The Moment Fear Turns to Courage

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence
by each experience in which we really
stop to look fear in the face…
we must do that which
we think we cannot.”
~Eleanor Roosevelt

One must first be scared or anxious before they are courageous. In all things I have tried to succeed at, I have been slightly terrified the entire time. The more I followed that dream I set forth, the anxiety faded, of course, but I was still nervous about whatever it was I was trying to accomplish. It started with my path of college in 2008 when I enrolled at LMC to study journalism. The entire two years I spent there was full of so much anxiety and learning self-love. I was living in my hometown, constantly looking over my shoulder and hoping I would never cross paths with an old client; and I didn’t. I submerged myself into college, and I lived each day with as much focus toward a new life. In doing so, I turned my back on the person I truly am. It’s all good though, I’ve reintroduced myself to myself again.

I believe I had to hide that warehouse worker and prostitute into a corner so I could spend more time on school and getting to know myself on a different level. When attending the university system, nobody knew about my past. Nobody knew anything about me. I hardly shared anything about my past, and it didn’t seem that anyone was interested; which, I’m grateful for. I don’t know if I would have admitted the prostitution. I’m sure I would have lied about a lot if someone wanted to know what life was like for me at the warehouse. I didn’t want anyone knowing I was a mistress to many men. I didn’t even want to admit it to myself. I hid from that woman. Really, I was more like a girl on many levels then.

Not only have I written my memoirs about that time at the warehouse, I’ve sent it to the publisher already. I’m scared. I’m scared my clients or even family will read it. I’m scared it’ll be published, printed, and sold in many book stores. I’m scared of that success. But, it’s the same feeling toward my goals of accomplishing seven years of college. My college experience gave me the skills to write my book, so it’s all synced together. The four years I spent at WOU brought so much enlightenment. Owning a home, connecting with my ancestors, and traveling to Haiti changed the way I saw life; it made me want to share my story. It made me grow. It made me want to change; so I did.

I identified with that warehouse harlot I spent so much time running away from. Not only did I recognize her, I validated her and have fallen in love with her. I’m a worker. My body, mind, and soul are made to work. I cannot be a paper pusher. I cannot be someone stuck behind a desk and a computer. Who and what I am meant to be is all wrapped up in hip-hop music, blue-collar work, and sexual passions. Yes, the time spent in the college system taught me that I am a leader. I have a gift. It’s a gift I will not go into detail about now because it’s off topic, but the time spent in college taught me how to be a leader. But, the college industry is not where I belong. The corporate world is not where I belong. So, after graduation (almost a year ago), I had to find another path.

After losing my home in Oregon, I hit the road and found Colorado as my new stomping grounds. I’ve been here for six months and I’m doing something that terrifies me once again. Like I said, once I start something new I have an anxiety over it. I have this feeling that I’m not good enough. I don’t think I will fail, because I know I’ll succeed – lol – I have that faith in myself that I’ll kick ass at this new position (details in a minute). My lack of confidence is what drives me to do the best job that I can. Yes, I’m hard on myself. Yes, I have negative self-talk. Yes, I tell myself “You suck at life, Jo.” But, it doesn’t keep me down. It doesn’t keep me from accomplishing what it is I’ve set forth. That negative talk is what motivates me. I tell myself, after I tell myself that I suck, that I do not suck! Yes, I converse with myself about this all the time. Not only am I my worst critic, I am my best motivational speaker. I have learned that I need validation from the people who are teaching me new skills. That’s a childhood thing, I think. The lack of confidence I have in myself is from childhood trauma. I’ve had to learn how to motivate myself. I’ve had to learn to be my best motivational speaker because nobody ever gave me credit or validated me for anything I did; well, except for all the great blow jobs I gave. I was recognized for that, which is why I continued to do it. To be honest, it was the only thing I felt I was good at during that time in my life because it was the only thing I was recognized for. Now, however, I believe I am good at many more things.

