My Dreams and Desires come with High Expectations of Myself

It’s been a confusing adventure since graduating with my bachelors degree in June 2014. I’ve been homeless for over a year now. Yes, I had places to stay, and I was not on the streets for long. I did have support. I did have people who took me in. Honestly, I believe that while I was on this homeless adventure, I cashed in on karma points I racked up over the four years I lived in Oregon. I helped many people with no expectation or desire to be paid back for any of it. I helped people because they needed it and in turn, people helped me when I needed it. The thing is, however, I find myself upset about recent activities in my life. I find myself feeling as if someone owes me something, but I also know that isn’t true. I find myself with much hostility and a little give a damn. I find myself working through another cycle of PTSD because I trusted the wrong people once again, and I’m back on my homeless adventure.

I’m focusing my energy on what I need to accomplish now. I can’t have the sorrows of others becoming my own sorrows again. I was almost stuck in a situation that would have been very difficult to live with. I was uncomfortable, which encouraged me to focus on change; I was manifesting change, but I wasn’t expecting it to happen so quick. In the last year, it seems that as soon as I trusted my environment and found some comfort, I had to pack up quickly and move on to another place. Realizing all the quick changes, I kept telling myself that things happen for a reason, and I will continue to make my choices based on intuition. My intuitive nature has gotten me out of many potentially bad experiences. Yes, it has a lot to do with my choices toward the negative energy I have encountered, and maybe a part of me regrets reacting the way I did. Then again, when I look at it from all angles, I think that where I am and where I’m heading is exactly where I need to be.

Am I following my heart? Absolutely!

To me, going full circle means recognizing the past and present as a combined force that creates the future. As soon as I land my feet back in the Bay Area, I will consider my life to have taken a full circle. Okay, of course, things can always change and nobody really knows what the future holds. Nonetheless, I know that where I’m heading next is because I have visited and accepted my past. I started writing my memoirs during my senior year, and the PTSD and healing that came from that has strengthened my mind, body, and soul. Now, it’s time for me to focus on what I need to do to succeed for my future. All that matters right now is my future, which is not planned, but it is fated with passion and desire. It’s amazing to think that the book I wrote my senior year is the same book that got me back in contact with my man. I have a lot of research to do. I have plenty of things to find out. With all that I need to do, I have high expectations of myself, and I have faith that I will accomplish my dreams.

My dreams are big, my desires are strong, and my passion is empowering. The trauma I’ve experienced in my past is nothing more than pieces of the puzzle. Visiting my past has encouraged me to write my memoirs, which will be published soon. Accepting my past gave me strength to reach out to an old friend and lover. That old friend and lover is now the man I have chosen to plan my future with. He’s the memory from my past that takes up the majority of my book. He is my best friend, my partner, and my rock. As I said, my future is not planned, but with him by my side, it will be lived with much laughter, trust, and honor. Combining my past with my present has been a journey I will never forget; it’s in hundreds of hand-written letters. I have found love. I have found forgiveness. I have found me. What I will do with all of it is unsure, but becoming an author has been a long time dream. So, my standards are set for my success and with that success will come many more conversations about my passion for life and the importance of happiness.

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It’s time for … a quickie, of course

Sexual passions

Do you know it? Do you know that release of pure enjoyment and ecstasy? I only ask because that’s what I thrive on – well, that’s what I used to thrive on, at least.

For many years I focused on that passionate release, and now it’s taken me to a road of writing and encouragement. I always said, “I’ll never move back to the Bay Area,” And here I am planning my life to further my dream of living there again. Nothing is concrete, but I cannot explain to you how my memoirs have pushed me through into an entirely different – but oh so perfect – direction in life.

