Revisiting my past is building my future

          The topic of discussion is depression, fear, struggles of falling in love, revisiting the past, and the hardships of keeping ones shit together when it seems their entire life is falling apart. My discussion is, of course, centered on my recent life events; I say recent, indicating the last two years, really. I’m going to start this discussion with my detoxification of my uterus. There isn’t a fiber of my being that wasn’t affected by that experience. My body has obviously changed. My mind is not the same. My spirit has taken on a new course of responsibility. I am not the same person I was when I started the process in 2013. I never expected the shit to happen the way it has, and I’m beyond grateful for how it’s all happened. I now have a working reproductive system, and I did it by myself. I didn’t go to any doctors, and I sure as hell didn’t have any procedures that would allow objects to scrap the inside of my body. Nope! I prayed. I meditated. I soaked in the light of the full moon. I spoke to my ancestors. I reached out beyond this realm, and I found more than I was asking for.

          With the steps taken during this time, I internalized. I didn’t share my experience with anyone except for two people. One is no longer a part of my life; he’s missed greatly. The other one is still very prominent in my life, and I appreciate her more than words can express. I was extremely depressed during this time in my life, and I struggled with a lot of loss. So-called friends distanced themselves from me, too. Not only was I alone, I felt lonely and abandoned. Coming to terms with the loss of my unborn child from 15 years prior, I found a sense of peace within myself. I wasn’t lonely any longer. This uterus cleanse that I did to myself was brutal; I’ve explained this before. Like I said, it wasn’t only physical. This was an entire make over of every aspect of my being. I tapped into my higher self and my lower self. I spoke to my unborn child. I spoke to my previous lives. I identified with my purpose. I knew I was destined to be a mother.

          After I gathered the broken pieces of my life, I started feeling better about myself because I had identified with my past sorrows that were keeping me down. My detox cleared out some major cobwebs of my soul. I started exercising. I picked up yoga again. I found a comfort in being alone. Then, I started planning my trip to Haiti. Being out there continued to shape my thought process; my thoughts changed again. My aspirations grew stronger. I witnessed things I still cannot explain. I honestly believe something from my experiences in Haiti filled the void within my soul that was from the loss of my child. I misread some signs too. Messages that came to me were mixed with a different reality. I made mistakes. I have forgiven myself for those mistakes, of course. And the love that blossomed will forever be a part of me and those involved. Coming home from Haiti and remembering all that I went through that year with my detox, I found myself revisiting my past. I started writing my memoirs.

          This choice, based on my decision making process to take this class my senior year, was the starting point of my entire future. I had spent many years running away from a part of my past that I didn’t want to identify with. I didn’t want my new friends to know about it. But, when I started writing about it, that all changed. With my newfound strength of being alone, and the courage I found within myself from traveling to Haiti, I fell in love. I feel deeply in love. I visited the depth of my soul. I found a lot down there, too. During that journey of deep Jo diving, however, I found something I had forgotten about. Digging down into the depths of my past, I remembered why I was running away. It was a painful thing to identify, and I’m still working on healing from that pain. This was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn, but I learned it, for sure. Love will do that to ya. Upon opening the floodgates of lost love and broken promises, I found myself nearly broken once again.

          More friends distanced themselves because I was being a complete bitch; I was keeping so much internalized again. I still didn’t want to share my past with anyone; it hurt too much. During this time, a little pixie and her son visited me; they kept me alive. They kept me motivated and allowed my inner child to play freely. I didn’t want to be an adult, so I wasn’t. I let myself go completely. I was spiraling down further than any depth I had reached during depression. I kept highly intoxicated so I wouldn’t deal with the pain. I covered it up. Then I realized I had used all my rent money on weed and alcohol; I couldn’t afford to live in that place any longer, and not just financially, but life in general. I am sure I would have taken my own life if I stayed there. I am sure of it. The depression and negativity I was living with would have taken its toll on me; so, I left.

