Manifesting Success for The Wench’s Cocktale

 

There are millions of things I can write about today, but I am going to focus on my book. The other topics bring me anxiety because they’re all unknown outcomes. Even though the outcome of my book is unknown too, I feel I can positively share my feelings, plans, and aspirations clearer than any other topic. My book is called The Wench’s Cocktale: A Bay Area Memoir. It is the story I have put together while I took the time to recognize my life story and heal from pain and trauma of sexual, verbal, and mental abuse. I find myself praying upon the success of my book to carry me through life. I am manifesting a successful book, which in turn is giving me options on other things I wish to incorporate in the wellbeing of myself and those closest to me.

I’ve always considered myself a healer. I even identify my sexual adventures shared throughout my book as a way of healing. Could it be possible that my book will produce enough success that I could live off of? I don’t want to get a dead end full time job somewhere and not fulfill my dreams of being a writer. I don’t want to work 40+ hours a week just to make enough money to pay bills. I don’t want another boss who eventually becomes a friend who then becomes a stranger.

I’ve written a book. It’s a good book. I have accomplished a childhood dream. Is it real yet? No, not yet. I’m still thinking it’s a dream, not yet reality. But it will be. I will receive a huge box in the mail that will have hundreds of my books ready to sale. I will go on book signings. I will give speeches. I will continue to help others heal through their sexual trauma as I’m healing from mine. It’s a never-ending process, healing is. As I write this blog, I’m healing. I’m manifesting what will be my future.

There are two subtopics within discussing my book. One subtopic is reaching out to the real people who represent the characters in my book. There are three main characters in my book, but those characters represent over a dozen different people. I’ve created characters out of the people who left an impression on my life while I was indulging in my sexual adventures. So, I want to reach out to them and share our stories of growing up and acting out on our passions. It’ll be hard, but it’ll be healing. Nobody ever said healing was easy or painless.

The second subtopic is my love life and the responsibility of being in a committed relationship with the man I fell in love with years ago, who represents the main character in my book. I wrote my book with him in mind the entire time. I fell in love with him all over again when I thought about him. Reaching out to him after I wrote the book has built a relationship that will last the rest of our lifetime. It’s a fairytale, but it isn’t fantasy.

Now, there’s a sub-subtopic within that second subtopic. He’s being released from prison in about 13 months. The book I wrote with him in mind was a book about my sexual trauma and healing from it. It has nothing to do with his story. Together, him and I will write his story. More healing will come of it. Deciding to take a memoirs class during my senior year in college is what brought me to this place. If I didn’t start writing my memoir, I would have never taken the time to remember the love I had – have – for him. Right now, I am all he has and it’s my responsibility to make sure he has a place to call home when he’s released. It’s a lot of responsibility, but I wanted it. I asked for it. I took it.

Manifesting a successful book is with him in mind, of course. However, capitalizing off my story by helping others identify with their sexuality and heal from any trauma they may have experienced is the success I wish for. Yes, I want financial support and security in living with him to come of it, too. I want to see more books come from this experience of publishing my memoir. I will publish more books. I will keep motivating people to heal from their trauma. It’s essential to a happier, healthier life.

I am meeting my goals. I am producing my dreams. I am achieving my health. I’m trusting the process and not thinking or worrying about finances right now. That will come. I have to trust in that. I have to trust the process I am going through because that’s how manifesting works. I leap and trust The Universe, or God Himself, will guide me. I won’t fail this time. Success is mine. Success is ours. My book is going to sale. I am a successful author. I am a healer. I am his Queen. I am.

I’m angry, not destructive …

Anger management is a challenge.

I tell myself, “Take a deep breath.”

I do it.

Nope, I’m still angry.

I take another deep breath.

“Through your nose, out your mouth.”

Nope, now I’m angrier than before.

I can’t calm my anger with deep breathing.

I feel my heart start to race.

I feel my breathing become more like asthma.

I close my eyes.

I envision I’m punching something.

Pain. Adrenaline. Deep breathe.

I do not punch a wall.

I pinch myself.

Pain. Not enough.

I tell myself, “Manage your anger.”

I can’t.

I’m too angry to manage it.

Managing it makes me angry.

Breathing makes me angry.

“Fuck! There’s the anxiety.”

Heart rate continues to go up and deep breathing isn’t helping.

Here come the negative thoughts.

It’s been over an hour and I’m still angry.

Why can’t I calm my anger?

Why am I still angry?

Then it happens.

I cry.

Uncontrollable, hyperventilating tears fall down my cheeks.

Unhappiness, frustration, and the feeling of failure are all too familiar struggles. When it all comes boiling down to one particular moment, I get angry. I can get so angry that I refuse to identify the real, underlining issue, which makes me even angrier. I used to be a cutter because of this uncontrollable sense of anger that flows through me.

So passionate.

So much passion I can’t contain.

I cry harder.

I pinch harder.

I’m still angry.

I can’t breath.

My head hurts.

My eyes hurt.

Pain. Release. Calm.

Nothing is helping.

I’m tired.

I can’t do it anymore.

The anger has won for now.

I cry.

I pinch myself.

I will not cut.

I am angry.

I will not punch a wall.

I am angry.

I admit my anger has gotten the best of me.

I accept it.

I will overcome it soon.

I am angry.

I am not destructive.