After graduation, I was pissed off with everything because the system is so corrupt. I didn’t want to be part of it. I still don’t. I’m talkin’ rEVOLution. I’m talkin’ commUNITY. I’m talkin’ pure light and love, y’all. Unconditional love, compassion, and the ability to talk through our struggles. I’m talkin’ prison outreach. I’m talkin’ motivational speaking. I’m talkin’ youth mentorship. I’m talkin’ LIVING THE DREAM!!! We all have a dream, right? I’m now working on accomplishing the goals and dreams I have set forth. And, by the looks of things, there’s a kingdom waiting for Us…

Dream big, please!

Take a step forward, please.

Forget about the fear, please!

I promise you … moving forward to accomplish a dream is the best thing in the world. I encourage all of you to start living your dreams because it’s about time we start living in a place of light and love … Many blessings, y’all!

More will come, of course. I just wanted to let y’all know that I haven’t gone anywhere. My book is in it’s last stages of edit and this Bay Area Harlot will tell her freaky tale … Much love!

Emotional Battle of The Then, The Now, and The Next ~ In Love with a Client  

It’s been awhile since I posted, and it’s not because I haven’t been writing. I haven’t posted because what I’ve been writing has been difficult and emotional. But, it’s time isn’t it. It’s time I share one major piece of my life puzzle. It’s time to admit that something has connected within. Something has grown within. Something is created. It’s strong, too!

That wonderful fluttering feeling in my inner core has been an on going struggle because the love I created over the past year is still present and strong. That love reminded me of so much. Or maybe it was the original love (10+ years ago) that made me fall in love this time around. I have asked myself if the reason I fell in love this time around was to remind myself of the love everything started with. Yeah, is it possible? Isn’t that how Universal Messages work? Is it possible that this recent core flutter of love, appreciation, admiration, and pure light is a reflection of what was before? I think it is, to an extent. I think I missed it last time though; I didn’t see it as such. I believe one of the reason I started the newer path of love was because I was reminded of my original love. The original love I speak of was the beginning of my light.

Okay, before I continue … Yes, of course I was in love in high school, but this is different. My high school sweet heart was a difficult, adolescent love. It was a darker love. This other man, where my inner core flutters steam from, was a client I fell in love with. As a sex worker (I hate the term prostitute), I used my skills on many men – many married men, as a matter of fact. While I worked the streets, I was very emotionally shut down. This guy opened my heart chakra. This guy challenged me to find my inner peace. This guy planted a seed that has grown since that first day I met him; I just didn’t realize it until this recent love was built and destroyed. He is who introduced God to me. He is who taught me how to relax my body. He is … very significant.

You see, I’m writing my memoirs from when I worked at the warehouse. I’ve been writing it for over a year now. This man I speak of is a main character in that story. I fell in love with this man. I was a different person then, of course. I didn’t know anything about what I wanted in life. I didn’t understand my daddy issues. I wasn’t aware of my heartache and pain of a troubled youth. Not anywhere near what I know now about myself…

There are parallels that I’m working with right now. There are so many similarities in my love for these two men. And, I will stand by my word and say that I did fall in love with the most recent man for specific reasons (very valid and real reasons, too), but I wonder if the reason I got so comfortable so quickly was because I was remembering the love I created 10+ years ago. See the irony? I’m working with this now. I’m working with the idea that maybe, just maybe, my love for this newer guy had a possible thought of happiness because I was remembering my original love. I look at this newer man and I see many things in our lives that wouldn’t mesh very well. I think we’re of different passions, desires, and dream structures. And there’s nothing wrong with that, but I don’t think a happy future would have been possible.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I have made contact with him … my king … he’s asked me to wait for him. He has two and a half more years in prison. Why is he in prison? I don’t know! I’ve heard a few different stories, but I do not know his truth. And, it’s not important right now. People are telling me to be safe, not to trust him, and that I shouldn’t have contacted him in the first place. People are wrong! People don’t know. What’s going on inside of me – and him, too – is between him and I. I’m sharing my struggle here because it’s very significant story of my life, which deserves to be here with the rest of it.

