A Righteous Path of Faith, Self Reflection and Homelessness

What does one do when they realize they might have fucked up? Laugh! I find myself laughing! I catch myself dancing. I still pray often; in fact, I started reading the bible for the first time ever. I am always writing. And, I tell myself that “This too shall pass.”

Did I fuck up though? Am I a fuck up? That self-dialog does tend to come sneaking in when I’m feeling lost. You see, depression is no joke, and when one is homeless, sleeping in their car or crashing on the couches of strangers, one must ask … What went wrong? Where did I mess up? How did I get here? Then, the anxiety sneaks in and breathing become so difficult. Breathing is hard. Oh the sting and fear of suicide is still there. Those thoughts will always be there. But I’m stronger than that.

I am stronger than that, indeed!

My ego and pride are out the window at this point. My weakness is my strength. To admit that the situation I am in is absolutely from my own choices. I blame nobody but myself. Yeah, I did this. To admit that says a lot. I don’t blame the system. I don’t blame the choices of other people. I don’t blame the trauma from my childhood. I don’t blame any of it. Actually, I don’t even blame myself I guess.

This is my life right now. I just graduated less than a year ago and I’m officially homeless. It’s strange. I have a car – which has radiator problems, of course (lol) – but I have a car. I have food. I have clothes on my back. And I have a new friend’s roof over my head for now. That little girl within myself that I’ve been tending to over the years is safe. The strong woman I have become is responsible for only myself. I do not have children (yet), and I have the loving support of a strong man behind me.

I’m scared though. I know I won’t be able to live this way for long. Not having a safe place to rest my head on a regular basis will take its toll on my life and spiritual strength. I am still weak. I am still afraid. I am confused. I am loved, supported, and respected by my peers. The Universe has brought me to this place and I have accepted it fully. When I’m in my moment, I feel a sense of calm. Even with the anxiety attacks from sleeping in my backseat when it’s 12 degrees outside, there’s a sense of love and light.

Homelessness is not a choice. I have two jobs. I’m working on many things but I have very little cash. I’m in debt, I have no credit, and home is far far away. It’s up to me now to get myself out of this situation I’ve put myself into. I know this. Nobody is going to bail me out this time. My tight support group has become smaller and smaller as time goes on, and right now I question those who once considered themselves loyal friends. It’s strange that I have revisited an old love from 10+ years ago, which has brought me to a place I never thought possible.

My next step will need to be thought out and strategically planned because the next journey I set forth for myself will also be his path, too. Yes, I’m in love. That’s what’s getting me through this homeless situation I am in. It’s where the laughs come from. His love has brought dancing back into my daily life. I have found God because of this man, and there’s nothing that can happen in my life that will break me down. The love we have built and revisited has given me the strength and encouragement that I need to further this path of righteousness of self reflection, homelessness, and faith.

We are doing God’s work.
We are students of His.
We will continue to work with the love and light we have together, even when I’m homeless and he’s … well, he’s stuck right now.
My guardians and spirit guides are telling me stay put and focus on myself for awhile; so that’s what I’m doing…

Oh, and I’m still writing about that Bay Area Harlot I once was ❤ Publications soon, y’all!

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It’s time for … a quickie, of course

Sexual passions

Do you know it? Do you know that release of pure enjoyment and ecstasy? I only ask because that’s what I thrive on – well, that’s what I used to thrive on, at least.

For many years I focused on that passionate release, and now it’s taken me to a road of writing and encouragement. I always said, “I’ll never move back to the Bay Area,” And here I am planning my life to further my dream of living there again. Nothing is concrete, but I cannot explain to you how my memoirs have pushed me through into an entirely different – but oh so perfect – direction in life.

After graduation, I was pissed off with everything because the system is so corrupt. I didn’t want to be part of it. I still don’t. I’m talkin’ rEVOLution. I’m talkin’ commUNITY. I’m talkin’ pure light and love, y’all. Unconditional love, compassion, and the ability to talk through our struggles. I’m talkin’ prison outreach. I’m talkin’ motivational speaking. I’m talkin’ youth mentorship. I’m talkin’ LIVING THE DREAM!!! We all have a dream, right? I’m now working on accomplishing the goals and dreams I have set forth. And, by the looks of things, there’s a kingdom waiting for Us…

Dream big, please!

Take a step forward, please.

Forget about the fear, please!

I promise you … moving forward to accomplish a dream is the best thing in the world. I encourage all of you to start living your dreams because it’s about time we start living in a place of light and love … Many blessings, y’all!

More will come, of course. I just wanted to let y’all know that I haven’t gone anywhere. My book is in it’s last stages of edit and this Bay Area Harlot will tell her freaky tale … Much love!