Revisiting my past is building my future

          The topic of discussion is depression, fear, struggles of falling in love, revisiting the past, and the hardships of keeping ones shit together when it seems their entire life is falling apart. My discussion is, of course, centered on my recent life events; I say recent, indicating the last two years, really. I’m going to start this discussion with my detoxification of my uterus. There isn’t a fiber of my being that wasn’t affected by that experience. My body has obviously changed. My mind is not the same. My spirit has taken on a new course of responsibility. I am not the same person I was when I started the process in 2013. I never expected the shit to happen the way it has, and I’m beyond grateful for how it’s all happened. I now have a working reproductive system, and I did it by myself. I didn’t go to any doctors, and I sure as hell didn’t have any procedures that would allow objects to scrap the inside of my body. Nope! I prayed. I meditated. I soaked in the light of the full moon. I spoke to my ancestors. I reached out beyond this realm, and I found more than I was asking for.

          With the steps taken during this time, I internalized. I didn’t share my experience with anyone except for two people. One is no longer a part of my life; he’s missed greatly. The other one is still very prominent in my life, and I appreciate her more than words can express. I was extremely depressed during this time in my life, and I struggled with a lot of loss. So-called friends distanced themselves from me, too. Not only was I alone, I felt lonely and abandoned. Coming to terms with the loss of my unborn child from 15 years prior, I found a sense of peace within myself. I wasn’t lonely any longer. This uterus cleanse that I did to myself was brutal; I’ve explained this before. Like I said, it wasn’t only physical. This was an entire make over of every aspect of my being. I tapped into my higher self and my lower self. I spoke to my unborn child. I spoke to my previous lives. I identified with my purpose. I knew I was destined to be a mother.

          After I gathered the broken pieces of my life, I started feeling better about myself because I had identified with my past sorrows that were keeping me down. My detox cleared out some major cobwebs of my soul. I started exercising. I picked up yoga again. I found a comfort in being alone. Then, I started planning my trip to Haiti. Being out there continued to shape my thought process; my thoughts changed again. My aspirations grew stronger. I witnessed things I still cannot explain. I honestly believe something from my experiences in Haiti filled the void within my soul that was from the loss of my child. I misread some signs too. Messages that came to me were mixed with a different reality. I made mistakes. I have forgiven myself for those mistakes, of course. And the love that blossomed will forever be a part of me and those involved. Coming home from Haiti and remembering all that I went through that year with my detox, I found myself revisiting my past. I started writing my memoirs.

          This choice, based on my decision making process to take this class my senior year, was the starting point of my entire future. I had spent many years running away from a part of my past that I didn’t want to identify with. I didn’t want my new friends to know about it. But, when I started writing about it, that all changed. With my newfound strength of being alone, and the courage I found within myself from traveling to Haiti, I fell in love. I feel deeply in love. I visited the depth of my soul. I found a lot down there, too. During that journey of deep Jo diving, however, I found something I had forgotten about. Digging down into the depths of my past, I remembered why I was running away. It was a painful thing to identify, and I’m still working on healing from that pain. This was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn, but I learned it, for sure. Love will do that to ya. Upon opening the floodgates of lost love and broken promises, I found myself nearly broken once again.

          More friends distanced themselves because I was being a complete bitch; I was keeping so much internalized again. I still didn’t want to share my past with anyone; it hurt too much. During this time, a little pixie and her son visited me; they kept me alive. They kept me motivated and allowed my inner child to play freely. I didn’t want to be an adult, so I wasn’t. I let myself go completely. I was spiraling down further than any depth I had reached during depression. I kept highly intoxicated so I wouldn’t deal with the pain. I covered it up. Then I realized I had used all my rent money on weed and alcohol; I couldn’t afford to live in that place any longer, and not just financially, but life in general. I am sure I would have taken my own life if I stayed there. I am sure of it. The depression and negativity I was living with would have taken its toll on me; so, I left.

          I didn’t know what I was doing, where I was going, or how I was going to get there. All I knew was that I needed to go. I picked Colorado as my destination, and I made it. And, of course, the depression, past sorrows, and newfound strength all followed me, too. The things I identified with during my detox, trip to Haiti, falling in love, and writing my memoirs has all followed me here. Right now, this very moment, I can still feel the warmth of these experiences. I know my higher being, God Himself, is guiding me on my path. It was my decision to leave a home I loved that has brought me to this place I am at right now; I am homeless. I am struggling. I am scared. I am blessed, honored, and madly in love again. Home is where the heart is, right? Well, my heart is locked up for two more years. The difficult transition I’m in will only bring more warmth and light, I’m sure of it. Digging to the depth of my soul has reminded me of who I am, and I will not hide from that person any longer. I refuse.

          I am not living in my past, not at all, but it is my past that is building my future. I need to remind myself what I’ve done, where I’m from, and why I am who I am. I’ve come a long way since that dirty warehouse worker who got involved in many sexual acts. Even though I can still recall the smell of oil, propane, and wet boxes, I need to identify with where I am today. Even though I can still taste the passionate release of my clients, I need to identify with who I am today. It’s hard though. I struggle with it because I have hidden that part of my past from everyone I ever encountered. It’s not that I’m afraid of judgment, no. What I’m afraid of is expressing my enjoyment. I’m afraid if I express how much I miss my clients, how much I miss giving blow jobs, and how much I want to experience it all again … I’m afraid I’ll go back into the business.