I’m working, living, and loving in the now but I remember the then. It’s hard! As I’m healing, I’m also building. As I’m letting go, I’m attaching. As I cry, I laugh! I’m getting involved with a lot. I’m making impressions with the right people. I’ve been in this location for 8 weeks. It’s exactly where I need to be, and I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m building a name for myself again. I’m pursuing my dreams. I’m connecting with people. I’m making a difference in the lives of those I touch. Two and a half years from now, who knows where I’ll be. I can’t say that I will wait for him, but I can’t deny him either. The love is too strong, still.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I paused for a minute to recollect my thoughts (and clear the tears from my eyes) so I didn’t get off topic … and it’s so strange because I’m almost done with my memoirs. I have about three more chapters to write before I’m ready to send it out for edits and critiques. By January, I will have it finished and ready for publication. I will send him a copy, of course. How will it make him feel to know he’s my main character? Even though some of the stories in the memoir weren’t specifically moments him and I shared, but nonetheless, he’s my main character.

So, yeah … That’s where I’m at right now. I’m still exercising. My planks and core muscles are getting stronger. My waist is fading. My hips are slimming. My ass is firm. My body feels great. I’m healthy. I’m broke as fuck and can’t afford anything at this point, but I’m working on making the right impressions, like I said, and I have faith! I know I won’t be homeless. I know I won’t be cold at night. I know I’ll have food. I’ll be safe through the winter. I’m blessed, indeed.

But in all honesty, I still cry myself to sleep. I still crave the embrace of someone who loves me. I still feel my inner core pulling me closer to my destiny. I still believe in the numbers, my intuition, and the strength that comes with owning and loving all parts of me. I’ve realized in recent days that I’m not hiding any parts of me anymore. I don’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing at the wrong time or even the right thing at the right time. I have nothing to hide anymore, and the purity of my message is becoming easier to share.

I think about who I was then, who I am now, and who I might be in two and a half years. #CupOfJoBruno prison style is under way. He has information I need. He is my inside connection. I just didn’t realize I was going to fall in love with him again. I didn’t realize I was in love with him then. It’s funny how a voice can ease so much pain and sorrow, even after 8 years of not talking.

I think about my detox last year and the struggles of my unborn child. I think about my trip to Haiti and the connections to my ancestors. I think about people I’ve grown apart from. I think about new connections being made. I think about happiness, peace, and love. I think it’s possible. I think I’m worth it. True, unconditional love … is it a thing? One could hope, right? I have hope.

Bay Area Born ~ Traveling Spirit

Forever representing the 925
Born and raised in the Bay Area
The product of 80s Hip Hop
Italian/Sicilian family with strong local roots
Lost in the system of America
My heritage was missing and unrecorded
Unknown during my own troubled youth
I traveled over the train tracks to Downtown
Learned the Culture of the streets
So many bloody fist fights with parental figures 

Borrowed, used, beaten, and exploited

High school sweet heart and a Miscarried Seed
Broken femur by The Red Camaro incident
Hospitalized during high school graduation
Broken heart by The Blackened Shadow
Hiding behind the pain endured
To the streets I returned
Adult Street Worker making money
Getting caught up in the remnants of 80s rap
Acted the roll and provided for the Bay Area scene
The White Privilege of my Italian skin
The Ghetto Attitude of my street personality
Provided just enough to get me places 

Borrowed, used, beaten, and exploited

Broken Spirit caused by my Split Moral
In love with a client, I had become
Promises made hold strong today
Sneaking away with their hidden truths
Secrets held within the depths of my Lovers’ embrace
Falling further and further away, I sought balance
In the southern Oregon trees I found peace
Spirit building, fresh water bathing, and snow meditations
The fluidity of my Spirit and the oils of other lifestyles didn’t mix
A newly found Traveling Spirit back to the Bay Area
No, not to the streets this time
Traveling within The System, I found an Education
Love of graphics, writing, and production
Love of leadership, community, and family
Learned perspectives of those I followed in my youth
Difficult to distinguish the Difference of Viewpoints
Struggled with double standards, “Black Cards,” and the “One Drop” rule
It was the words of Cornel West that motivated me to change roles
Adult perspectives of the role I played in the 80s Hip Hop scene 