This is where my new path comes in. I’m learning to be a truck driver. I have driven the truck a few times and I’m doing a good job. I get frustrated because I feel I should already get it. But damn! For someone who’s never driven a stick before, I’m doing alright. There are things I need to learn, of course. There are things I’m still having a hard time with, but I’m doing it. Yeah, I’m scared. Yeah, I’m anxious. Yeah, the nerves are tight when I’m driving. But, I’m doing it. That anxiety it keeping me going. When I hit a cone for the first time in the yard, I jumped out of the truck and said, “Damn it Jo! You suck.” Then, I laughed at myself, kicked the cone, and said, “Nah, you got this Jo! You’re doing fine.” And really, I did great. I am doing well. I’ve only killed the truck once. I’m learning how to downshift, which is the hardest damn thing I’ve ever tried to do. Or is it? I mean really. It seems like the hardest thing because it’s all new, and I have no knowledge of what I’m doing except the three times I’ve been behind the wheel. So yeah, it’s hard. But I got this!

I’m learning a new skill that will allow me to travel the country. I’m going to see so many new places and meet so many new people. Because I have identified with the warehouse harlot as well as the college leader, I’m going to kick so much ass on the road. Yeah, I ran away from that girl I was 10+ years ago, but after reconnecting with her and loving her for who she really is, I’m so grateful for all the experiences I had during that time; even the nasty hard experiences. They’re there, and I’m going to own that shit and continue to share my story with others. People have told me that I’m courageous for sharing my story and doing the truck driving thing. Is it courage? I mean, yeah one needs to be scared and anxious before they can be considered courageous, so I guess so, because damn y’all I’m terrified about what’s next. But regardless, I’m doing it, and I’m so fuckin’ excited I can’t hardly contain myself these days.

So look y’all, I share this blog with you because if you read it I hope you’ll be motivated on some level to accomplish something that you’re afraid of. Do you have a dream you’ve been dreaming? Take a step toward that dream no matter how scary it may seem. Use that fear, anxiety, and terror and focus it toward accomplishing something in your life. We are seeing dark days in our world. There is constant war, death, and open hatred toward others. But when we really identify with ourselves and love ourselves for all that we are, we can shine our lights and over power that darkness. It’s time for us to rise. It’s time for us to recognize our light within ourselves and shine bright. There are millions of us out there who are shinning already and I encourage all of you to shine, too. Please. We need you.

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It’s time for … a quickie, of course

Sexual passions

Do you know it? Do you know that release of pure enjoyment and ecstasy? I only ask because that’s what I thrive on – well, that’s what I used to thrive on, at least.

For many years I focused on that passionate release, and now it’s taken me to a road of writing and encouragement. I always said, “I’ll never move back to the Bay Area,” And here I am planning my life to further my dream of living there again. Nothing is concrete, but I cannot explain to you how my memoirs have pushed me through into an entirely different – but oh so perfect – direction in life.

After graduation, I was pissed off with everything because the system is so corrupt. I didn’t want to be part of it. I still don’t. I’m talkin’ rEVOLution. I’m talkin’ commUNITY. I’m talkin’ pure light and love, y’all. Unconditional love, compassion, and the ability to talk through our struggles. I’m talkin’ prison outreach. I’m talkin’ motivational speaking. I’m talkin’ youth mentorship. I’m talkin’ LIVING THE DREAM!!! We all have a dream, right? I’m now working on accomplishing the goals and dreams I have set forth. And, by the looks of things, there’s a kingdom waiting for Us…

Dream big, please!

Take a step forward, please.

Forget about the fear, please!

I promise you … moving forward to accomplish a dream is the best thing in the world. I encourage all of you to start living your dreams because it’s about time we start living in a place of light and love … Many blessings, y’all!

More will come, of course. I just wanted to let y’all know that I haven’t gone anywhere. My book is in it’s last stages of edit and this Bay Area Harlot will tell her freaky tale … Much love!

