A Righteous Path of Faith, Self Reflection and Homelessness

What does one do when they realize they might have fucked up? Laugh! I find myself laughing! I catch myself dancing. I still pray often; in fact, I started reading the bible for the first time ever. I am always writing. And, I tell myself that “This too shall pass.”

Did I fuck up though? Am I a fuck up? That self-dialog does tend to come sneaking in when I’m feeling lost. You see, depression is no joke, and when one is homeless, sleeping in their car or crashing on the couches of strangers, one must ask … What went wrong? Where did I mess up? How did I get here? Then, the anxiety sneaks in and breathing become so difficult. Breathing is hard. Oh the sting and fear of suicide is still there. Those thoughts will always be there. But I’m stronger than that.

I am stronger than that, indeed!

My ego and pride are out the window at this point. My weakness is my strength. To admit that the situation I am in is absolutely from my own choices. I blame nobody but myself. Yeah, I did this. To admit that says a lot. I don’t blame the system. I don’t blame the choices of other people. I don’t blame the trauma from my childhood. I don’t blame any of it. Actually, I don’t even blame myself I guess.

This is my life right now. I just graduated less than a year ago and I’m officially homeless. It’s strange. I have a car – which has radiator problems, of course (lol) – but I have a car. I have food. I have clothes on my back. And I have a new friend’s roof over my head for now. That little girl within myself that I’ve been tending to over the years is safe. The strong woman I have become is responsible for only myself. I do not have children (yet), and I have the loving support of a strong man behind me.

I’m scared though. I know I won’t be able to live this way for long. Not having a safe place to rest my head on a regular basis will take its toll on my life and spiritual strength. I am still weak. I am still afraid. I am confused. I am loved, supported, and respected by my peers. The Universe has brought me to this place and I have accepted it fully. When I’m in my moment, I feel a sense of calm. Even with the anxiety attacks from sleeping in my backseat when it’s 12 degrees outside, there’s a sense of love and light.

Homelessness is not a choice. I have two jobs. I’m working on many things but I have very little cash. I’m in debt, I have no credit, and home is far far away. It’s up to me now to get myself out of this situation I’ve put myself into. I know this. Nobody is going to bail me out this time. My tight support group has become smaller and smaller as time goes on, and right now I question those who once considered themselves loyal friends. It’s strange that I have revisited an old love from 10+ years ago, which has brought me to a place I never thought possible.

My next step will need to be thought out and strategically planned because the next journey I set forth for myself will also be his path, too. Yes, I’m in love. That’s what’s getting me through this homeless situation I am in. It’s where the laughs come from. His love has brought dancing back into my daily life. I have found God because of this man, and there’s nothing that can happen in my life that will break me down. The love we have built and revisited has given me the strength and encouragement that I need to further this path of righteousness of self reflection, homelessness, and faith.

We are doing God’s work.
We are students of His.
We will continue to work with the love and light we have together, even when I’m homeless and he’s … well, he’s stuck right now.
My guardians and spirit guides are telling me stay put and focus on myself for awhile; so that’s what I’m doing…

Oh, and I’m still writing about that Bay Area Harlot I once was ❤ Publications soon, y’all!

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It’s time for … a quickie, of course

Sexual passions

Do you know it? Do you know that release of pure enjoyment and ecstasy? I only ask because that’s what I thrive on – well, that’s what I used to thrive on, at least.

For many years I focused on that passionate release, and now it’s taken me to a road of writing and encouragement. I always said, “I’ll never move back to the Bay Area,” And here I am planning my life to further my dream of living there again. Nothing is concrete, but I cannot explain to you how my memoirs have pushed me through into an entirely different – but oh so perfect – direction in life.

After graduation, I was pissed off with everything because the system is so corrupt. I didn’t want to be part of it. I still don’t. I’m talkin’ rEVOLution. I’m talkin’ commUNITY. I’m talkin’ pure light and love, y’all. Unconditional love, compassion, and the ability to talk through our struggles. I’m talkin’ prison outreach. I’m talkin’ motivational speaking. I’m talkin’ youth mentorship. I’m talkin’ LIVING THE DREAM!!! We all have a dream, right? I’m now working on accomplishing the goals and dreams I have set forth. And, by the looks of things, there’s a kingdom waiting for Us…

Dream big, please!

Take a step forward, please.

Forget about the fear, please!

I promise you … moving forward to accomplish a dream is the best thing in the world. I encourage all of you to start living your dreams because it’s about time we start living in a place of light and love … Many blessings, y’all!

More will come, of course. I just wanted to let y’all know that I haven’t gone anywhere. My book is in it’s last stages of edit and this Bay Area Harlot will tell her freaky tale … Much love!