Borrowed, used, beaten, and exploited

I returned to the trees of Oregon, further north to the Willamette Valley
Strange combination of earth, love, and social normality
No regards of Old Street Life or addictive sexual desires repeating
I found Myself buried deep in that 4-year journey
I learned forgiveness, understanding, and social requirements
Italian/Sicilian blood, Bay Area roots, and a Systematic Education
Forgotten history, misplaced childhood, and now an angry adult
In love I had fallen, to The Man on the Moon
Familiar spirits, like past lives reconnecting and breaking again
It’s another puzzle piece to the layered Leo Drama of society’s life
Ronin spirit with an external shell representing and supporting the 925
Bay Area born, street smart, physical labor, and educated through the University
Teachers from the other side of the tracks as well as the other side of the trailers
Acceptance of such things has given me ambition to go further
New journey with a strange Toolbox
I’m awaiting my turn to accomplish another Dream
Nestled somewhere in the Colorado Rockies with an unknown destination
Following my dreams has taken me on a homeless route 

Borrowed, used, beaten, and exploited

I have returned to the Earth to settle my sorrows in Her soil
I am the little White Girl who craves attention
I am the angry Teenager who hates herself
I am the easy Young Woman who fights addiction
I am the ignorant Spirit Traveler who teaches self-love
I am the arrogant Leo Queen who forces truth 

Borrowed, used, beaten, and exploited

Those five characters now wrapped by The Three-Bound Knot
Third Eye open and I’m creating Solitude and Oneness
These hands in the soil created an introduction to a New Being
The Universe has helped me create another way to live and love
Collection of all encompassing entities, past and present
My Ancestors are speaking to me, guiding me, and protecting me
Away this body, mind, heart and spirit will go
Its purpose is to continue to fly and grow

Exposed truth

Preteen girl
Still a child
Taken away
Just a moment
To paradise

Tall grass
Black boy
Blow job
A hot meal

I was hungry
He bought me lunch
He was in high school
I was still only a child

Fairies danced for me
My king moaned for me
It was pleasurable for me
Food was important for me

I was not a child
I was a woman
No!
I was a child
I was not a woman

I am a woman
My child plays
In those same high grasses
Where she was taken away
Taken away to paradise
I was
For a moment

Crush Winery
Monmouth Oregon
April 2014

We have a bleeder …

I hardly know where to start. I don’t quite know how much I want to share with you. There are still things I’m trying to work through. I have to keep asking myself, “What is it I truly want to give to the reader?” “What do I share and how much do I share in order for my point to be made without over sharing?” Then I realized it doesn’t matter! I’m not only writing for you, the reader, I’m writing for me as well. I am using this blog not only to encourage people and empower your minds, but also to release some of my thoughts and many of my stories. I feel it’s time I let my stories be told because it’s obviously time for people to hear them.

If, in fact, I do over share in your personal category of over sharing, I apologize. I apologize you’re not willing to grow and expand your comfort zone. I am sorry you won’t put your fears, judgments and ridicule aside long enough to read my story, regardless of how crude, brutal or straight forward it may be. I’m not going to hold back anymore and I’m not going question myself.

If you’ve kept up with my previous blogs, or if you know me on a personal level, you’re probably asking yourself where all of that came from. Well, it’s come from five days of bleeding. If you’re a new reader check out my previous blogs. I finally bled. After talking to Dr. Jones from VIDA, I realized I was doing exactly what I needed to be doing. I appreciate Dr. Jones’s advice, but she gave me the same exact advice I received from my other doctors. That’s okay too. So, after talking to her, I decided to double the dose of Black and Blue Cohosh. Well damn! Just two days of doubling the dose (I was taking 30 drops of each, every three hours), I started bleeding. It came fast and it came hard. It went nonstop through the weekend. I spent my time either in bed or on the couch. I have watched so many movies, I don’t even know what to say about myself – lol – But, that’s the only thing I did. It hurt to move. It hurt to stand. It hurt to walk. It hurt to sit. Everything just hurt! I slept a lot too. I did a lot of deep thinking. I cried a lot. I was scared too. Many memories have come back and it’s brought up an entire part of my life I haven’t worked through yet. This is what I don’t want to share with you, yet. I’m not ready to share that part of my history. Not because I don’t want you to know, but because I don’t know how I feel about it yet. And anyways, it kind of goes off topic. It is, indeed, a topic I will cover, just not now.

