.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I paused for a minute to recollect my thoughts (and clear the tears from my eyes) so I didn’t get off topic … and it’s so strange because I’m almost done with my memoirs. I have about three more chapters to write before I’m ready to send it out for edits and critiques. By January, I will have it finished and ready for publication. I will send him a copy, of course. How will it make him feel to know he’s my main character? Even though some of the stories in the memoir weren’t specifically moments him and I shared, but nonetheless, he’s my main character.

So, yeah … That’s where I’m at right now. I’m still exercising. My planks and core muscles are getting stronger. My waist is fading. My hips are slimming. My ass is firm. My body feels great. I’m healthy. I’m broke as fuck and can’t afford anything at this point, but I’m working on making the right impressions, like I said, and I have faith! I know I won’t be homeless. I know I won’t be cold at night. I know I’ll have food. I’ll be safe through the winter. I’m blessed, indeed.

But in all honesty, I still cry myself to sleep. I still crave the embrace of someone who loves me. I still feel my inner core pulling me closer to my destiny. I still believe in the numbers, my intuition, and the strength that comes with owning and loving all parts of me. I’ve realized in recent days that I’m not hiding any parts of me anymore. I don’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing at the wrong time or even the right thing at the right time. I have nothing to hide anymore, and the purity of my message is becoming easier to share.

I think about who I was then, who I am now, and who I might be in two and a half years. #CupOfJoBruno prison style is under way. He has information I need. He is my inside connection. I just didn’t realize I was going to fall in love with him again. I didn’t realize I was in love with him then. It’s funny how a voice can ease so much pain and sorrow, even after 8 years of not talking.

I think about my detox last year and the struggles of my unborn child. I think about my trip to Haiti and the connections to my ancestors. I think about people I’ve grown apart from. I think about new connections being made. I think about happiness, peace, and love. I think it’s possible. I think I’m worth it. True, unconditional love … is it a thing? One could hope, right? I have hope.

A Year of Change

I have lost many friends and experienced many broken bonds in just the last year alone. I’ve been told that if those bonds were broken they were never real in the first place. They were all real at one point. People grow apart. People change and sometimes we can’t figure out how to continue connecting when sparks are flying. It becomes two negative charges trying to connect; it just doesn’t work. Things happen within our lives and we perceive things differently. We make choices based off a multitude of reasons, and sometimes people make mistakes. Bonds break. Once powerful knots are untied or severed. It happens, right? True friendship existed at one point. Unconditional love was present throughout the time spent together.

Things must change …

The summer 2013 was when I did my detox; it was extremely painful; I was alone throughout the beginning. I wasn’t supposed to be though; I felt the first sting of betrayal during this time. Support was not there, at first. Eventually, I reached out to a lifer. She listened as I cried, and she helped me make sense of the craziness of my hormones and thoughts. Looking back to those days, I see how it’s shaped me into who I am today. Things said by those who loved me at one point and experiencing the recovery of a 15-year-old death changed me. I am the one who changed. When another, unexpected person showed concern about my health and well being, it changed me even more. Again, a year later, I see how the voice of that individual helped create the person I am today. That particular voice has become the driving force of my future ambitions.

I must change …

Detaching from the old and forgiving the sorrows of my previous choices, I found myself free from the dark shadows of my damaged soul. I was no longer held down by my past. I did not allow myself to live in my past any longer. Instead, it was a part of me – I allowed the sorrow to become a part of my newly found love for myself. As I shed and released the collection of my past, I became a different person. My thoughts were different. My spiritual practice was different. My ambitions changed. My focus was on myself, finally. I talked to my ancestors, and they spoke to me. I connected to a higher realm. Experiencing that cleanse with the two supportive and surprising voices helped me connect to my higher self. It’s difficult to see all this, a year later, because one of those gentle voices has also become one that has left me.

Lives must change …

The winter 2013 was when I went to Haiti. This trip, nearly a year later, has changed me even more than any experience I ever had. It’s tied to my detox in many ways. The moon rituals I started during my cleanse traveled with me to Haiti. I spent the last full moon of 2013 on the beach of Haiti. My ancestors were with me. I was visited by previous connections to past realms. Further, that strong, now missing voice kept me grounded as well as brought me home many nights. I experienced a transcendence that to this day has yet to make sense to me. It is because of these things that have brought me to where I am today. My vision has changed. The social goggles that I was raised with have been broken and replaced by a pair of contacts. I no longer have my boxed frames getting in the way of the eternal vision. It’s because of my trip to Haiti and the combination of my past and present that has me making great strides to accomplish the future I see for myself.

Action must change …

I have heard a definition of insanity as doing something the same way and expecting different results. The spring of 2014 has now become the striving force of my insanity. Better yet, it’s become the biggest mistake of my past addictions and bad choices. I made many mistakes. The outcome has become the reason I no longer trust my instincts, intuition, and empathy. This particular situation has become the largest void of my internal being. Not even my ancestors or the full moon can help me heal from this one. It simply just is a part of me now. As I travel further and pursue my dreams, all of the things that have helped me be the person I am today will be a part of me.