          I didn’t know what I was doing, where I was going, or how I was going to get there. All I knew was that I needed to go. I picked Colorado as my destination, and I made it. And, of course, the depression, past sorrows, and newfound strength all followed me, too. The things I identified with during my detox, trip to Haiti, falling in love, and writing my memoirs has all followed me here. Right now, this very moment, I can still feel the warmth of these experiences. I know my higher being, God Himself, is guiding me on my path. It was my decision to leave a home I loved that has brought me to this place I am at right now; I am homeless. I am struggling. I am scared. I am blessed, honored, and madly in love again. Home is where the heart is, right? Well, my heart is locked up for two more years. The difficult transition I’m in will only bring more warmth and light, I’m sure of it. Digging to the depth of my soul has reminded me of who I am, and I will not hide from that person any longer. I refuse.

          I am not living in my past, not at all, but it is my past that is building my future. I need to remind myself what I’ve done, where I’m from, and why I am who I am. I’ve come a long way since that dirty warehouse worker who got involved in many sexual acts. Even though I can still recall the smell of oil, propane, and wet boxes, I need to identify with where I am today. Even though I can still taste the passionate release of my clients, I need to identify with who I am today. It’s hard though. I struggle with it because I have hidden that part of my past from everyone I ever encountered. It’s not that I’m afraid of judgment, no. What I’m afraid of is expressing my enjoyment. I’m afraid if I express how much I miss my clients, how much I miss giving blow jobs, and how much I want to experience it all again … I’m afraid I’ll go back into the business.

          There is an opportunity that is knocking at my door, and I want it more than anything I have ever wanted in my life. It’s a revisit of my past, of course. It’s a door reopened. It’s an opportunity for me to learn new skills and make a lot of money. I need to recognize that I am not reliving my past. I need to realize that my choices now are based on knowledge of self, knowledge of other, and knowledge of how society works. As a college graduate, who studied anthropology, I am sure to follow this dream and not make the same mistakes I made before. It’s terrifying though. The fear is what’s making me do it. I swear, if it wasn’t for the fact that I am scared out of my mind right now, I wouldn’t be following this hidden dream. I wouldn’t be playing with the hidden gem I found while I dug to the depths of my soul. If it wasn’t for this fear, I wouldn’t be alive. I wouldn’t have the opportunity to do God’s work. I wouldn’t be writing this blog, right now …

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It’s time for … a quickie, of course

Sexual passions

Do you know it? Do you know that release of pure enjoyment and ecstasy? I only ask because that’s what I thrive on – well, that’s what I used to thrive on, at least.

For many years I focused on that passionate release, and now it’s taken me to a road of writing and encouragement. I always said, “I’ll never move back to the Bay Area,” And here I am planning my life to further my dream of living there again. Nothing is concrete, but I cannot explain to you how my memoirs have pushed me through into an entirely different – but oh so perfect – direction in life.

After graduation, I was pissed off with everything because the system is so corrupt. I didn’t want to be part of it. I still don’t. I’m talkin’ rEVOLution. I’m talkin’ commUNITY. I’m talkin’ pure light and love, y’all. Unconditional love, compassion, and the ability to talk through our struggles. I’m talkin’ prison outreach. I’m talkin’ motivational speaking. I’m talkin’ youth mentorship. I’m talkin’ LIVING THE DREAM!!! We all have a dream, right? I’m now working on accomplishing the goals and dreams I have set forth. And, by the looks of things, there’s a kingdom waiting for Us…

Dream big, please!

Take a step forward, please.

Forget about the fear, please!

I promise you … moving forward to accomplish a dream is the best thing in the world. I encourage all of you to start living your dreams because it’s about time we start living in a place of light and love … Many blessings, y’all!

More will come, of course. I just wanted to let y’all know that I haven’t gone anywhere. My book is in it’s last stages of edit and this Bay Area Harlot will tell her freaky tale … Much love!