So, my experience … This will be graphic at times, but please reread the first two paragraphs … I warned you!

Timeline

Monday the 19th – called doctor

Tuesday the 20th – full moon gazing – started Cohosh before bed

Wednesday the 21st – Doubled dose – yard work – moon gazing – back and breast pain

Thursday the 22nd – Doubled dose – major cramping – tired – back and breast pain

Friday the 23rd – Cohosh in morning – full bleeding – cramping – back and breast pain

Saturday the 24th – Stopped taking Cohosh – major cramping – full bleeding

Sunday the 25th – Repeat of Friday and Saturday combined into one day

Monday the 26th – No cramping – light bleeding

Today, Tuesday the 27th – No cramping – no bleeding

During all of this, I was completely alone. Nobody came to visit me. I only got a couple of phone calls. I only talked to one of them. I texted a few people; hiding my pain from them. I didn’t reach out to anyone. I didn’t want to. The only two people I wanted here were unavailable, so I did what I could by myself. And, I did a lot! I did everything by myself. Not only did that teach me that I don’t have to rely on people as much as I always have, but I’m way capable of taking care of myself. Now, if I had to go through this and I had a child or a full time job I wasn’t able to take time off of, I would have been screwed. There would have been no way I could have gone through what I went through if I had responsibilities. I’m so grateful to have the opportunity to just lay down for four days. Then again, I’m proud of myself that even though I was going through so much pain, I still took care of myself when all I wanted to do was punch a wall or go to sleep.

I made myself an awesome set up in the bathroom. I had two 4qt containers with lids filled with distilled water. My friend made me 9 pads out of 100% organic cotton. They were thin pads, but washable and so much nicer then the pads we buy at the store. I had to use four of them at a time and “tape” them to my panties with panty liners. It was messy. There are some alterations I want to try so I can continue using the pads as I continue to bleed (more details on that later). Once I bled through them, I would put them in the distilled water containers. They would soak for about 4 hours, then I would hand wash them and put them in the dryer so they’d be ready for the next round of changing the pads. There was a time I didn’t get around to washing them in time and I had to sit on a bundled up towel. It was uncomfortable and messy but, it worked.

The pain was something I had never experienced before. I tried to find something to compare it to and the only thing I can think of is “This is what getting punched in the abdomen by Tyson feels like.” Not cool, man! Not cool at all! Feeling my femur being pulled into contraction was less painful than this. I seriously wonder if labor pains are like that. Nothing really seemed to work either – except lying on my side and not moving. And, it was only the left side that hurt. I remember when my doctor did an exam on me and she pushed on my abdomen; that was the same area it hurt when she pushed on it. I went back to my test results and everything said my ovaries looked fine and that there were no cysts or growths – so why did it hurt so much? I don’t know! So, that was a concern of mine. I was worried that the Cohosh did something to me. But, I let it go as much as I could and just went with it. If labor pains were like that, I would be a very lazy pregnant woman.