To change is to grow …

Summer 2014 is just about over. The trees have been kissed lightly by fall. I see the change in seasons. I am guided by those changes. I follow the moon cycle. I hear the call of the birds and the screaming of our Mother’s voice. One year has passed since the ending of my detox. I started this blog for the reason of my detox. Because of the changing force of my passion and vision, I went back and forth about changing the reason of this blog. I don’t think I can change it. These writings are for me to express the struggle of a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), an empathic woman, and someone who has many important things to say. It started with my detox. It transcended from that to an ancestral connection, traveling spirits, and eventually falling deeply in love.

Change is hard …

It’s been a seven year cycle of me being a student. This is the first fall term in seven years that I am not scheduling my next term. I graduated. Now what? It’s been a traveling vacation and unknown destinations so far. Right now, I am in Colorado. I pray I can find a place throughout the winter. I am homeless. Yes, maybe by choice – kind of. I couldn’t afford rent. I was bailed out a couple of times, but after graduation – and without the financial aid assistance – I couldn’t do it. I had work lined up, but I noticed the suicidal depression of my addiction and I had to leave. I’m sure the Winter of 2014 would have taken my life if I stayed stagnant. I left. I decided to jump and follow my new visions. It’s terrifying and quite lonely. I am the Ronin. With the loss of close friends (and non-friends) over the year, I now see it as a new opportunity to gather the pieces that shattered and find peace within myself. I have decided to internalize again. I have made the choice to keep the matters of my heart to myself. It was by choice I walked away without a fight. It was a hard decision to make, but my vision will stay mine. Sharing the insight, lessons learned, and new ambitions developed will be easy, but to give my secrets away and share my passion with others will probably not happen for a while. Details don’t matter right now. All that matters is that I am reconstructing my thoughts, aspiration, and faith because my focus has changed. As I said, my vision has changed; I have changed.

Change is inevitable …

It isn’t change that we fear because everything is forever changing. Nothing is ever the same after time passes – not even time itself can stay the same. The thing people fear about change is the unknown. The unknown is scary. The unknown is a terrifying place to live. I’ve noticed that the strong, silent voice that was once in my reality but now only in my subconscious, has become my saving grace. Focusing on picking up the pieces that shattered throughout my cavern’s floor is what is keeping me from fearing the unknown and completely freaking out about my situation. I am not thinking about the unknown. I am thinking about how my puzzle has expanded. It still isn’t complete, of course, but there’s an entirely new scene painted on the canvas of my life’s work. Why fear something that is out of my control? Why worry about what can’t be changed? Why fear change? Instead of focusing on the unknown, focus on what is. If the life that is doesn’t make you smile in some way, change it! Don’t fear it, just change it. People will become distant. People will disappear. People may or may not support you. People will call you names, tell you how wrong you are, and even try to give you false promises. I’ve learned it’s because they don’t understand. I’ve learned it’s because the fear people associate with change isn’t really change, but fear of not trusting themselves to jump and follow their own dreams. I’ve learned it’s because I am a pain in the ass and when I have my sights set on something I’m passionate about, I’m nearly unstoppable. I’ll get knocked around. I’ll cry. I’ll get angry and try to force things I feel to be true. I have lost. But in the end of it all, I have won more than I lost. It was because I don’t fear the unknown. I trusted my faith that grew during my detox and travel to Haiti. That’s why I’m able to follow my dreams and reconstruct my thoughts. It was because of those amazing experiences and supportive voices that allowed me to see a different vision for myself.

I’ve changed my mind … therefore, I have changed my life
I’m on the pursuit of happiness
Change is my happiness
What’s your happiness?

Chaos & Spirit ~ Who will take the challenge?!

 

