Revisiting my past is building my future

          The topic of discussion is depression, fear, struggles of falling in love, revisiting the past, and the hardships of keeping ones shit together when it seems their entire life is falling apart. My discussion is, of course, centered on my recent life events; I say recent, indicating the last two years, really. I’m going to start this discussion with my detoxification of my uterus. There isn’t a fiber of my being that wasn’t affected by that experience. My body has obviously changed. My mind is not the same. My spirit has taken on a new course of responsibility. I am not the same person I was when I started the process in 2013. I never expected the shit to happen the way it has, and I’m beyond grateful for how it’s all happened. I now have a working reproductive system, and I did it by myself. I didn’t go to any doctors, and I sure as hell didn’t have any procedures that would allow objects to scrap the inside of my body. Nope! I prayed. I meditated. I soaked in the light of the full moon. I spoke to my ancestors. I reached out beyond this realm, and I found more than I was asking for.

          With the steps taken during this time, I internalized. I didn’t share my experience with anyone except for two people. One is no longer a part of my life; he’s missed greatly. The other one is still very prominent in my life, and I appreciate her more than words can express. I was extremely depressed during this time in my life, and I struggled with a lot of loss. So-called friends distanced themselves from me, too. Not only was I alone, I felt lonely and abandoned. Coming to terms with the loss of my unborn child from 15 years prior, I found a sense of peace within myself. I wasn’t lonely any longer. This uterus cleanse that I did to myself was brutal; I’ve explained this before. Like I said, it wasn’t only physical. This was an entire make over of every aspect of my being. I tapped into my higher self and my lower self. I spoke to my unborn child. I spoke to my previous lives. I identified with my purpose. I knew I was destined to be a mother.

          After I gathered the broken pieces of my life, I started feeling better about myself because I had identified with my past sorrows that were keeping me down. My detox cleared out some major cobwebs of my soul. I started exercising. I picked up yoga again. I found a comfort in being alone. Then, I started planning my trip to Haiti. Being out there continued to shape my thought process; my thoughts changed again. My aspirations grew stronger. I witnessed things I still cannot explain. I honestly believe something from my experiences in Haiti filled the void within my soul that was from the loss of my child. I misread some signs too. Messages that came to me were mixed with a different reality. I made mistakes. I have forgiven myself for those mistakes, of course. And the love that blossomed will forever be a part of me and those involved. Coming home from Haiti and remembering all that I went through that year with my detox, I found myself revisiting my past. I started writing my memoirs.

          This choice, based on my decision making process to take this class my senior year, was the starting point of my entire future. I had spent many years running away from a part of my past that I didn’t want to identify with. I didn’t want my new friends to know about it. But, when I started writing about it, that all changed. With my newfound strength of being alone, and the courage I found within myself from traveling to Haiti, I fell in love. I feel deeply in love. I visited the depth of my soul. I found a lot down there, too. During that journey of deep Jo diving, however, I found something I had forgotten about. Digging down into the depths of my past, I remembered why I was running away. It was a painful thing to identify, and I’m still working on healing from that pain. This was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn, but I learned it, for sure. Love will do that to ya. Upon opening the floodgates of lost love and broken promises, I found myself nearly broken once again.

          More friends distanced themselves because I was being a complete bitch; I was keeping so much internalized again. I still didn’t want to share my past with anyone; it hurt too much. During this time, a little pixie and her son visited me; they kept me alive. They kept me motivated and allowed my inner child to play freely. I didn’t want to be an adult, so I wasn’t. I let myself go completely. I was spiraling down further than any depth I had reached during depression. I kept highly intoxicated so I wouldn’t deal with the pain. I covered it up. Then I realized I had used all my rent money on weed and alcohol; I couldn’t afford to live in that place any longer, and not just financially, but life in general. I am sure I would have taken my own life if I stayed there. I am sure of it. The depression and negativity I was living with would have taken its toll on me; so, I left.