Holding onto The Hurt for Too Long ~ Letting Go ~ Releasing The Pain

This blog will be a free write. You’re warned! I’m probably not going to hold back much. I might over share, but please visit the FIRST THREE paragraphs of my previous blog. They apply here! ~ Here I go  ~

Fifteen years later and I’m finally mourning the death of my unborn child. I finally came to terms with that situation and forgave a man I will probably never receive an apology from. That’s growth, isn’t it? How many of you can say you’ve forgiven your high school sweetheart for breaking your heart? Did you ever receive an apology for the way he or she treated you? I didn’t think so. Further, have you ever taken the time to acknowledge the pain you experienced because of such an event? Not many people have, really. Now, I’m not judging whatsoever; I’m admitting that I’ve been there; I’m admitting I’m there now.

I cannot even begin to tell you how fucked I was during my DETOX. It wasn’t the FOOD detox. It wasn’t the smoking detox, either. It was the SHEDDING of my clogged uterus that caused a complete and utter melt down. It’s been about two weeks since I experienced this melt down and I’m still angry when I revisit the emotions, pain and confusion of the entire situation. It was horrible, really. But, I need to get this out and I cannot keep putting it aside. I have tried over and over to find things to keep me occupied, but I cannot do it any longer.

So, there I was, forcing bleeding. The pain I experienced and the amount of blood I discharged reminded me of when I had a miscarriage, my junior year in high school. I was almost 4 months pregnant when I lost it. The father, a boy I met the winter break before the first year of high school, was the love of my life. We had a typical high school relationship and typical high school drama. Well, when I told him I had miscarried our baby, I think I choose the wrong time and place to tell him. In the middle of class is probably not the best time to tell your boyfriend you had a miscarriage. Okay, lessoned learned, I won’t do that again. Well, when I told him, he said, “I don’t care! It’s probably not mine anyways.” Ouch, right?! I flipped out on him and … long story short … we fought. It was so bad, we were pushed into the hallway, where I charged him and he caught me in a headlock. The first thing that came to mind was to bite; so I did. Ouch! I took a chunk of skin out of the left side of that man’s waist.

I never mourned the loss of my child with him – until now. I never thought about it much after that. My relationship with him changed, of course. We fought all the time. We didn’t spend much time together either. It was probably 8 months later when I finally talked to him again after that fight. He wasn’t around much during my senior year. He only started coming around again when the car hit me. Well, he eventually left me for good and I have held so much anger and hatred toward him this entire time. The heartache of losing my child and then losing him for good was so much that I didn’t know how to deal with it. I still don’t know how to deal with it. I’m seriously having a hard time writing this blog.

All I really know is that I’ve forgiven him, finally, for leaving me. I understand why he did. It was too difficult. Instead of fighting with me, because that’s all we really did, he left. How can I be mad at that still? Yeah, writing that made me smile. Acknowledging that I’ve forgiven him makes me lighter. I honestly feel I’ve released something that’s been bottled up for over 15 years. I’m making room for positive, more brighter things. Forgiving him gave me so much peace. I will probably never get an apology from him, and that’s okay. You have no idea how amazing that is for me. I’ve told myself for many years that I would never forgive him. I promised myself to never forgive him because he didn’t deserve that. But really? Why would I want something that powerful to take so much of my energy? I need to use that energy for something loving. Instead of hating him and wishing him nothing but ill things, I’ve decided to love him and respect him. He deserves that.

Yeah! So, I’ve forgiven someone who hurt me. To do that, I had to relive the hurt. I had to figure out why I was so hurt. I had to remember my miscarriage. I had to recall the feeling of his flesh between my teeth – EW, right?! – I have not worked through any of this yet, however. Okay, I’ve mourned the death of my unborn child. I’ve called out his name, Dravin Allen H&#(@N, with love and care. I apologized to him (or her) for not giving him the opportunity to be my child. However, I also admitted that I was grateful it never happened. I’d have a 15 year old. I probably wouldn’t be living in my beautiful home. I would probably still be in the shit hole town I grew up in, seeing the same people from high school. Not quite the life I wanted to live. I’m happy not to have a 15 year old. I’m happy the father and I aren’t together, living in a small broken down apartment somewhere fighting all the time and struggling to buy diapers for our other children. Doesn’t sound fun or pleasing. I’m good with not having a child right now.