          There is an opportunity that is knocking at my door, and I want it more than anything I have ever wanted in my life. It’s a revisit of my past, of course. It’s a door reopened. It’s an opportunity for me to learn new skills and make a lot of money. I need to recognize that I am not reliving my past. I need to realize that my choices now are based on knowledge of self, knowledge of other, and knowledge of how society works. As a college graduate, who studied anthropology, I am sure to follow this dream and not make the same mistakes I made before. It’s terrifying though. The fear is what’s making me do it. I swear, if it wasn’t for the fact that I am scared out of my mind right now, I wouldn’t be following this hidden dream. I wouldn’t be playing with the hidden gem I found while I dug to the depths of my soul. If it wasn’t for this fear, I wouldn’t be alive. I wouldn’t have the opportunity to do God’s work. I wouldn’t be writing this blog, right now …

A Righteous Path of Faith, Self Reflection and Homelessness

What does one do when they realize they might have fucked up? Laugh! I find myself laughing! I catch myself dancing. I still pray often; in fact, I started reading the bible for the first time ever. I am always writing. And, I tell myself that “This too shall pass.”

Did I fuck up though? Am I a fuck up? That self-dialog does tend to come sneaking in when I’m feeling lost. You see, depression is no joke, and when one is homeless, sleeping in their car or crashing on the couches of strangers, one must ask … What went wrong? Where did I mess up? How did I get here? Then, the anxiety sneaks in and breathing become so difficult. Breathing is hard. Oh the sting and fear of suicide is still there. Those thoughts will always be there. But I’m stronger than that.

I am stronger than that, indeed!

My ego and pride are out the window at this point. My weakness is my strength. To admit that the situation I am in is absolutely from my own choices. I blame nobody but myself. Yeah, I did this. To admit that says a lot. I don’t blame the system. I don’t blame the choices of other people. I don’t blame the trauma from my childhood. I don’t blame any of it. Actually, I don’t even blame myself I guess.

This is my life right now. I just graduated less than a year ago and I’m officially homeless. It’s strange. I have a car – which has radiator problems, of course (lol) – but I have a car. I have food. I have clothes on my back. And I have a new friend’s roof over my head for now. That little girl within myself that I’ve been tending to over the years is safe. The strong woman I have become is responsible for only myself. I do not have children (yet), and I have the loving support of a strong man behind me.

I’m scared though. I know I won’t be able to live this way for long. Not having a safe place to rest my head on a regular basis will take its toll on my life and spiritual strength. I am still weak. I am still afraid. I am confused. I am loved, supported, and respected by my peers. The Universe has brought me to this place and I have accepted it fully. When I’m in my moment, I feel a sense of calm. Even with the anxiety attacks from sleeping in my backseat when it’s 12 degrees outside, there’s a sense of love and light.

Homelessness is not a choice. I have two jobs. I’m working on many things but I have very little cash. I’m in debt, I have no credit, and home is far far away. It’s up to me now to get myself out of this situation I’ve put myself into. I know this. Nobody is going to bail me out this time. My tight support group has become smaller and smaller as time goes on, and right now I question those who once considered themselves loyal friends. It’s strange that I have revisited an old love from 10+ years ago, which has brought me to a place I never thought possible.

My next step will need to be thought out and strategically planned because the next journey I set forth for myself will also be his path, too. Yes, I’m in love. That’s what’s getting me through this homeless situation I am in. It’s where the laughs come from. His love has brought dancing back into my daily life. I have found God because of this man, and there’s nothing that can happen in my life that will break me down. The love we have built and revisited has given me the strength and encouragement that I need to further this path of righteousness of self reflection, homelessness, and faith.

We are doing God’s work.
We are students of His.
We will continue to work with the love and light we have together, even when I’m homeless and he’s … well, he’s stuck right now.
My guardians and spirit guides are telling me stay put and focus on myself for awhile; so that’s what I’m doing…

Oh, and I’m still writing about that Bay Area Harlot I once was ❤ Publications soon, y’all!

It’s time for … a quickie, of course

Sexual passions

Do you know it? Do you know that release of pure enjoyment and ecstasy? I only ask because that’s what I thrive on – well, that’s what I used to thrive on, at least.

For many years I focused on that passionate release, and now it’s taken me to a road of writing and encouragement. I always said, “I’ll never move back to the Bay Area,” And here I am planning my life to further my dream of living there again. Nothing is concrete, but I cannot explain to you how my memoirs have pushed me through into an entirely different – but oh so perfect – direction in life.

After graduation, I was pissed off with everything because the system is so corrupt. I didn’t want to be part of it. I still don’t. I’m talkin’ rEVOLution. I’m talkin’ commUNITY. I’m talkin’ pure light and love, y’all. Unconditional love, compassion, and the ability to talk through our struggles. I’m talkin’ prison outreach. I’m talkin’ motivational speaking. I’m talkin’ youth mentorship. I’m talkin’ LIVING THE DREAM!!! We all have a dream, right? I’m now working on accomplishing the goals and dreams I have set forth. And, by the looks of things, there’s a kingdom waiting for Us…

Dream big, please!

Take a step forward, please.

Forget about the fear, please!