This shit is raw

Look, I’ve seen some shit and I’ve done some shit that I’m not proud of. I’m writing my memoirs about when I was working on the streets. I am finally telling my truth about when I learned how to honor and respect my body.

The story I’m telling is raw. Someone called it porn. I don’t think it’s even close to porn though. It’s passionate, yes. It’s, of course, explained but not graphic. I’m proud of my writing. I’m so happy I am able to share this story. I feel it’s about time people know this about me. I feel it’s time I stop trying to hide it.

People say that for us to be happy, we have to do things that make us happy. Well, sex makes me happy. Now, I already tried the having sex all the time thing – it doesn’t work! That’s what I’m writing about now. However, I’m not telling a woes me story. I’m telling a story of a young woman who didn’t know anything about herself and was scared to experience anything true. She was working the streets, making good money, and falling in love with the wrong people. I was a very unhappy young woman. Well, through my sexual escapades, I learned a lot about myself. 

There came a time, however, I was terrified of that enjoyment. I blocked it out and became very closed off. Eventually, I met someone who brought that sexual desire back out of me. He handled business quite well. Since then I have struggled with finding a balance between my addiction to sex, the need for contact, and empathic abilities that caused confusion.

I’ve finally found it

I haven’t quite figured out fully how to work it to it’s full potential, but I’m working on it.

The reason I share this story is because I want to let y’all know that I believe in you. I believe that whatever it is you’re going through, I feel you can overcome the hardships and learn to love them instead of fight them. Giving into my desires for sexual release has allowed me to write my memoirs in a way that has changed my life.

I want to encourage you to tap into those passionate things in your life that make you feel positive powers. Recognize them and acknowledge their involvement in your daily life. Try to practice a new routine so you can intertwine them into your daily life. When you have things you love in your life, you’ll enjoy life more often. And, really, isn’t that what we’re supposed to be doing … enjoying life! So, go … ENJOY IT!

Now, I’m not encouraging that drug addicts go use or anything like that. My point is that I am working on focusing my addict energy into more productive things. I’m using the energy to write, exercise, and interact with people on a more intimate level. I have faith that you can do it too. I have faith that you can find whatever it is that makes you happy and run with it. I believe you can tap into whatever it is that makes you feel something deep down in your soul.

Do you see that bright shinny ball somewhere deep down within you? It’s not a train, I promise! Focus on that light. Focus on the beauty and feel the intrigue. Live every day as if it’s the last day you live. That’s such an over said phrase, but it’s true. The only moment that truly matters is right now. The moment you’re in while you’re reading this. Stop worry about what happened 1- minutes ago or what might happen in 10 minutes. It doesn’t matter. Look at where you’re at. What are you doing? What do you hear? What do you see, feel and smell? That’s your moment. Find at least two blessings within this moment and try to do it again in an hour.

It’s RehabTime

@TrentShelton, I just returned from Haiti. If I had a smart phone with international data, I would have tagged you then. Instead, I’m writing almost a week later. #RehabTime #OneLove #Blessed

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The fight we are fighting internally, to be a better version of ourselves, is not the only thing we need to focus on and fight for. When we’re aware of our own fight, we also realize the fight others are fighting. While I was in Haiti, I noticed and respected the fight they were all fighting. It’s their personal fight to become the better version of themselves. There is absolutely no way I can know their story, of course, but they were all fighting to see another successful day. Every single one of them had some kind of thought throughout their day about a fight they’re fighting.

This realization is why I smiled at everyone. I prayed when we drove through a large group of people who were mourning the death of a close member in their society. In doing so, I made some kind of connection with those I made eye contact with and shared space with. In every interaction, I was 100% real. I have fought my fight for long enough that I was able to shed my outer shields and be real all the time. My realness is intense. I’m bold. I’m passionate. I may have been a little difficult to handle sometimes; but I was real!

This allowed people to see me for me. I believe they knew they were getting the realness of Jo. They knew I wasn’t hiding. It made some confident in me. The only reason they like me is simply because I love myself. Because I have worked so hard to be a better version of myself, people have noticed and I’ve been able to brighten their lives – even if it was for a split second.

It’s #RehabTime

I’ve been through my own rehab and I am ready to be part of the encouragement committee for those who are just starting their rehab or still fighting their fight. Where do I go from here? I will continue to do me and I will continue to be a better version of myself. It’s not really a fight anymore. I’ve let go of ego and I’ve learned to love it. I’ve lost. I’ve shed so much. I’m ready to move forward. I’m ready to up my game. I’m ready to be about it instead of talking about it. I’m ready! Sharing this with everyone is simply my way of letting y’all know that I’m ready to listen. I’m ready to share life with you. I’m willing, and quite able to help. Let’s work together

#OneLove
#Blessed