          I didn’t know what I was doing, where I was going, or how I was going to get there. All I knew was that I needed to go. I picked Colorado as my destination, and I made it. And, of course, the depression, past sorrows, and newfound strength all followed me, too. The things I identified with during my detox, trip to Haiti, falling in love, and writing my memoirs has all followed me here. Right now, this very moment, I can still feel the warmth of these experiences. I know my higher being, God Himself, is guiding me on my path. It was my decision to leave a home I loved that has brought me to this place I am at right now; I am homeless. I am struggling. I am scared. I am blessed, honored, and madly in love again. Home is where the heart is, right? Well, my heart is locked up for two more years. The difficult transition I’m in will only bring more warmth and light, I’m sure of it. Digging to the depth of my soul has reminded me of who I am, and I will not hide from that person any longer. I refuse.

          I am not living in my past, not at all, but it is my past that is building my future. I need to remind myself what I’ve done, where I’m from, and why I am who I am. I’ve come a long way since that dirty warehouse worker who got involved in many sexual acts. Even though I can still recall the smell of oil, propane, and wet boxes, I need to identify with where I am today. Even though I can still taste the passionate release of my clients, I need to identify with who I am today. It’s hard though. I struggle with it because I have hidden that part of my past from everyone I ever encountered. It’s not that I’m afraid of judgment, no. What I’m afraid of is expressing my enjoyment. I’m afraid if I express how much I miss my clients, how much I miss giving blow jobs, and how much I want to experience it all again … I’m afraid I’ll go back into the business.

          There is an opportunity that is knocking at my door, and I want it more than anything I have ever wanted in my life. It’s a revisit of my past, of course. It’s a door reopened. It’s an opportunity for me to learn new skills and make a lot of money. I need to recognize that I am not reliving my past. I need to realize that my choices now are based on knowledge of self, knowledge of other, and knowledge of how society works. As a college graduate, who studied anthropology, I am sure to follow this dream and not make the same mistakes I made before. It’s terrifying though. The fear is what’s making me do it. I swear, if it wasn’t for the fact that I am scared out of my mind right now, I wouldn’t be following this hidden dream. I wouldn’t be playing with the hidden gem I found while I dug to the depths of my soul. If it wasn’t for this fear, I wouldn’t be alive. I wouldn’t have the opportunity to do God’s work. I wouldn’t be writing this blog, right now …

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It’s time for … a quickie, of course

Sexual passions

Do you know it? Do you know that release of pure enjoyment and ecstasy? I only ask because that’s what I thrive on – well, that’s what I used to thrive on, at least.

For many years I focused on that passionate release, and now it’s taken me to a road of writing and encouragement. I always said, “I’ll never move back to the Bay Area,” And here I am planning my life to further my dream of living there again. Nothing is concrete, but I cannot explain to you how my memoirs have pushed me through into an entirely different – but oh so perfect – direction in life.

After graduation, I was pissed off with everything because the system is so corrupt. I didn’t want to be part of it. I still don’t. I’m talkin’ rEVOLution. I’m talkin’ commUNITY. I’m talkin’ pure light and love, y’all. Unconditional love, compassion, and the ability to talk through our struggles. I’m talkin’ prison outreach. I’m talkin’ motivational speaking. I’m talkin’ youth mentorship. I’m talkin’ LIVING THE DREAM!!! We all have a dream, right? I’m now working on accomplishing the goals and dreams I have set forth. And, by the looks of things, there’s a kingdom waiting for Us…

Dream big, please!

Take a step forward, please.

Forget about the fear, please!

I promise you … moving forward to accomplish a dream is the best thing in the world. I encourage all of you to start living your dreams because it’s about time we start living in a place of light and love … Many blessings, y’all!

More will come, of course. I just wanted to let y’all know that I haven’t gone anywhere. My book is in it’s last stages of edit and this Bay Area Harlot will tell her freaky tale … Much love!

This shit is raw

Look, I’ve seen some shit and I’ve done some shit that I’m not proud of. I’m writing my memoirs about when I was working on the streets. I am finally telling my truth about when I learned how to honor and respect my body.