I promise you … moving forward to accomplish a dream is the best thing in the world. I encourage all of you to start living your dreams because it’s about time we start living in a place of light and love … Many blessings, y’all!

More will come, of course. I just wanted to let y’all know that I haven’t gone anywhere. My book is in it’s last stages of edit and this Bay Area Harlot will tell her freaky tale … Much love!

Finding Peace In Chaos

Today’s theme has been “Find Peace within Chaos.” I had quite a few conversations today that reminded me to stay grounded while experiencing a situation that wasn’t completely pleasant. I noticed that I joke around a lot when things get awkward or difficult. I try to lighten the situation with a joke. Not sure if it’s a good idea, all the time at least. Today, I was reminded of my past relationships with two individuals while I worked at the warehouse. It’s interesting because my experience at the warehouse has not been something I’ve shared yet. 

Quickly, I will just tell you that I worked at this place for many years. I was in charge of the entire warehouse(s) inventory. At one point, we had three warehouses with over 2,000 products in each of them – that’s not including all the refurbished products we stored outside. Well, let’s just say … I ran that place. I played my co-workers every chance I got. In the end, however, I was the one who paid for all that I did. It got UGLY at the end. But it wasn’t always ugly. I enjoyed my time there. Even though I was doing some real stupid and crazy things during that time, the work experience taught me a lot about my work ethics and how I like and don’t like certain working environments. Even though I didn’t see it at the time, the experience at the warehouse taught me how to adapt to a situation. Today, while I was in a situation with someone who matched my previous co-worker’s position, I thought about how I handle the situation before and how I should handle it differently now. So, I did! I enjoy this outcome much more than the previous outcome. It was neat! Reflecting on that moment now, I see it as a lesson learned – a skill that not many people have adapted.

When things get difficult, many people – even me – will react with emotion instead of logic or mindfulness. Emotions will present themselves all the time. Many times people react quickly to the first emotion that hits them. Usually, for me, it was rebuttal and the attitude of “no, I’m right.” I started doing that today. I stopped myself though because I thought back to when I used to do it before. It didn’t work very well for me because I would always, eventually, get emotional and stop talking to the person. Now, however, I noticed I was REPEATING MY MISTAKE and I was able to stop it (I tagged that blog in reference to the beach parking lot situation and how I was able to find the courage within myself and do something different). I switched my response to today’s conversation and it changed the outcome – imagine that!!!

I’ve always mentioned how important mindfulness is so I’m not going to talk much about that. However, understanding my idea of MINDFULNESS will help you with the rest of this blog. Not only is being mindful of yourself and your surroundings important, it’s essential to finding peace within a chaotic situation. If something goes wrong, how would you handle the situation? Let’s take it to the extreme. If there was a shooting at your work or in your school or next door, what would you do? Yeah, it’ll be scary. Yeah, call the cops. Yeah, make sure you’re is safe. Then what? How would the fear settle in? How would confusion, concern and intrigue set in? What would happen when you started asking yourself, “What’s going on.” It won’t take long, really. It’ll even take quicker if there are other people around who are screaming or crying. Our minds process things very quickly. Our emotional state of mind will determine our actions. If we’re mindful during a situation like this, we’ll make choices with logic and emotion; not just emotion. Our choices will be thoughtful and not selfish. This is some pretty intense stuff, right? I mean, I took it to the extreme. I took it to a situation that is terrifying. Who knows how we’ll handle the situation. I don’t know. But these are questions I’ve been asking myself. If I can look at my situation from the warehouse and my situation today and change my reaction – that’s mindfulness. That’s actively changing my thoughts and trying something new. That’s finding peace within chaos! That’s amazing to me!

I share this story because I think it’s important to remember that our thoughts will become our actions. If we can think about past choices and change the way we interact with similar situations, we can change the outcome of said situation. So, hey, be mindful and find peace within a chaotic situation. Find peace within yourself. Find peace within your thoughts. Find peace in your past. Chaos is everywhere. Things are crazy – and getting crazier by the day. We have to learn how to stay mindful and find peace within our lives if we are to survive the struggles in our future.

Blessed Be, Readers!

Image,

PICTURE IS LINKED!

Quickie

As I wake from my peaceful slumber, I am graciously reminded that forgiveness is not for the anyone but ones self! I have forgiven much from my past. It isn’t for anyone else, but me. I seek peace, love, and beauty in my life! The people who I allow in my inner circle will also help with having those things in my life.

This detox has taught me many things … Lets analyze this quickly

Physical … I’m in control of my body. I choose what to eat, when to eat and how to eat. I choose to eat healthier things and stay active (as active as possible) … … My body is damaged and needs to be healed. I’m the only person to do that! So, I’m doing it!

Emotional … Now, this is a biggie! It is okay to cry! I have a problem with allowing people to see me cry, but that’s not fair to me to have that discomfort. Honestly, crying in front of people opened an entire new POV … … I now know I need to find some kind of anger management. When I feel the need to get angry, I have to allow it to flow through me. I suppress my anger because I’m afraid of what I will do with it. Not anymore! My anger is there for a reason and I need to tap into it every so often so I don’t explode … … There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not passionate about something. I’m a powerful, forceful and sometimes too much for people. It’s who I am. There’s nothing I can do about that except find balance within my own emotional state of mind and reality! Working on it …

Spiritual … Now, here’s another buggy! I do not need to add people to my ritual. That is too important to me to share with anyone right now. I cannot … I will not … Practice with someone for awhile. I need to stay solitary and find a routine and practice of my own. No more sharing!