Thank You

My hips move to the hip
Hop of your vibes
My energy cannot be
Created or destroyed
Only changed 

Changed when
You’re near and
When you’re not
I still feel you here
Within me
Changing the inner depths of me
Those depths that
Only you’ve touched

My ocean floors have been
Walked on
The footprints have been
Tattooed in my skin
In my soul
In my mind, body, and spirit 

That five-point star
Now wrapped with
Pieces of the puzzle
Bright colorful
Ties me to the bed frame
Of our labyrinth maze 

Amazing travels over
Ocean floors
You’ve brought me home
Grounding to the depths
Of my love 

Looking over my shoulder
I see me and
I thank you

Keepin’ it real

 

Political systems
Cement walls
Heavy air
It’s difficult to breath

Smelling the old
Is trigging the old
It smells like death
The triggers are like death 

A part of me died
Inside that darkness
Only to transform into light
Reborn is what I’ve become

The hustle on the streets
Is the same money made in the system
It is only taxable
Not stacks on stacks 

It’s systematic
Little boxes
No room
No movement

Bruce Lee said be like water
So, I’m fluid
Leaking through the cracks
Freedom to breath 

I will not stay shackled
Working in the system
That don’t work 

Breaking from it
I will find another way
To paint a world we love
So, when you need my brightness
Just holla 

I’ll be there, waitin
For those who travel in the system
When you’re ready to change it
My passion will be ready in the streets

Together we will find that balance
Between institution and the streets
Together black and white
The free and the proud

Our voice loud
In unison and justice
No titles needed
Because we are of one entity

We the people
The 99%
Nah, fuck that
We keeping it 100
Even in the system

Exposed truth

Preteen girl
Still a child
Taken away
Just a moment
To paradise

Tall grass
Black boy
Blow job
A hot meal

I was hungry
He bought me lunch
He was in high school
I was still only a child

Fairies danced for me
My king moaned for me
It was pleasurable for me
Food was important for me

I was not a child
I was a woman
No!
I was a child
I was not a woman

I am a woman
My child plays
In those same high grasses
Where she was taken away
Taken away to paradise
I was
For a moment

Crush Winery
Monmouth Oregon
April 2014

There’s a change … Ready for it?!

That’s right! Shit ’bout to change round here! I have spent the last 7 months reflecting on my life. There is so much history posted on this blog that I wonder how long it’ll be in the virtual world. Forever? Sweet! Maybe my memoir, that I’m writing now, will add to the accomplishments I’ve made. That’ll be cool!

But really … what am I going to do now, you ask? Well, first of all, I’m not too interested in reflecting on my life anymore. I’m so done! I honestly believe I’ve dug deep enough that I can’t dig any deeper. Hitting rock bottom really is when things get clear. And, I’ve hit rock bottom a few times. I have no doubt it’ll happen again. That’s fine! I’ll be ready for it this time.

After my detox and my trip to Haiti, I totally realized that I’m fucking awesome. I mean, I got shit about me that people find annoying, but whatever. Even those annoyances are awesome. LOL! Nah, but really! I have a gift. My perspective is unique. The fact that I don’t retain the information after I’ve said it really is something I am grateful for. There is already so much chatter, I wouldn’t want to remember the details of everything I say and do. Because, honestly, I say and do way too much to remember it all. I’m done trying to remember. So, I’m done reflecting. I’m happy with the depth to which I dug and I’m ready to expand.

The expansion will be a work in progress. Right now I am full of so much compassion and love I cannot contain myself. I’m starting to get a bit sad, these days, but I know exactly why it is and I am reminding myself that the Universe is listening. The turn around has been quick. So, even in my sadness, I am finding that I am still hopeful. I am still in love. My desires have heightened and I am ready to experience them on any and all levels I can.

There are quite a few people who are receiving direct messages. I am expressing and expanding myself in many directions. I’m ready to make one of those focal points, this blog. My writing style has changed a bit too. So, that will be an interesting progression to see.

So, here we go! This is the beginning! I’m ready … are you?! I sure hope so. This journey would be boring without you.