The story I’m telling is raw. Someone called it porn. I don’t think it’s even close to porn though. It’s passionate, yes. It’s, of course, explained but not graphic. I’m proud of my writing. I’m so happy I am able to share this story. I feel it’s about time people know this about me. I feel it’s time I stop trying to hide it.

People say that for us to be happy, we have to do things that make us happy. Well, sex makes me happy. Now, I already tried the having sex all the time thing – it doesn’t work! That’s what I’m writing about now. However, I’m not telling a woes me story. I’m telling a story of a young woman who didn’t know anything about herself and was scared to experience anything true. She was working the streets, making good money, and falling in love with the wrong people. I was a very unhappy young woman. Well, through my sexual escapades, I learned a lot about myself. 

There came a time, however, I was terrified of that enjoyment. I blocked it out and became very closed off. Eventually, I met someone who brought that sexual desire back out of me. He handled business quite well. Since then I have struggled with finding a balance between my addiction to sex, the need for contact, and empathic abilities that caused confusion.

I’ve finally found it

I haven’t quite figured out fully how to work it to it’s full potential, but I’m working on it.

The reason I share this story is because I want to let y’all know that I believe in you. I believe that whatever it is you’re going through, I feel you can overcome the hardships and learn to love them instead of fight them. Giving into my desires for sexual release has allowed me to write my memoirs in a way that has changed my life.

I want to encourage you to tap into those passionate things in your life that make you feel positive powers. Recognize them and acknowledge their involvement in your daily life. Try to practice a new routine so you can intertwine them into your daily life. When you have things you love in your life, you’ll enjoy life more often. And, really, isn’t that what we’re supposed to be doing … enjoying life! So, go … ENJOY IT!

Now, I’m not encouraging that drug addicts go use or anything like that. My point is that I am working on focusing my addict energy into more productive things. I’m using the energy to write, exercise, and interact with people on a more intimate level. I have faith that you can do it too. I have faith that you can find whatever it is that makes you happy and run with it. I believe you can tap into whatever it is that makes you feel something deep down in your soul.

Do you see that bright shinny ball somewhere deep down within you? It’s not a train, I promise! Focus on that light. Focus on the beauty and feel the intrigue. Live every day as if it’s the last day you live. That’s such an over said phrase, but it’s true. The only moment that truly matters is right now. The moment you’re in while you’re reading this. Stop worry about what happened 1- minutes ago or what might happen in 10 minutes. It doesn’t matter. Look at where you’re at. What are you doing? What do you hear? What do you see, feel and smell? That’s your moment. Find at least two blessings within this moment and try to do it again in an hour.

We have a bleeder …

I hardly know where to start. I don’t quite know how much I want to share with you. There are still things I’m trying to work through. I have to keep asking myself, “What is it I truly want to give to the reader?” “What do I share and how much do I share in order for my point to be made without over sharing?” Then I realized it doesn’t matter! I’m not only writing for you, the reader, I’m writing for me as well. I am using this blog not only to encourage people and empower your minds, but also to release some of my thoughts and many of my stories. I feel it’s time I let my stories be told because it’s obviously time for people to hear them.

If, in fact, I do over share in your personal category of over sharing, I apologize. I apologize you’re not willing to grow and expand your comfort zone. I am sorry you won’t put your fears, judgments and ridicule aside long enough to read my story, regardless of how crude, brutal or straight forward it may be. I’m not going to hold back anymore and I’m not going question myself.