I hardly ate anything, which goes back to my Dr. Oz detox and cleanse experience. The food I bought was supposed to last me the entire month, but most of it went bad before I could eat it. I have an empty fridge. I have plenty of pasta, rice, quinoa and garbanzo beans though. I have no fruits or veggies. Oh! I have some strawberries and pineapple in the freezer. I’m not really hungry anyways. When I do get hungry, I’ll have a piece of gluten free bread with some freshly crushed peanut butter on it. Either that or I’ll have some trail mix. If I’m really hungry, I’ll make some pasta and drizzle olive oil on it. I don’t eat much anymore. I had some coffee this morning, and it made my tummy all bubbly and unhappy. That was interesting. My point is, I think the detox did work in a way. I have put very little garbage in my system since I’ve started this process and maybe the outcome will be that my apatite goes down, extremely. Maybe I’ll find a joy in snacking all day on fruits and veggies then have a nice meal for dinner. Who knows what will come of it. All I know is that I haven’t eaten much this week and I’m feeling pretty good. I had energy today, and I intend on going on a bike ride tomorrow. If it wasn’t for the cramping and back pain, I probably would have been active this weekend. So, I’m looking forward to seeing where my apatite goes from here.

So, back to the pads and bleeding. I enjoyed washing my pads. It was an interesting experience. I thought about what women did 100 years ago. They didn’t have sinks or warm water or a dryer. Shit! Did they even use cloth? It’s really crazy to think about, isn’t it? We have come so far, yet we’re half assed about everything. I much preferred to wash my own pads and reuse them rather then using products from corporate companies. I mean, seriously, most women buy their hygiene products from places like Wal-Mart. Why? Because it’s simple. But there’s something to be said about being responsible for your own waste. There’s something powerful about being able to put your hand into a container filled with bloody, distilled water. Call me, weird … Fine! But it was empowering. It would definitely be difficult to be responsible for reusable pads if I was at school or something. But, I think I will find a way to continue using reusable pads in the future. I don’t want to buy pads anymore. I don’t want to give my money to them. So, I’ll find another way!

You may be asking yourself what the point was of putting my pads in distilled water. Well, I watered my garden. HERE is a link I found that has some helpful, interesting input about using menstrual blood as fertilizer for plants. There’s some concern because of the products of human blood, but we’ll see what happens to my plants. Throughout my bleeding process, I went through 12 quarts of water, which means I was able to water my plants three times. I didn’t water any of my plants more than once and I didn’t water any of my eatable plants. It was an interesting process, really. The first time, I watered my morning glory and lamb’s ear plants. The second time, I watered another lamb’s ear and three gardenia plants. The third time I water three random (I don’t know what they’re called) plants and put the rest into compost. It was funny because Cleo followed me out every single time and remarked her territory after I poured my fertilized water onto the plant. She was all shaky tailed and vocal each time. I think she was a bit excited too – I don’t know! Seriously though, if it wasn’t for her I don’t know what I would have done this weekend. So, I guess I was wrong earlier when I said I was alone … I was not alone! 

Throughout this entire process, I did a lot of thinking. OMG did I do a lot of thinking. I have some messages too. I think our female ancestors visited me over the weekend. I looked at myself in the mirror and I looked different. I looked into my eyes and I talked to myself. So there I have it again … damn it … I was so not alone this weekend … wow!!! That really puts things into perspective. Sweet! Okay, back to what I was saying before that slap of realization hit me. Our ancestors. The women before us. Our great grandmothers and their great grandmothers were with me. The energy of so many past women visited me. The energy of female deity visited me. I believe women, all over the world, are receiving these messages. It’s not just me. I’m not the only one who is sharing the messages either. All I know is that I am blessed to be a vessel. Even though I have my doubts, fears and concerns about my life does not mean I am going to allow those things to take over my thought process. I went through a lot of struggle in the last two weeks. I’ve had to fight some ugly demons. I’ve released so much already, and now I’m moving on to the next phase of my release. What’s to come is unclear, but who cares! I will work on some more things that I need to release, of course, and I’ll go from there. One day at a time, right?