What I need to work on next is the abandonment and betrayal feelings that came along with these events. To top it off, I also have to deal with abandonment and betrayal issues in my life right now, not just in my past. I’m fighting the urge to throw up my walls and block people out of my life again. I’m not though! I also need to work on forgiving myself for biting him. I have to work on my anger and anxiety problems. I cannot allow myself to get so angry anymore. I need to notice when I’m getting that stressed out before it gets to that point. When I notice it, I need to have the courage to call out to someone. I need to call out to someone before it gets to the point that I’m punching walls. I shouldn’t be punching walls anymore. I need to find a way to let go of my anxieties and fears. I’ve stopped smoking, so that’s good, but it was my go to when I was anxious about something. I can’t do that anymore – I won’t do that anymore.

Having to find new, healthier habits is a hard thing to do. I want to start doing things with my hands. I’ve never built or created things with my hands. I just don’t know what I’m going to enjoy enough to pick up. I’ve started a patch work skirt project, so we’ll see how far this goes. I want to learn how to play an instrument, too. Maybe the guitar? How about the flute? OH! Drums, yeah! But these things won’t help when I’m at school, work, or in Haiti. So, I’m brainstorming some ideas – if you have any suggestions – please share them with me, thanks!

 

PHEW!

 

That’s a lot, I know! It’s fulfilling for me to share all of that with you, the reader. I may not know you and we may never talk, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have shared one of the most heartbreaking stories with complete strangers who have somewhat become my family. You’ve learned so much about me throughout these blogs that I can’t help but feel some kind of connection with you. I’ve read some of your blogs too. I appreciate that connection. Even for the reader who knows me and has talked to me personally – maybe even more then talking, I appreciate you too. I encourage you, the reader, to reflect on your heartaches. Forgive those who you’ll never receive an apology from. Mourn the loss of all those people who have died. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to release it. It’s okay to admit it. It won’t be easy and it will take a long time to get through some of it, but believe me, it’s so worth it. I feel better right this second then I did when I went skinning dipping and FOUND my pagan path. The release of such heartbreaking things has given me more strength that I know what to do with. Yeah, of course I’m still scared and fearful of many things, but I feel now that I’ve let go of so much, I have the opportunity to fill it up with something different.

You can do it too! I honestly believe the more we admit we have been heartbroken, the more we can love and be loved in the future. That’s really all we want, right? We just want to be loved. We want to love too. But, if we don’t love ourselves first, we cannot love others or allow others to truly love us. We need to accept the events in our past and be as okay as we can be with them. Of course, some major events might never be okay. Sometimes the pain is too deep and the conscious mind cannot filter through it. Therefore, that’s when dreams and meditation come in handy. The last three weeks, I have done so much meditation because there was no way to safely go through the heartache of my miscarriage. Now, I will focus on other pains and meditate on getting better.

I am still heartbroken. I am still angry. I am still sad. I’ve been telling myself for the past four days that I am on the happy side of the crappy realm. I’m walking aimlessly through life right now, just floating around, over thinking everything and somewhat enjoying it. I know myself well enough to know that I have about another week of this and I will begin to heal. By the time I write my next blog, I’ll probably be on the crappy side of the happy realm. Little by little, things will get easier.

*Many Bright, Beautiful Blessings

Swallowed by fear

I’m scared! Saturday (7.20) I woke up in so much pain that I couldn’t even think clearly. I snapped at my best friend. I yelled at the cat. I even cried so hard that it made me even angrier! It was a bad day. What I realized was that I was scared. My back went out – it goes out about once or twice a year if I’m not careful – well, I did a lot of yard work the day before and I think my body was saying “fuck you! Take a rest!” So, I did. At first, I was going to concentrate on my novel and write, but that didn’t happen. Instead, I wrote out my timeline for the detox.