Mindfulness … My inner core is healing; I am nursing it. My spirit is awake; I am making it breakfast. My body is speaking; I am listening. My thoughts are random; I laugh at them … … … I am in control of my thoughts. Thoughts become ideas. Ideas become conversation. Conversation becomes action. Action is life! So, in order for me to live the best life I can, I need to have different thoughts. I am mindful or a lot!

There’s more, of course. This was only a quickie. Today I start the beginning of my future. All from my past doesn’t matter. I do not need to dig any deeper. I dug. I found most of what I was looking for. I was dirty with dirt from yesteryear. I’m now clean with the soap of my future! It feels different to think about things from my past. No more hate. No more bitterness. I’ve forgiven those who have caused me pain… Not because they deserve it, but because I deserve it!

I’m good with that 😉

I’m working on a powerful message … Stay tuned, for more will reveal itself!

Many bright blessings, readers!

Go for it

As I rest from a busy day sewing my new patch-work skirt I’m making from five other random skirts I had that I loved but couldn’t wear them because they were torn and stained, I’m thinking about my past present and future. I’m thinking about how the past is something that’s happened and there is nothing we can do about any of it, so we should accept it, right? I’m thinking that all the things from my past brought me to this exact moment in my life and I can honestly say that I have accepted my past. I’m thinking since I have finally accepted my past and I’m blessed in the present, what exactly will my future bare? What’s next? I’ve learned to love myself and others, even if I never get an apology. I’ve learned how to love my neighbor. I have learned how to plant a tree and upkeep a decent garden. I’ve experienced loss of a loved one. I know the pain of betrayal and heartache. But none of it affects me anymore. They’re just things that have happened. Good and bad. It’s all me. I’m very happy with me, so I must be okey with my past. It’s strange, really. I am still trying to understand it myself. Even though I’m hurting, have been hurt and will get hurt again, I’m looking forward to it. Right now, I’m still mourning and shedding some hurt, so I’m still working through this particular pain release, but I’m still grateful, hopeful and I’m still excited about my future. I have set some things in motion that will most likely be things that will last long term in my life. I’m talking 10 year goals have been set into motion this year! Five year goals have been established, researched and brainstormed. Action will come soon. I am doing exactly what I did when I had my nervousness breakdown in 2006/2007 … That’s five/six years ago… I’ve accomplished most of the dreams I set forth then. I have to make new goals and dream new dreams! That’s what I’ve been doing. And I am so excited about my future. I am so excited to see how the next 5 months will mold me into the woman I will be in 10 years. DUDE! That’s insane, right?!? My first test is this weekend. No! No! No! My first test was a couple of months ago when I was with a wonderful man. I succeeded at that test. This weekend marks the second test. If I succeed at the level I did on my first test. There will be no stopping me! I am so excited I could hardly contain myself. But I still have a couple of days that I need to pay attention to. I have to be in the moment … Not the future! I need to remind myself that it doesn’t matter how excited I am about my next test, I need to have conversations and events with a couple of people without my excited getting in the way! BE IN THE MOMENT!

So, the point of this blog is to encourage you, the reader, to go for your dream! Set goals and do all you can to accomplish those goals. It really does make you feel good about life. Just go for it! Take a leap. It doesn’t matter how big or how small it is, but move forward. Ask yourself if you’re happy nothing has changed for the last three years. Are you the same, habit forming, person you were three years ago? If you are, you have grown very much as a person. Go for it! What’s stopping you? Really … What’s really stopping you? All I’m saying is go out and accomplish something. Accomplishments make us feel better because we’ve worked and succeeded. It’s really empowering, really. Try it. Go for it. The important thing to remember is this … If you “fail” at your goal don’t you dare give up. Brush yourself off and try again. Figure out what got in the Wayne you accomplishing your gaol. When you figure that out, don’t let it stop you this time. I have faith you can do it. Whatever it is!

Set a goal
Research said goal
Act on goal
Reap benefits

*blessed be*

Holding onto The Hurt for Too Long ~ Letting Go ~ Releasing The Pain

This blog will be a free write. You’re warned! I’m probably not going to hold back much. I might over share, but please visit the FIRST THREE paragraphs of my previous blog. They apply here! ~ Here I go  ~

Fifteen years later and I’m finally mourning the death of my unborn child. I finally came to terms with that situation and forgave a man I will probably never receive an apology from. That’s growth, isn’t it? How many of you can say you’ve forgiven your high school sweetheart for breaking your heart? Did you ever receive an apology for the way he or she treated you? I didn’t think so. Further, have you ever taken the time to acknowledge the pain you experienced because of such an event? Not many people have, really. Now, I’m not judging whatsoever; I’m admitting that I’ve been there; I’m admitting I’m there now.

I cannot even begin to tell you how fucked I was during my DETOX. It wasn’t the FOOD detox. It wasn’t the smoking detox, either. It was the SHEDDING of my clogged uterus that caused a complete and utter melt down. It’s been about two weeks since I experienced this melt down and I’m still angry when I revisit the emotions, pain and confusion of the entire situation. It was horrible, really. But, I need to get this out and I cannot keep putting it aside. I have tried over and over to find things to keep me occupied, but I cannot do it any longer.