If you’ve kept up with my previous blogs, or if you know me on a personal level, you’re probably asking yourself where all of that came from. Well, it’s come from five days of bleeding. If you’re a new reader check out my previous blogs. I finally bled. After talking to Dr. Jones from VIDA, I realized I was doing exactly what I needed to be doing. I appreciate Dr. Jones’s advice, but she gave me the same exact advice I received from my other doctors. That’s okay too. So, after talking to her, I decided to double the dose of Black and Blue Cohosh. Well damn! Just two days of doubling the dose (I was taking 30 drops of each, every three hours), I started bleeding. It came fast and it came hard. It went nonstop through the weekend. I spent my time either in bed or on the couch. I have watched so many movies, I don’t even know what to say about myself – lol – But, that’s the only thing I did. It hurt to move. It hurt to stand. It hurt to walk. It hurt to sit. Everything just hurt! I slept a lot too. I did a lot of deep thinking. I cried a lot. I was scared too. Many memories have come back and it’s brought up an entire part of my life I haven’t worked through yet. This is what I don’t want to share with you, yet. I’m not ready to share that part of my history. Not because I don’t want you to know, but because I don’t know how I feel about it yet. And anyways, it kind of goes off topic. It is, indeed, a topic I will cover, just not now.

So, my experience … This will be graphic at times, but please reread the first two paragraphs … I warned you!

Timeline

Monday the 19th – called doctor

Tuesday the 20th – full moon gazing – started Cohosh before bed

Wednesday the 21st – Doubled dose – yard work – moon gazing – back and breast pain

Thursday the 22nd – Doubled dose – major cramping – tired – back and breast pain

Friday the 23rd – Cohosh in morning – full bleeding – cramping – back and breast pain

Saturday the 24th – Stopped taking Cohosh – major cramping – full bleeding

Sunday the 25th – Repeat of Friday and Saturday combined into one day

Monday the 26th – No cramping – light bleeding

Today, Tuesday the 27th – No cramping – no bleeding

During all of this, I was completely alone. Nobody came to visit me. I only got a couple of phone calls. I only talked to one of them. I texted a few people; hiding my pain from them. I didn’t reach out to anyone. I didn’t want to. The only two people I wanted here were unavailable, so I did what I could by myself. And, I did a lot! I did everything by myself. Not only did that teach me that I don’t have to rely on people as much as I always have, but I’m way capable of taking care of myself. Now, if I had to go through this and I had a child or a full time job I wasn’t able to take time off of, I would have been screwed. There would have been no way I could have gone through what I went through if I had responsibilities. I’m so grateful to have the opportunity to just lay down for four days. Then again, I’m proud of myself that even though I was going through so much pain, I still took care of myself when all I wanted to do was punch a wall or go to sleep.

I made myself an awesome set up in the bathroom. I had two 4qt containers with lids filled with distilled water. My friend made me 9 pads out of 100% organic cotton. They were thin pads, but washable and so much nicer then the pads we buy at the store. I had to use four of them at a time and “tape” them to my panties with panty liners. It was messy. There are some alterations I want to try so I can continue using the pads as I continue to bleed (more details on that later). Once I bled through them, I would put them in the distilled water containers. They would soak for about 4 hours, then I would hand wash them and put them in the dryer so they’d be ready for the next round of changing the pads. There was a time I didn’t get around to washing them in time and I had to sit on a bundled up towel. It was uncomfortable and messy but, it worked.

The pain was something I had never experienced before. I tried to find something to compare it to and the only thing I can think of is “This is what getting punched in the abdomen by Tyson feels like.” Not cool, man! Not cool at all! Feeling my femur being pulled into contraction was less painful than this. I seriously wonder if labor pains are like that. Nothing really seemed to work either – except lying on my side and not moving. And, it was only the left side that hurt. I remember when my doctor did an exam on me and she pushed on my abdomen; that was the same area it hurt when she pushed on it. I went back to my test results and everything said my ovaries looked fine and that there were no cysts or growths – so why did it hurt so much? I don’t know! So, that was a concern of mine. I was worried that the Cohosh did something to me. But, I let it go as much as I could and just went with it. If labor pains were like that, I would be a very lazy pregnant woman.

