Revisiting my past is building my future

          The topic of discussion is depression, fear, struggles of falling in love, revisiting the past, and the hardships of keeping ones shit together when it seems their entire life is falling apart. My discussion is, of course, centered on my recent life events; I say recent, indicating the last two years, really. I’m going to start this discussion with my detoxification of my uterus. There isn’t a fiber of my being that wasn’t affected by that experience. My body has obviously changed. My mind is not the same. My spirit has taken on a new course of responsibility. I am not the same person I was when I started the process in 2013. I never expected the shit to happen the way it has, and I’m beyond grateful for how it’s all happened. I now have a working reproductive system, and I did it by myself. I didn’t go to any doctors, and I sure as hell didn’t have any procedures that would allow objects to scrap the inside of my body. Nope! I prayed. I meditated. I soaked in the light of the full moon. I spoke to my ancestors. I reached out beyond this realm, and I found more than I was asking for.

          With the steps taken during this time, I internalized. I didn’t share my experience with anyone except for two people. One is no longer a part of my life; he’s missed greatly. The other one is still very prominent in my life, and I appreciate her more than words can express. I was extremely depressed during this time in my life, and I struggled with a lot of loss. So-called friends distanced themselves from me, too. Not only was I alone, I felt lonely and abandoned. Coming to terms with the loss of my unborn child from 15 years prior, I found a sense of peace within myself. I wasn’t lonely any longer. This uterus cleanse that I did to myself was brutal; I’ve explained this before. Like I said, it wasn’t only physical. This was an entire make over of every aspect of my being. I tapped into my higher self and my lower self. I spoke to my unborn child. I spoke to my previous lives. I identified with my purpose. I knew I was destined to be a mother.

          After I gathered the broken pieces of my life, I started feeling better about myself because I had identified with my past sorrows that were keeping me down. My detox cleared out some major cobwebs of my soul. I started exercising. I picked up yoga again. I found a comfort in being alone. Then, I started planning my trip to Haiti. Being out there continued to shape my thought process; my thoughts changed again. My aspirations grew stronger. I witnessed things I still cannot explain. I honestly believe something from my experiences in Haiti filled the void within my soul that was from the loss of my child. I misread some signs too. Messages that came to me were mixed with a different reality. I made mistakes. I have forgiven myself for those mistakes, of course. And the love that blossomed will forever be a part of me and those involved. Coming home from Haiti and remembering all that I went through that year with my detox, I found myself revisiting my past. I started writing my memoirs.

          This choice, based on my decision making process to take this class my senior year, was the starting point of my entire future. I had spent many years running away from a part of my past that I didn’t want to identify with. I didn’t want my new friends to know about it. But, when I started writing about it, that all changed. With my newfound strength of being alone, and the courage I found within myself from traveling to Haiti, I fell in love. I feel deeply in love. I visited the depth of my soul. I found a lot down there, too. During that journey of deep Jo diving, however, I found something I had forgotten about. Digging down into the depths of my past, I remembered why I was running away. It was a painful thing to identify, and I’m still working on healing from that pain. This was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn, but I learned it, for sure. Love will do that to ya. Upon opening the floodgates of lost love and broken promises, I found myself nearly broken once again.

          More friends distanced themselves because I was being a complete bitch; I was keeping so much internalized again. I still didn’t want to share my past with anyone; it hurt too much. During this time, a little pixie and her son visited me; they kept me alive. They kept me motivated and allowed my inner child to play freely. I didn’t want to be an adult, so I wasn’t. I let myself go completely. I was spiraling down further than any depth I had reached during depression. I kept highly intoxicated so I wouldn’t deal with the pain. I covered it up. Then I realized I had used all my rent money on weed and alcohol; I couldn’t afford to live in that place any longer, and not just financially, but life in general. I am sure I would have taken my own life if I stayed there. I am sure of it. The depression and negativity I was living with would have taken its toll on me; so, I left.

          I didn’t know what I was doing, where I was going, or how I was going to get there. All I knew was that I needed to go. I picked Colorado as my destination, and I made it. And, of course, the depression, past sorrows, and newfound strength all followed me, too. The things I identified with during my detox, trip to Haiti, falling in love, and writing my memoirs has all followed me here. Right now, this very moment, I can still feel the warmth of these experiences. I know my higher being, God Himself, is guiding me on my path. It was my decision to leave a home I loved that has brought me to this place I am at right now; I am homeless. I am struggling. I am scared. I am blessed, honored, and madly in love again. Home is where the heart is, right? Well, my heart is locked up for two more years. The difficult transition I’m in will only bring more warmth and light, I’m sure of it. Digging to the depth of my soul has reminded me of who I am, and I will not hide from that person any longer. I refuse.