So, there I was, forcing bleeding. The pain I experienced and the amount of blood I discharged reminded me of when I had a miscarriage, my junior year in high school. I was almost 4 months pregnant when I lost it. The father, a boy I met the winter break before the first year of high school, was the love of my life. We had a typical high school relationship and typical high school drama. Well, when I told him I had miscarried our baby, I think I choose the wrong time and place to tell him. In the middle of class is probably not the best time to tell your boyfriend you had a miscarriage. Okay, lessoned learned, I won’t do that again. Well, when I told him, he said, “I don’t care! It’s probably not mine anyways.” Ouch, right?! I flipped out on him and … long story short … we fought. It was so bad, we were pushed into the hallway, where I charged him and he caught me in a headlock. The first thing that came to mind was to bite; so I did. Ouch! I took a chunk of skin out of the left side of that man’s waist.

I never mourned the loss of my child with him – until now. I never thought about it much after that. My relationship with him changed, of course. We fought all the time. We didn’t spend much time together either. It was probably 8 months later when I finally talked to him again after that fight. He wasn’t around much during my senior year. He only started coming around again when the car hit me. Well, he eventually left me for good and I have held so much anger and hatred toward him this entire time. The heartache of losing my child and then losing him for good was so much that I didn’t know how to deal with it. I still don’t know how to deal with it. I’m seriously having a hard time writing this blog.

All I really know is that I’ve forgiven him, finally, for leaving me. I understand why he did. It was too difficult. Instead of fighting with me, because that’s all we really did, he left. How can I be mad at that still? Yeah, writing that made me smile. Acknowledging that I’ve forgiven him makes me lighter. I honestly feel I’ve released something that’s been bottled up for over 15 years. I’m making room for positive, more brighter things. Forgiving him gave me so much peace. I will probably never get an apology from him, and that’s okay. You have no idea how amazing that is for me. I’ve told myself for many years that I would never forgive him. I promised myself to never forgive him because he didn’t deserve that. But really? Why would I want something that powerful to take so much of my energy? I need to use that energy for something loving. Instead of hating him and wishing him nothing but ill things, I’ve decided to love him and respect him. He deserves that.

Yeah! So, I’ve forgiven someone who hurt me. To do that, I had to relive the hurt. I had to figure out why I was so hurt. I had to remember my miscarriage. I had to recall the feeling of his flesh between my teeth – EW, right?! – I have not worked through any of this yet, however. Okay, I’ve mourned the death of my unborn child. I’ve called out his name, Dravin Allen H&#(@N, with love and care. I apologized to him (or her) for not giving him the opportunity to be my child. However, I also admitted that I was grateful it never happened. I’d have a 15 year old. I probably wouldn’t be living in my beautiful home. I would probably still be in the shit hole town I grew up in, seeing the same people from high school. Not quite the life I wanted to live. I’m happy not to have a 15 year old. I’m happy the father and I aren’t together, living in a small broken down apartment somewhere fighting all the time and struggling to buy diapers for our other children. Doesn’t sound fun or pleasing. I’m good with not having a child right now.

What I need to work on next is the abandonment and betrayal feelings that came along with these events. To top it off, I also have to deal with abandonment and betrayal issues in my life right now, not just in my past. I’m fighting the urge to throw up my walls and block people out of my life again. I’m not though! I also need to work on forgiving myself for biting him. I have to work on my anger and anxiety problems. I cannot allow myself to get so angry anymore. I need to notice when I’m getting that stressed out before it gets to that point. When I notice it, I need to have the courage to call out to someone. I need to call out to someone before it gets to the point that I’m punching walls. I shouldn’t be punching walls anymore. I need to find a way to let go of my anxieties and fears. I’ve stopped smoking, so that’s good, but it was my go to when I was anxious about something. I can’t do that anymore – I won’t do that anymore.

Having to find new, healthier habits is a hard thing to do. I want to start doing things with my hands. I’ve never built or created things with my hands. I just don’t know what I’m going to enjoy enough to pick up. I’ve started a patch work skirt project, so we’ll see how far this goes. I want to learn how to play an instrument, too. Maybe the guitar? How about the flute? OH! Drums, yeah! But these things won’t help when I’m at school, work, or in Haiti. So, I’m brainstorming some ideas – if you have any suggestions – please share them with me, thanks!

 

PHEW!

 

That’s a lot, I know! It’s fulfilling for me to share all of that with you, the reader. I may not know you and we may never talk, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have shared one of the most heartbreaking stories with complete strangers who have somewhat become my family. You’ve learned so much about me throughout these blogs that I can’t help but feel some kind of connection with you. I’ve read some of your blogs too. I appreciate that connection. Even for the reader who knows me and has talked to me personally – maybe even more then talking, I appreciate you too. I encourage you, the reader, to reflect on your heartaches. Forgive those who you’ll never receive an apology from. Mourn the loss of all those people who have died. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to release it. It’s okay to admit it. It won’t be easy and it will take a long time to get through some of it, but believe me, it’s so worth it. I feel better right this second then I did when I went skinning dipping and FOUND my pagan path. The release of such heartbreaking things has given me more strength that I know what to do with. Yeah, of course I’m still scared and fearful of many things, but I feel now that I’ve let go of so much, I have the opportunity to fill it up with something different.