I hardly ate anything, which goes back to my Dr. Oz detox and cleanse experience. The food I bought was supposed to last me the entire month, but most of it went bad before I could eat it. I have an empty fridge. I have plenty of pasta, rice, quinoa and garbanzo beans though. I have no fruits or veggies. Oh! I have some strawberries and pineapple in the freezer. I’m not really hungry anyways. When I do get hungry, I’ll have a piece of gluten free bread with some freshly crushed peanut butter on it. Either that or I’ll have some trail mix. If I’m really hungry, I’ll make some pasta and drizzle olive oil on it. I don’t eat much anymore. I had some coffee this morning, and it made my tummy all bubbly and unhappy. That was interesting. My point is, I think the detox did work in a way. I have put very little garbage in my system since I’ve started this process and maybe the outcome will be that my apatite goes down, extremely. Maybe I’ll find a joy in snacking all day on fruits and veggies then have a nice meal for dinner. Who knows what will come of it. All I know is that I haven’t eaten much this week and I’m feeling pretty good. I had energy today, and I intend on going on a bike ride tomorrow. If it wasn’t for the cramping and back pain, I probably would have been active this weekend. So, I’m looking forward to seeing where my apatite goes from here.

So, back to the pads and bleeding. I enjoyed washing my pads. It was an interesting experience. I thought about what women did 100 years ago. They didn’t have sinks or warm water or a dryer. Shit! Did they even use cloth? It’s really crazy to think about, isn’t it? We have come so far, yet we’re half assed about everything. I much preferred to wash my own pads and reuse them rather then using products from corporate companies. I mean, seriously, most women buy their hygiene products from places like Wal-Mart. Why? Because it’s simple. But there’s something to be said about being responsible for your own waste. There’s something powerful about being able to put your hand into a container filled with bloody, distilled water. Call me, weird … Fine! But it was empowering. It would definitely be difficult to be responsible for reusable pads if I was at school or something. But, I think I will find a way to continue using reusable pads in the future. I don’t want to buy pads anymore. I don’t want to give my money to them. So, I’ll find another way!

You may be asking yourself what the point was of putting my pads in distilled water. Well, I watered my garden. HERE is a link I found that has some helpful, interesting input about using menstrual blood as fertilizer for plants. There’s some concern because of the products of human blood, but we’ll see what happens to my plants. Throughout my bleeding process, I went through 12 quarts of water, which means I was able to water my plants three times. I didn’t water any of my plants more than once and I didn’t water any of my eatable plants. It was an interesting process, really. The first time, I watered my morning glory and lamb’s ear plants. The second time, I watered another lamb’s ear and three gardenia plants. The third time I water three random (I don’t know what they’re called) plants and put the rest into compost. It was funny because Cleo followed me out every single time and remarked her territory after I poured my fertilized water onto the plant. She was all shaky tailed and vocal each time. I think she was a bit excited too – I don’t know! Seriously though, if it wasn’t for her I don’t know what I would have done this weekend. So, I guess I was wrong earlier when I said I was alone … I was not alone! 

Throughout this entire process, I did a lot of thinking. OMG did I do a lot of thinking. I have some messages too. I think our female ancestors visited me over the weekend. I looked at myself in the mirror and I looked different. I looked into my eyes and I talked to myself. So there I have it again … damn it … I was so not alone this weekend … wow!!! That really puts things into perspective. Sweet! Okay, back to what I was saying before that slap of realization hit me. Our ancestors. The women before us. Our great grandmothers and their great grandmothers were with me. The energy of so many past women visited me. The energy of female deity visited me. I believe women, all over the world, are receiving these messages. It’s not just me. I’m not the only one who is sharing the messages either. All I know is that I am blessed to be a vessel. Even though I have my doubts, fears and concerns about my life does not mean I am going to allow those things to take over my thought process. I went through a lot of struggle in the last two weeks. I’ve had to fight some ugly demons. I’ve released so much already, and now I’m moving on to the next phase of my release. What’s to come is unclear, but who cares! I will work on some more things that I need to release, of course, and I’ll go from there. One day at a time, right?