          I am not living in my past, not at all, but it is my past that is building my future. I need to remind myself what I’ve done, where I’m from, and why I am who I am. I’ve come a long way since that dirty warehouse worker who got involved in many sexual acts. Even though I can still recall the smell of oil, propane, and wet boxes, I need to identify with where I am today. Even though I can still taste the passionate release of my clients, I need to identify with who I am today. It’s hard though. I struggle with it because I have hidden that part of my past from everyone I ever encountered. It’s not that I’m afraid of judgment, no. What I’m afraid of is expressing my enjoyment. I’m afraid if I express how much I miss my clients, how much I miss giving blow jobs, and how much I want to experience it all again … I’m afraid I’ll go back into the business.

          There is an opportunity that is knocking at my door, and I want it more than anything I have ever wanted in my life. It’s a revisit of my past, of course. It’s a door reopened. It’s an opportunity for me to learn new skills and make a lot of money. I need to recognize that I am not reliving my past. I need to realize that my choices now are based on knowledge of self, knowledge of other, and knowledge of how society works. As a college graduate, who studied anthropology, I am sure to follow this dream and not make the same mistakes I made before. It’s terrifying though. The fear is what’s making me do it. I swear, if it wasn’t for the fact that I am scared out of my mind right now, I wouldn’t be following this hidden dream. I wouldn’t be playing with the hidden gem I found while I dug to the depths of my soul. If it wasn’t for this fear, I wouldn’t be alive. I wouldn’t have the opportunity to do God’s work. I wouldn’t be writing this blog, right now …

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It’s time for … a quickie, of course

Sexual passions

Do you know it? Do you know that release of pure enjoyment and ecstasy? I only ask because that’s what I thrive on – well, that’s what I used to thrive on, at least.

For many years I focused on that passionate release, and now it’s taken me to a road of writing and encouragement. I always said, “I’ll never move back to the Bay Area,” And here I am planning my life to further my dream of living there again. Nothing is concrete, but I cannot explain to you how my memoirs have pushed me through into an entirely different – but oh so perfect – direction in life.

After graduation, I was pissed off with everything because the system is so corrupt. I didn’t want to be part of it. I still don’t. I’m talkin’ rEVOLution. I’m talkin’ commUNITY. I’m talkin’ pure light and love, y’all. Unconditional love, compassion, and the ability to talk through our struggles. I’m talkin’ prison outreach. I’m talkin’ motivational speaking. I’m talkin’ youth mentorship. I’m talkin’ LIVING THE DREAM!!! We all have a dream, right? I’m now working on accomplishing the goals and dreams I have set forth. And, by the looks of things, there’s a kingdom waiting for Us…

Dream big, please!

Take a step forward, please.

Forget about the fear, please!

I promise you … moving forward to accomplish a dream is the best thing in the world. I encourage all of you to start living your dreams because it’s about time we start living in a place of light and love … Many blessings, y’all!

More will come, of course. I just wanted to let y’all know that I haven’t gone anywhere. My book is in it’s last stages of edit and this Bay Area Harlot will tell her freaky tale … Much love!

Bay Area Quickies

I’ve sold my home in Oregon
I’m at my moms, tying up some deals
I’m heading to Colorado in a few days.
Being here has been an experience, for sure. I’ve visited people and places I haven’t been to in years. Seriously has me feeling some kind of way, for sure. People have offered me work, places to stay, and support that was unexpected and much appreciative. I can’t stay though. Not because I don’t want to – but because I can’t. I’m not running away from anything. There’s good stuff here, yeah, but it’s not enough. I need more. I need different. I need nature, trees, greenery, healthy air quality, nicer people, and outright new people in my life. My ambitions are too many, and too strong to stay stagnant. Finding a job here, living somewhere nice, and getting a routine in the grind of the Bay Area is far from any ambition or dream I have for myself. Please don’t be mad at me for that.
My travels will be published on my social media networks. I am seriously on a mission. I have no clue what I’m doing but I’m doing it. I’m emotionally unstable because I’m still healing from the damage done months ago. My love has grown deeper in the last couple of days and there is no way I am going to settle right now. My vision is beyond this place.
I have taken a path that is unknown. I’m traveling a well worn path because I feel our ancestors’ energy with me. I’m not lost. I’m not confused. I’m sure as hell not dense, egotistical or narcissistic. This mission will be the foundation of the word of our ancestors. To communicate is extremely important to me. This journey will help me, as #CupOfJoBruno, to find the strength, courage, and wisdom to know how to speak the words properly and in enough respect to gift them to The People.
I can’t do that in the Bay Area. But my heart will be here. All my hard work will come back here. I will make sure that what ever it is I’m doing as I’m traveling with the ancestors will be noticed in the Bay Area. You better believe that when I write my next bio or writers blurb, I will represent the 925.
I am a white female who grew up in the streets of Pittsburg , California. I’m a product of 80s rap in the Bay Area. Or shall I say Yay Area? I am a rear breed, indeed. I’ve identified a few of us , but we are rare. I will take my Bay Area flare with me everywhere I go. When I’m speaking the truth of the ancestors, I will make sure my little girl is playing right along with them.
So, just because I’m leaving doesn’t mean I’m not still here. I got your back, no matter where I’m at!