 In less than a week, I will start drinking parsley tea to force contractions in my uterus. I kept asking myself, am I ready for this. And, my answer is, no … No, I am not ready! But, that doesn’t mean I’m not going to do it. I have a lot of fear about doing this. Am I going to be strong enough to do it? Am I going to stick with it for as long as I want? Am I going to have the support I need? Will I be stronger or weaker after it’s over – will it ever be over? I don’t know the answer to any of these. I have faith, however, that everything is going to be just fine. During the process, I may be sick, angry, sad, irritated, sore etc, but I need to do this!

Fear of the unknown is one thing that keeps presenting itself in my life right now. The coming year is going to be full of so much growth that I’m preparing for it this summer. But, I’m scared of the unknown. I’m scared to see the outcome of the coming months. I’m afraid of how I will feel, going back to school and work. Many people don’t know I’m doing this and when I get back to school, I’m going to look different. I have no doubt I’m going to lose weight, which means I have to go shopping for new clothes. I don’t know. I’m focusing too much on the external shell my spirit is living in. I’ve never been about fashion and I’ve never been interested in name-brand stuff. I buy my clothes at thrift shops. I try to stay with earth tone solids as much as possible. Oh! I don’t know … I write this stuff down, but it doesn’t seem to really bother me as much as I thought. So what am I afraid of? If it’s not my external appearance, what am I afraid of?

This isn’t a diet. This is a lifestyle change. Am I doing the right thing? Will I be able to fulfill my goal plan? Can I encourage others to do what they want to do with their lives? It’s weird. I started talking about this about six months ago and now, I have three of my close friends also doing a cleanse of their own. They’re not going to the extreme that I’m doing, but they’re still doing a cleanse. I had a conversation with one of my friends who will do a lemonade cleanse and she’s worried about sticking to a healthy food intake instead of going back to junk food. After talking to her, I realized that the word diet suggests a short-term goal. So, of course when someone is done with the diet, they’ll go back to eating what they used to eat. That doesn’t work! If someone needs the diet to help them in the love run, they have to completely change their lifestyle.

By lifestyle, I mean their food intake. With changing the food intake, habits change. Instead of going through a fast food joint and picking up a hamburger, if someone wants a hamburger for dinner, maybe they can make it at home. Being aware of where all the products come from too, is important. Majority of people don’t know where their food comes from and those same people aren’t living a healthy life. I’m one of them. I’m not judging, I’m just stating what I know. I’ve been more mindful of it in recent years (like two years), but for the most part, my meals are unknown to me. I’ll be sure to buy products from local farms or Oregon grown products without GMO pesticides. I stay away from boxed foods. I don’t eat canned food anymore either. So, I’ve already changed my lifestyle. What I’m doing now will build off that lifestyle change already in action. What I’m doing now will prepare my body for healthier food. But I’m still scared!

The other day, I went out to dinner with my best friend and we went to a nice little Italian restaurant. I loved it! The smell reminded me of my grandmother. She always used to melt butter with garlic, just to make the house smell good. Well, during that meal, I was mindful of all my bites. I paid close attention to how the muscles felt in my mouth. I felt every shrimp, clam and noodle that I put into my mouth. I remember the taste of fresh baked bread and oil and vinegar mixture. It was amazing food! I was saying goodbye to that food. I was saying goodbye to pasta, dairy products, breads and restaurant style eating. I don’t want to eat that stuff anymore. I don’t want to continually be sick because of the food I eat. I don’t want to feel tired all the time. I want to have more energy to do the things I want to do. I believe changing my food intake will, indeed, help me with all of that.

Pizza is another food I am going to miss, a lot! I eat pizza at least three times a month. I will buy a large pizza, which lasts me for at least 3 meals. Come to think about it, I have some pizza in my oven right now. I always get a Hawaiian pizza, but recently I’ve been switching it up and getting different styles of pizza. The one I got a few days ago was a chicken BBQ something or rather. It was so delicious. I said goodbye to it. Even though, I think I will probably get one more pizza before I start my cleanse/detox, I have been mindfully saying goodbye to many food items.