I wrote this about a week ago. I’ve been trying to find peace within chaos and it seems to be working. I’m also working on my anger and egowhich has been difficult – but I’m doing better with it. I’m up to three days a week on my punching bag and I’m on day 5 of squats. Once I have a routine with those two things I will add crunches to the regimen. I have lost over 40 lbs since early april and by next april, I wish to lose another 40 lbs. Wish me luck! I’m preparing for what’s to come. I’m trying different ways to calm myself. I’m finding new ways of growing. I’ve dug deep into my past and it’s taught me a lot. I’ve learned many lessons since I started this entire detox and today I am grateful for all of it. The pain, heartache and confusion are, indeed, the things that have made my path clear. Changing our thought process is difficult, and almost feels impossible sometimes. Our habits get the best of us. But, they can change. We can change if we so choose. I will be the woman I wish to be because I’ve taken the challenge ❤

~~~~ Start Poetry ~~~~

Heartache, pain and confusion are the

human form submerged into chaos.

Acceptance is key

when fighting against life’s struggles.

Moments of chaos

turn into peaceful moments.

Those moments

help Spirit become the

prominent force through struggle.

There’s a void in the soul,

almost a painful black hole,

when chaos controls life.

Acceptance is key

when fighting against life’s struggles.

Faith in Spirit is

faith in human form.

Acceptance in human chaos brings

acceptance in peace.

Is there a veil

between Human Chaos

and Spiritual Peace?

Can there be a bridge

to cross?

Is the bridge even noticeable?

From the Human Chaos

grab debris.

From the heartache

gather dirt, rocks and twigs.

From the pain

pick up a the pieces.

From the heartache

find twine.

Take the debris

Take the dirt, rocks and twigs

Take the pieces of your heart

And bind it all with the twine

Clean up those cuts and bruises

Heal the Human Form

by Accepting the Human Chaos.

If the bridge is invisible,

throw all your shit in front of you!

The bridge will become clear

because those pieces you’ve picked up

will, indeed, form a path for you.

Will you take the challenge?

Finding Peace In Chaos

Today’s theme has been “Find Peace within Chaos.” I had quite a few conversations today that reminded me to stay grounded while experiencing a situation that wasn’t completely pleasant. I noticed that I joke around a lot when things get awkward or difficult. I try to lighten the situation with a joke. Not sure if it’s a good idea, all the time at least. Today, I was reminded of my past relationships with two individuals while I worked at the warehouse. It’s interesting because my experience at the warehouse has not been something I’ve shared yet. 

Quickly, I will just tell you that I worked at this place for many years. I was in charge of the entire warehouse(s) inventory. At one point, we had three warehouses with over 2,000 products in each of them – that’s not including all the refurbished products we stored outside. Well, let’s just say … I ran that place. I played my co-workers every chance I got. In the end, however, I was the one who paid for all that I did. It got UGLY at the end. But it wasn’t always ugly. I enjoyed my time there. Even though I was doing some real stupid and crazy things during that time, the work experience taught me a lot about my work ethics and how I like and don’t like certain working environments. Even though I didn’t see it at the time, the experience at the warehouse taught me how to adapt to a situation. Today, while I was in a situation with someone who matched my previous co-worker’s position, I thought about how I handle the situation before and how I should handle it differently now. So, I did! I enjoy this outcome much more than the previous outcome. It was neat! Reflecting on that moment now, I see it as a lesson learned – a skill that not many people have adapted.

When things get difficult, many people – even me – will react with emotion instead of logic or mindfulness. Emotions will present themselves all the time. Many times people react quickly to the first emotion that hits them. Usually, for me, it was rebuttal and the attitude of “no, I’m right.” I started doing that today. I stopped myself though because I thought back to when I used to do it before. It didn’t work very well for me because I would always, eventually, get emotional and stop talking to the person. Now, however, I noticed I was REPEATING MY MISTAKE and I was able to stop it (I tagged that blog in reference to the beach parking lot situation and how I was able to find the courage within myself and do something different). I switched my response to today’s conversation and it changed the outcome – imagine that!!!

I’ve always mentioned how important mindfulness is so I’m not going to talk much about that. However, understanding my idea of MINDFULNESS will help you with the rest of this blog. Not only is being mindful of yourself and your surroundings important, it’s essential to finding peace within a chaotic situation. If something goes wrong, how would you handle the situation? Let’s take it to the extreme. If there was a shooting at your work or in your school or next door, what would you do? Yeah, it’ll be scary. Yeah, call the cops. Yeah, make sure you’re is safe. Then what? How would the fear settle in? How would confusion, concern and intrigue set in? What would happen when you started asking yourself, “What’s going on.” It won’t take long, really. It’ll even take quicker if there are other people around who are screaming or crying. Our minds process things very quickly. Our emotional state of mind will determine our actions. If we’re mindful during a situation like this, we’ll make choices with logic and emotion; not just emotion. Our choices will be thoughtful and not selfish. This is some pretty intense stuff, right? I mean, I took it to the extreme. I took it to a situation that is terrifying. Who knows how we’ll handle the situation. I don’t know. But these are questions I’ve been asking myself. If I can look at my situation from the warehouse and my situation today and change my reaction – that’s mindfulness. That’s actively changing my thoughts and trying something new. That’s finding peace within chaos! That’s amazing to me!

I share this story because I think it’s important to remember that our thoughts will become our actions. If we can think about past choices and change the way we interact with similar situations, we can change the outcome of said situation. So, hey, be mindful and find peace within a chaotic situation. Find peace within yourself. Find peace within your thoughts. Find peace in your past. Chaos is everywhere. Things are crazy – and getting crazier by the day. We have to learn how to stay mindful and find peace within our lives if we are to survive the struggles in our future.

Blessed Be, Readers!

Image,

PICTURE IS LINKED!