About.me/w3sternjo is where you can find me.

Keepin’ it real

 

Political systems
Cement walls
Heavy air
It’s difficult to breath

Smelling the old
Is trigging the old
It smells like death
The triggers are like death 

A part of me died
Inside that darkness
Only to transform into light
Reborn is what I’ve become

The hustle on the streets
Is the same money made in the system
It is only taxable
Not stacks on stacks 

It’s systematic
Little boxes
No room
No movement

Bruce Lee said be like water
So, I’m fluid
Leaking through the cracks
Freedom to breath 

I will not stay shackled
Working in the system
That don’t work 

Breaking from it
I will find another way
To paint a world we love
So, when you need my brightness
Just holla 

I’ll be there, waitin
For those who travel in the system
When you’re ready to change it
My passion will be ready in the streets

Together we will find that balance
Between institution and the streets
Together black and white
The free and the proud

Our voice loud
In unison and justice
No titles needed
Because we are of one entity

We the people
The 99%
Nah, fuck that
We keeping it 100
Even in the system

Keepin’ it real ~ Doin’ what we gotta do ~ Risin’ above

One of the main things I’ve come across lately is people wanting to make a difference on a real level. I am surrounded by academia. Just today my professor told me, “yeah, it’s going to be hard as fuck!” That’s real! Yeah, okay it’s not professional on the level that people think professional should be, but it was real. I have had those moments when I would say things like, “This is bullshit,” in class or even in a meeting. Yeah, people look at me strange at first, but they’re all real people and they get over it – I get over it. My co-worker and I have said some brutal, raunchy things behind closed doors. I’ve had people come up to me who were going through some emotional struggles and every other word she said was “fuck” or “shit.” We’re real! We’re getting shit done and we’re making a change. People in the professional realm are starting to be real.

We may not be controlling shit yet, but we will be soon! I have faith we will be stronger than ever before and history will not fully repeat itself this time. I believe that we are a greater number fighting against the machine. I have faith that there are millions more people speaking up about the needs of the people. We’re stronger then ever before. Corporate America will crumble. Politics will change. Corruption wouldn’t be so common. I think there is hundreds of millions people who will continue to rise above the old. They will see the past and want to change our present so our future will be rewarding and something to look forward to, for all of us.

I watched a movie today, in class.It blew my mind. They dissected this statement:

Culture always builds on the past
The past always tries to control the future
Our future is becoming less free
Build free societies you must limit the control of the past

I am seriously blown away because this has been the conversation I’ve been having with so many people. Like I said, I believe there’s going to be a revolution. I’m not going to sit here and say when it’ll be, but I do believe I will see if in my lifetime. Things are changing. They will continue to change, too. I think our past has finally taught us something and people are noticing.

There are so many directions I can go right now, and honestly, I don’t know if I want to touch upon any of them at the moment. It would change the point of this blog post. So, I’m just going to continue with this idea of history repeating itself and how I believe there are more people fighting against the machine as there was before. There’s a new generation being born – it’s something new – it’s different – never before done. The information we have – on multiple levels – is better then ever before. The people who have been in control are a dying breed. We’ll always have racists and ignorance. We’ll always have fights and even war. We’ll always have heartache and struggle to survive. However, I do believe they will be fewer and less corrupt or deadly.

The reason I feel this way is that I see people doing small things within their own communities, trying to make their community a better place. I see organization leaders and activists getting degrees. I see poetry, artistry and passion. We’re all doing our part to make our worlds better places to live. The people I have met are keeping it real. Those who don’t know how to keep it real aren’t going to succeed in this new culture that’s being built. Those who don’t know how to respect other people’s real won’t succeed either. This new culture is making a difference. We’re fighting. We’re growing. We’re intelligent, good looking and professional. We’re passionate, real, and can hold a conversation. We say fuck on a regular basis. We’re tattooed, pierced and listen to a lot of music. We create connections, not corporations. You know who you are. I’m calling out to you. If you’ve found this blog, there’s a reason for it. You’re empowered. You have something special that nobody else has. Find what that is and rock that shit! Keepin’ it real! People will like you if you like you. The more you’re real with yourself the more real you’ll be with others. The more real you are with others, the more they’ll love you. Kick fear in the neck! Pull sorrow’s hair. Slap negativity in face. Rise above it all!

We must transcend. We must follow through. We must continue to fight. We must have faith that we will win and see a world that is worth fighting for. I believe we can. I have faith that working with the people I work with will change the culture and help us rise together and find a new way of living!