You can do it too! I honestly believe the more we admit we have been heartbroken, the more we can love and be loved in the future. That’s really all we want, right? We just want to be loved. We want to love too. But, if we don’t love ourselves first, we cannot love others or allow others to truly love us. We need to accept the events in our past and be as okay as we can be with them. Of course, some major events might never be okay. Sometimes the pain is too deep and the conscious mind cannot filter through it. Therefore, that’s when dreams and meditation come in handy. The last three weeks, I have done so much meditation because there was no way to safely go through the heartache of my miscarriage. Now, I will focus on other pains and meditate on getting better.

I am still heartbroken. I am still angry. I am still sad. I’ve been telling myself for the past four days that I am on the happy side of the crappy realm. I’m walking aimlessly through life right now, just floating around, over thinking everything and somewhat enjoying it. I know myself well enough to know that I have about another week of this and I will begin to heal. By the time I write my next blog, I’ll probably be on the crappy side of the happy realm. Little by little, things will get easier.

*Many Bright, Beautiful Blessings

Addictions

Habits are something we all have. There can be good and bad habits. There can be unhealthy and healthy habits. There can be those habits that we keep secret or habits we share with others. Regardless of whatever habit it may be, sometimes it has to change. Change is inevitable, but, as humans, we don’t like change. We tend to practice lifestyles that have routine and comfort. How are we supposed to have a healthier and more productive lifestyle if we don’t change our habits? How are we supposed to accomplish the things we want to accomplish out of life if things never change?

With this detox, I am taking charge of my life. I am taking the responsibility upon myself to know what my body needs to be healthy and strong. This blog entry will explain my habits and addictions. I will brainstorm some ideas to change my lifestyle because the life I am living now is not suitable for the future I have planned. I feel my mind and spirit are ready to fly, but my body is keeping me from doing it. I feel as if my body is hindering me. I have already taken it upon myself to get more exercise. I ride my bike nearly everyday and I travel 3-7 miles a day. It may not seem like a lot, but for me it is. I don’t want to over do it, nor do I want to under do it. I have to take it slow, but I am enjoying it. I think I’m addicted to it, as a matter of fact. I feel a sense of freedom when I’m on my bike. So, that is already in action. It is one lifestyle change I have done already, and things will continue to change as the following months come my way.

Other habits and addictions I have, however, are not so healthy. I’m a smoker. I started smoking cigarettes at the age of 12. My mom would buy my boyfriend and I cigarettes all the time. Even though my mother wasn’t a smoker, she still bought me smokes. At one point, I was smoking two packs a day. It was horrible. Eventually, I stopped smoking for a little over a year. When my aunt got sick, I was so stressed out I started smoking again. I didn’t have anything else to fall back on. It was my comfort. Smoking comforted me when I was sad and stressed out. I have been smoking ever since then and even though I’ve gone a few days here and there, I always went back to smoking. I hate it! I hate that I am addicted to something that is so unhealthy for me. I hate the smell, the taste and spending the money. I even watched my grandmother die of lung cancer from smoking so much, and I still smoke. That’s not cool! Part of this detox will focus around my smoking. I will quit cold turkey like I’ve always done. I have faith it will work this time because I finally realize that I have the opportunity to do something else when I am stressed out. I don’t have to buy a pack of smokes to be calm. I don’t have to smoke to be calm. What will I do? I’m not sure yet. My routines have to change, that’s for sure. My morning routine has been drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes for more than a year now and it needs to change. What am I going to replace it with? What lifestyle change will I learn? Do I need to not drink coffee for a while too? Yes! If I continued to drink coffee like I have been every morning, I will want a cigarette. They go hand in hand for me. That needs to change.

One idea I have is to simply stay in bed a little longer in the mornings. It takes me about an hour to fully wake up, and I don’t believe I need coffee for that process. Maybe I will do some yoga, yard work, or even meditate. I can start my morning routine with exercise, nature and mindfulness. I think what I’m going to do is make a book of affirmations that I read every morning. As soon as I wake up and I can see clearly, I will pick up the book and read a passage that will remind me of what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. Yeah! I like that! (I seriously just came up with that idea right now =) I am in control of my own life and it is my responsibility to make my body healthy.

Comfort food is another addiction I have to change. When depression or stress gets the best of me, I turn to junk food – like many people do. I will eat so much garbage that it makes me sick. I remember, back in high school, I was so depressed that I ate an entire bowl of brownie mix. Yeah, I didn’t even bake the brownies because I sat there and ate the entire bowl of mix. I was sick afterwards. Now, however, I won’t eat brownie or cake mix at all. Even the taste of it makes me ill. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t eat other junk food. Nutter Butters, cookies, cooked brownies, ice cream and whatever else I can get my hands on at the time is what I eat when I’m depressed or stressed out. Like smoking, it brings me comfort. What am I going to replace that with? I think this is going to be most difficult for me. Like my coffee and cigarettes routine in the morning, my evening routine is junk food. It may not be every single night, but at least 5 days a week I will eat junk food in the middle of the night before I go to sleep. There’s been a few times where I kept junk food on my bedside table so it was there when I craved it. That’s ridiculous! I can’t do that anymore! I won’t do that anymore! But I still don’t know what I’m going to replace it with. What habits can I learn for my evening routines? Maybe I should ask myself why I eat junk food in the evenings. I wasn’t denied junk food when I was kid. Hey, maybe that’s why! Junk food was always in the house when I was growing up. My mom always had a drawer of it. We would make cake, brownies or cookies at least 3 or 4 times a week. We always had Rolo’s. The fact I still eat junk food could simply be childhood teachings. I’m an adult now and I am the one who buys my food. I don’t have to continue buying garbage that’s unhealthy for my body.