Cereal is another favorite food of mine. I will eat a bowl of cereal anytime of the week for any meal. But because I’m staying away from dairy as well as corporate cereals, I need to find something healthier. I have never tried almond milk or anything like that, so I am going to try that. I also know there is healthy cereal out there that I can eat, but I just haven’t researched it yet. So, maybe cereal won’t be something I miss. Instead, it’ll be something I change.

Oh yeah! I like that! Even with pizza, really. I can get thin crust or something and order it with no sauce. I can find things. Shit! Maybe I need to learn how to make my own pizzas. I know I want to cut out my breads and pastas, but I have no doubt I’m going to have cravings. If I have a slice of pizza once a month, I don’t see a problem with that. Nope!!! I can’t do that! I can’t sit here and justify something when I know it’ll make me sick. Why would I knowingly do that to myself? That’s like saying I will allow myself to smoke a cigarette once a month. No! When I stop smoking, I never want to pick up another cigarette again. I never want to use it as a crutch. I never want to buy another pack of smokes. I never want to taste the chemical sticks. They’re nasty and every time I’ve smoked in the last couple of weeks, I’ve felt sick afterward. So, why don’t I just quite? Well, I’m not ready. I want to finish out my summer course so I don’t over stress myself during finals week. I only have two more weeks of school (well, really one and a half weeks). So, I’ll be done soon. I want to stop smoking! I’m ready to stop …

 So much is going to be different and I’m afraid I won’t have the courage to follow through with this. I’m afraid I won’t be able to continue it once my cleanse is over. I’m afraid I’m going to binge eat and justify it somehow. I live alone. I do not have someone here who can regulate my food. I know that I’m capable of doing it by myself, but will I keep the strength throughout the entire time. I doubt it. I know there’s going to be a moment when I want to give up everything that I’m doing.

 OH! I forgot to mention this in my last blog, about my support group. Well, I’ve decided to reach out to about 6 of my close friends for support. They all know what I’m doing, but I feel I am going to be too weak and too stubborn to reach out to someone when I’m going through an emotional battle. So, what I did was email them and ask them to send me unmarked envelopes with letters of encouragement and support. I asked them to make me cry and/or laugh. I asked them to make it real, no matter what they choose to do. What I will do with the unmarked envelopes is put them into a nice basket with positive affirmations attached to it and leave the basket in my living room. So when I’m feeling sad or feel like giving up, I am going to open one of the envelopes to give me inspiration and courage to continue. I have no clue what these letters will say or who they will be by until I open them, and that’s important to me. It’s going to be fun. I think I’m also going to post on this blog ever time I open one.

Honestly, I think this blog is going to be one of my support crutches. I will be places and think about my readers. I don’t know any of you and I’ve never had a conversation with any of you. But I know you’re out there. I know you’re reading this. I appreciate that. Just knowing people are reading the struggles I’m going through gives me more courage to continue doing it. Seriously, not only am I showing myself that I can do it … I’m showing others that’s it possible. I’m showing others that it’s hard, but possible. I’m showing others that if they wanted to take things into their own hands and change their lifestyle, it can be done. I want everyone to know the struggles I went through so they can prepare accordingly to their own lifestyles. It gives me a reason outside of doing it for myself. I’m doing this for others too.

I pray that what I’m doing will help, not only me, but someone else. I hope they see the courage within me and use that same energy to produce their own courage within themselves. I want to spread my ideas with those who want to read/hear them. This is only the beginning, I think. Yeah, I did write columns (Cup of Jo – cute huh). I used to write about a column once a week for almost 2 years. They were published in the college newspaper. The topics were usually about uplifting others. I would share an experience I had and tell people how I overcame it. I would then give holistic advice. That’s pretty much what I’m doing here. I’m making a huge Cup of Jo column. I have faith that it will reach those who need it. I’m not looking to get famous or have hundreds of readers, but I do feel that the people who read it need to hear it. Because of all of that, I will continue the cleanse. I will fulfill my goals. I will accomplish my dream of living a healthy and fulfilling life. It will happen! And I have you, the reader, to that for that.

Many Blessings!