We are women. We are strong. We are capable. We are beautiful. It doesn’t matter what the tabloids say. It doesn’t matter who’s wearing what during some bullshit awards show. If only women would look at themselves in the mirror more often, what a wonderful world we would live in. Look at yourself naked. Look at yourself without make up on. Know your body. Touch it. Honor it. Love it. Cherish it. Respect it. Have a conversation with yourself. Look at your own eyes and have a conversation with that unknown person in the mirror. “Wow! Why have I never seen your eyes before? They’re beautiful.” Women, seriously! How often do we stare into our partner’s eyes and just feel like we’re floating away somewhere. Even if we’re not with that partner anymore, we know the feeling. Every woman has experienced it! Why not experience that while glancing into your own eyes? We are always searching for love and companionship from others, but what would life be like if we were able to do it for ourselves. Every little freckle is where it’s supposed to be. Every big stretch mark is a reminder of our physical growth. Every awkward scar, curve, or bump is a symbol of our uniqueness. That little indent on my thigh is a warrior’s wound. The funny lookin pinky toe I have on my left foot is only one thing about what makes me who I am. It may affect the way I choose my shoes, but it doesn’t change my ability to help others.

What do other people think about my body? They think it’s beautiful! My last three partners appreciated my body. They enjoyed my body. I honestly believe the reason they enjoyed it so much was because I enjoyed it with them. The last partner I was with really appreciated my body. I told him to though. I told him exactly what I wanted and if he wasn’t willing to give it to me, he wasn’t going to experience any part of me. I demanded it because I’m worth it. We have to be comfortable in our own skin to appreciate life at its highest form. 

What do I think about somebody else’s body? I think it’s beautiful. I think their bodies are beautiful because I know, just like my own body, they have war wounds. Those wars make us who we are as individuals. The more we share those stories, the more we learn about each other and the more we’re able to empower our lives together. It’s not something that happens over night, that’s for sure! I’m still working on my own personal image, and I’ve been mindful about it for over 8 years now. We’re always changing our fashion and our minds. We’re always changing, period! When something doesn’t work, we need to find a way to make it work. If it’s not broken, don’t fix it, of course. But, I believe until we are comfortable in our own bodies, our spiritual forms won’t be able to be completely free. We are not humans experiencing a spiritual moment in time, no; we are spiritual beings experiencing a human moment in time. Things get in the way of that and we start living a social norm life. We lost track of Spirit. It’s time we come back to Spirit.

For me, reconnecting to Spirit has taken years and I’m always working on more things. This detox/cleanse process has only been one small moment of personal growth. This is what I’m doing right now …

Sitting on my bed. I’m only wearing a pair of panties. I have my hair up all crazy. I’m sitting in the dark with my laptop resting on my knees while I’m leaning against my wall. I have my earphones on, playing 90’s r&b.

Yup, that’s right!

Doing this is part of the process. While I’m writing this blog, I’m thinking about the music that’s playing and I’m processing more of my past and facing my fears. It’s interesting.

What I’m saying is that every moment can be used as a way to empower yourself. We all live busy lives. People say it’s difficult to “find time.” But I don’t buy it! We have the power to change our routines. What we know as time was human made! We have the ability to move things around, stop doing things that hinder us and start new things. Yeah it’s harder then shit to do, but we can do it! We’re the only ones who are responsible for our lives. I learned that a long time ago. I cannot make choices based on what others need. I cannot live a certain way just because someone wants me to live that way. Yeah, I’ll compromise, of course, but I’ll be damned if someone tells me I cannot have my meditation time every day; sometimes twice a day. I don’t care where I am or who I’m with; if I feel the need to step away and center myself, I will. We all have that choice! We all have the power to do that.

So … stop making excuses … stop telling yourself you “can’t” … figure out what you really need in life and keep it in your life … change what you don’t like … try something new … if you’re scared, ask yourself why then encourage yourself that whatever the reason is isn’t stronger than your will power, and you have the strength to get through the fear … Forgive those who will never say “I’m sorry” … Reach out to an old friend you haven’t talked to in years … Call your mother, father, aunty, grandparent, sibling, cousin, best friend, neighbor …  Whatever you decide to do, just make sure you love yourself in the process! That’s most important, my friends!