We are women. We are strong. We are capable. We are beautiful. It doesn’t matter what the tabloids say. It doesn’t matter who’s wearing what during some bullshit awards show. If only women would look at themselves in the mirror more often, what a wonderful world we would live in. Look at yourself naked. Look at yourself without make up on. Know your body. Touch it. Honor it. Love it. Cherish it. Respect it. Have a conversation with yourself. Look at your own eyes and have a conversation with that unknown person in the mirror. “Wow! Why have I never seen your eyes before? They’re beautiful.” Women, seriously! How often do we stare into our partner’s eyes and just feel like we’re floating away somewhere. Even if we’re not with that partner anymore, we know the feeling. Every woman has experienced it! Why not experience that while glancing into your own eyes? We are always searching for love and companionship from others, but what would life be like if we were able to do it for ourselves. Every little freckle is where it’s supposed to be. Every big stretch mark is a reminder of our physical growth. Every awkward scar, curve, or bump is a symbol of our uniqueness. That little indent on my thigh is a warrior’s wound. The funny lookin pinky toe I have on my left foot is only one thing about what makes me who I am. It may affect the way I choose my shoes, but it doesn’t change my ability to help others.

What do other people think about my body? They think it’s beautiful! My last three partners appreciated my body. They enjoyed my body. I honestly believe the reason they enjoyed it so much was because I enjoyed it with them. The last partner I was with really appreciated my body. I told him to though. I told him exactly what I wanted and if he wasn’t willing to give it to me, he wasn’t going to experience any part of me. I demanded it because I’m worth it. We have to be comfortable in our own skin to appreciate life at its highest form. 

What do I think about somebody else’s body? I think it’s beautiful. I think their bodies are beautiful because I know, just like my own body, they have war wounds. Those wars make us who we are as individuals. The more we share those stories, the more we learn about each other and the more we’re able to empower our lives together. It’s not something that happens over night, that’s for sure! I’m still working on my own personal image, and I’ve been mindful about it for over 8 years now. We’re always changing our fashion and our minds. We’re always changing, period! When something doesn’t work, we need to find a way to make it work. If it’s not broken, don’t fix it, of course. But, I believe until we are comfortable in our own bodies, our spiritual forms won’t be able to be completely free. We are not humans experiencing a spiritual moment in time, no; we are spiritual beings experiencing a human moment in time. Things get in the way of that and we start living a social norm life. We lost track of Spirit. It’s time we come back to Spirit.

For me, reconnecting to Spirit has taken years and I’m always working on more things. This detox/cleanse process has only been one small moment of personal growth. This is what I’m doing right now …

Sitting on my bed. I’m only wearing a pair of panties. I have my hair up all crazy. I’m sitting in the dark with my laptop resting on my knees while I’m leaning against my wall. I have my earphones on, playing 90’s r&b.

Yup, that’s right!

Doing this is part of the process. While I’m writing this blog, I’m thinking about the music that’s playing and I’m processing more of my past and facing my fears. It’s interesting.

What I’m saying is that every moment can be used as a way to empower yourself. We all live busy lives. People say it’s difficult to “find time.” But I don’t buy it! We have the power to change our routines. What we know as time was human made! We have the ability to move things around, stop doing things that hinder us and start new things. Yeah it’s harder then shit to do, but we can do it! We’re the only ones who are responsible for our lives. I learned that a long time ago. I cannot make choices based on what others need. I cannot live a certain way just because someone wants me to live that way. Yeah, I’ll compromise, of course, but I’ll be damned if someone tells me I cannot have my meditation time every day; sometimes twice a day. I don’t care where I am or who I’m with; if I feel the need to step away and center myself, I will. We all have that choice! We all have the power to do that.

So … stop making excuses … stop telling yourself you “can’t” … figure out what you really need in life and keep it in your life … change what you don’t like … try something new … if you’re scared, ask yourself why then encourage yourself that whatever the reason is isn’t stronger than your will power, and you have the strength to get through the fear … Forgive those who will never say “I’m sorry” … Reach out to an old friend you haven’t talked to in years … Call your mother, father, aunty, grandparent, sibling, cousin, best friend, neighbor …  Whatever you decide to do, just make sure you love yourself in the process! That’s most important, my friends!