Let me make a clarification here. I’m not saying I will never eat junk food again. What I’m saying is that I will not binge. I believe I have an eating disorder. I don’t purge, but I do binge. I will eat large meals, stuff my face with junk food – all in secrecy. When I go out with friends or something, I won’t eat a lot. I’ll get a chicken sandwich or something simple. But when I’m alone, I’ll eat like crazy. This is the first time I’ve admitted this too. It’s the secret binges I need to change. If there’s a birthday party or something, I’m not going to pass up a slice of cake to celebrate with people. If I’m at a party, I’ll have some snacks. What I need to do, however, if change my intake when I’m alone. I always tell myself, “Nobody’s here, so nobody can judge me.” But that doesn’t justify it at all. I know that, logically. Sometimes it seems my body will be out of bed, walking down the hallway, opening a package of Nutter Butters and eating them before my mind says, “stop eating that!” What I need to do is change my thoughts. I need to empower my mind and take control of my body. Mind over matter, right? If I am mindful, I can succeed. NO NO!! Not if! I will be mindful and I will succeed!

The juice fast and detox I’m doing is very strict. Even though I will switch it up a bit and eat solids, I will not be eating anything that isn’t part of my goal plan. Fruits, veggies (both raw and cooked), and fish are the only things I will be eating. I will also be eating peanuts (raw and peanut butter). That’s it! Most likely, I will get vitamins too because I know it’s important for me to have them. With my food intake now, I’m not getting the right nutrition’s, I know this. It’s time that it changes. If I want to live the life I want to live when I’m in my 50s, I have to change my lifestyle now. A few years ago, I decided to completely cut out sodas, and I have. Sometimes I will get a Pepsi in a glass jar (because it is made with real sugar, not corn syrup), but I don’t drink soda anymore. I don’t know if I’ve benefited from it, but I do know I will benefit from it in the long run. I won’t get diabetes. It blows my mind when people say, “I’m a diabetic” but will drink an entire 2-liter of soda. Well! DUH! No wonder why you have diabetes! You’re drinking it. I’m not judging at all. All I’m saying is that I’m aware what causes diabetes. Our food and liquid intake is what causes it. So if we don’t want to be sick with diabetes, change the intake of food. Instead of taking pills, change the food intake. That’s what I’m doing now!

I have addictions and bad habits that need to change. I am the only one who can change it. I have to change my mind. I have to change my lifestyle. I have to change the way I practice morning and evening routines. I need to learn an entire new lifestyle. I don’t agree that I’m going on a diet because diets are usually short term. What I’m doing is life changing. It’s a lifestyle choice. It’s my lifestyle choice. It may not be for everybody and my way of doing it isn’t beneficial for others, I know that. I will never tell someone that they’re living life wrong. What I will do, however, is encourage people to live a healthy life. The only way we can live healthy lives is by taking control of our lives. We have to stay mindful of our surroundings, our food intake, and even where our food comes from. We have to understand what the body needs to be healthy. Every one of us is different and we need different things to be healthy. Yes, we all need certain nutritional foods, but some people are allergic to certain foods. Some people can’t eat fish. Some are allergic to peanuts. Those people need to find other ways to get the nutrition they need.

To the reader, yes you! Take a moment to reflect on your food and liquid intake. Are you like me and have addictions that may not be the healthiest thing to eat or drink? Do you have the same thoughts of “why am I eating this” as I do? What can you do to live a healthier life? What can you do to change your lifestyle? Is there one specific food you feel you can’t live without? What would happen if you stopped eating that food? I’ve asked myself all of these questions and it’s difficult to really answer them, isn’t it?! It’s not a simple thing to do, that’s for sure. But seriously, we have to start taking control of our lives. We have to stop depending on large corporations that produce genetically modified foods. We have to start buying local and supporting the farmer markets. It may be more expensive to buy the healthier foods, but in the end, it will be cheaper because we won’t be paying for hospital visits and medication to mask the internal damage we’re doing to our bodies. Honestly, I feel I am going through this process to teach others that it is possible and it’s a beautiful experience. Yes, I have no doubt it is going to be a pain in the ass (literally and figurative), but nonetheless, I am going to be a different person when I’m finished. Come to think about it, I’ll never really be finished. Like I’ve said, this is going to be a lifestyle change. Whatever I establish within the next few months is going to stick with me throughout the rest of my life. I will reap the benefits of this lifestyle change 10 years down the road … Shit, maybe 3 years down the road I’ll feel the difference. I have faith that you can do it too. It will be hard and it will take a lot of courage and motivation to accomplish your goals, but you can do it! Start small.

People all over the world are taking it upon themselves to live healthier lives. It’s time we start sharing our experiences too because the younger generations need to know what we went through so they don’t make the same mistakes. There is so much information at our fingertips and it’s our responsibility to learn what we need to learn to live healthy and happy lives. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Teach it. Be it! *Blessings*