Bay Area Born ~ Traveling Spirit

Forever representing the 925
Born and raised in the Bay Area
The product of 80s Hip Hop
Italian/Sicilian family with strong local roots
Lost in the system of America
My heritage was missing and unrecorded
Unknown during my own troubled youth
I traveled over the train tracks to Downtown
Learned the Culture of the streets
So many bloody fist fights with parental figures 

Borrowed, used, beaten, and exploited

High school sweet heart and a Miscarried Seed
Broken femur by The Red Camaro incident
Hospitalized during high school graduation
Broken heart by The Blackened Shadow
Hiding behind the pain endured
To the streets I returned
Adult Street Worker making money
Getting caught up in the remnants of 80s rap
Acted the roll and provided for the Bay Area scene
The White Privilege of my Italian skin
The Ghetto Attitude of my street personality
Provided just enough to get me places 

Borrowed, used, beaten, and exploited

Broken Spirit caused by my Split Moral
In love with a client, I had become
Promises made hold strong today
Sneaking away with their hidden truths
Secrets held within the depths of my Lovers’ embrace
Falling further and further away, I sought balance
In the southern Oregon trees I found peace
Spirit building, fresh water bathing, and snow meditations
The fluidity of my Spirit and the oils of other lifestyles didn’t mix
A newly found Traveling Spirit back to the Bay Area
No, not to the streets this time
Traveling within The System, I found an Education
Love of graphics, writing, and production
Love of leadership, community, and family
Learned perspectives of those I followed in my youth
Difficult to distinguish the Difference of Viewpoints
Struggled with double standards, “Black Cards,” and the “One Drop” rule
It was the words of Cornel West that motivated me to change roles
Adult perspectives of the role I played in the 80s Hip Hop scene 

Borrowed, used, beaten, and exploited

I returned to the trees of Oregon, further north to the Willamette Valley
Strange combination of earth, love, and social normality
No regards of Old Street Life or addictive sexual desires repeating
I found Myself buried deep in that 4-year journey
I learned forgiveness, understanding, and social requirements
Italian/Sicilian blood, Bay Area roots, and a Systematic Education
Forgotten history, misplaced childhood, and now an angry adult
In love I had fallen, to The Man on the Moon
Familiar spirits, like past lives reconnecting and breaking again
It’s another puzzle piece to the layered Leo Drama of society’s life
Ronin spirit with an external shell representing and supporting the 925
Bay Area born, street smart, physical labor, and educated through the University
Teachers from the other side of the tracks as well as the other side of the trailers
Acceptance of such things has given me ambition to go further
New journey with a strange Toolbox
I’m awaiting my turn to accomplish another Dream
Nestled somewhere in the Colorado Rockies with an unknown destination
Following my dreams has taken me on a homeless route 

Borrowed, used, beaten, and exploited

I have returned to the Earth to settle my sorrows in Her soil
I am the little White Girl who craves attention
I am the angry Teenager who hates herself
I am the easy Young Woman who fights addiction
I am the ignorant Spirit Traveler who teaches self-love
I am the arrogant Leo Queen who forces truth 

Borrowed, used, beaten, and exploited

Those five characters now wrapped by The Three-Bound Knot
Third Eye open and I’m creating Solitude and Oneness
These hands in the soil created an introduction to a New Being
The Universe has helped me create another way to live and love
Collection of all encompassing entities, past and present
My Ancestors are speaking to me, guiding me, and protecting me
Away this body, mind, heart and spirit will go
Its purpose is to continue to fly and grow

Finding inspiration, encouragment and motivation from Women who have changed their worlds

As tears flow down my face, I’m thinking about all the women before me who made a difference in the world. I’m thinking about women like Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, Eleanor Roosevelt, Maya Angelou and Malala Yousafzai. I’m thinking they are my strength to further my dreams and become the woman I’m meant to be – the woman I dream to be – the woman I know I can be – the woman who will look back at this blog post and say, “yeah, that’s me!”

It’s important to find people who inspire us. I’m a social activist (to stick a title to it) so the people I look up to are people who have changed their world in social manners. The women I idolize are women who have shown courage, passion, love and understanding for their fellow human beings. That’s something I’m capable of doing, too. I do if often. I enjoy doing it. I do it well! That’s why I look up to those women. When I first learned about each of these women – all at different times in my life, of course – I learned that their message was still ringing clear. Even though some of them have passed from this realm of living, their message is still living on.

The words of those who died are stronger now than when they spoke them because it shows that things really haven’t changed. Over the years, after their bodies have died, their words live on. That’s what keeps them alive, I think. They’re very much alive today as they were years ago. That’s amazing! I believe, now, that we need to remember the strength of our ancestors if we are to accomplish our dreams.

So, go find someone to look up to. Find someone who inspires you. Find a cause to live for. It doesn’t matter what it is. If what inspires you is science, art, music, activism, or even extreme wrestling, go for it! Find someone within the topic to which sparks an interest and follow your passions! It’s the only thing that will keep us moving toward our goal of living a pure and happy life. Learning about people who are similar to us and learning about their struggles and accomplishment gives us a sense of connectedness that cannot be broken. It gives us hope. It gives us motivation. It gives us strength and understanding.

Here are a few quotes from the women I idolize!

“I have learned over the years that when one’s mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear.” ~Rosa Parks

“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.” ~Harriet Tubman 

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face… we must do that which we think we cannot.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt 

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~Maya Angelou 

“I raise up my voice-not so I can shout but so that those without a voice can be heard…we cannot succeed when half of us are held back.” ~Malala Yousafzai

Good luck finding your inspiration and dreams! I believe you can do it. All of these women believed in you too! Happy journey!