It’s time for … a quickie, of course

Sexual passions

Do you know it? Do you know that release of pure enjoyment and ecstasy? I only ask because that’s what I thrive on – well, that’s what I used to thrive on, at least.

For many years I focused on that passionate release, and now it’s taken me to a road of writing and encouragement. I always said, “I’ll never move back to the Bay Area,” And here I am planning my life to further my dream of living there again. Nothing is concrete, but I cannot explain to you how my memoirs have pushed me through into an entirely different – but oh so perfect – direction in life.

After graduation, I was pissed off with everything because the system is so corrupt. I didn’t want to be part of it. I still don’t. I’m talkin’ rEVOLution. I’m talkin’ commUNITY. I’m talkin’ pure light and love, y’all. Unconditional love, compassion, and the ability to talk through our struggles. I’m talkin’ prison outreach. I’m talkin’ motivational speaking. I’m talkin’ youth mentorship. I’m talkin’ LIVING THE DREAM!!! We all have a dream, right? I’m now working on accomplishing the goals and dreams I have set forth. And, by the looks of things, there’s a kingdom waiting for Us…

Dream big, please!

Take a step forward, please.

Forget about the fear, please!

I promise you … moving forward to accomplish a dream is the best thing in the world. I encourage all of you to start living your dreams because it’s about time we start living in a place of light and love … Many blessings, y’all!

More will come, of course. I just wanted to let y’all know that I haven’t gone anywhere. My book is in it’s last stages of edit and this Bay Area Harlot will tell her freaky tale … Much love!

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Emotional Battle of The Then, The Now, and The Next ~ In Love with a Client  

It’s been awhile since I posted, and it’s not because I haven’t been writing. I haven’t posted because what I’ve been writing has been difficult and emotional. But, it’s time isn’t it. It’s time I share one major piece of my life puzzle. It’s time to admit that something has connected within. Something has grown within. Something is created. It’s strong, too!

That wonderful fluttering feeling in my inner core has been an on going struggle because the love I created over the past year is still present and strong. That love reminded me of so much. Or maybe it was the original love (10+ years ago) that made me fall in love this time around. I have asked myself if the reason I fell in love this time around was to remind myself of the love everything started with. Yeah, is it possible? Isn’t that how Universal Messages work? Is it possible that this recent core flutter of love, appreciation, admiration, and pure light is a reflection of what was before? I think it is, to an extent. I think I missed it last time though; I didn’t see it as such. I believe one of the reason I started the newer path of love was because I was reminded of my original love. The original love I speak of was the beginning of my light.

Okay, before I continue … Yes, of course I was in love in high school, but this is different. My high school sweet heart was a difficult, adolescent love. It was a darker love. This other man, where my inner core flutters steam from, was a client I fell in love with. As a sex worker (I hate the term prostitute), I used my skills on many men – many married men, as a matter of fact. While I worked the streets, I was very emotionally shut down. This guy opened my heart chakra. This guy challenged me to find my inner peace. This guy planted a seed that has grown since that first day I met him; I just didn’t realize it until this recent love was built and destroyed. He is who introduced God to me. He is who taught me how to relax my body. He is … very significant.

You see, I’m writing my memoirs from when I worked at the warehouse. I’ve been writing it for over a year now. This man I speak of is a main character in that story. I fell in love with this man. I was a different person then, of course. I didn’t know anything about what I wanted in life. I didn’t understand my daddy issues. I wasn’t aware of my heartache and pain of a troubled youth. Not anywhere near what I know now about myself…

There are parallels that I’m working with right now. There are so many similarities in my love for these two men. And, I will stand by my word and say that I did fall in love with the most recent man for specific reasons (very valid and real reasons, too), but I wonder if the reason I got so comfortable so quickly was because I was remembering the love I created 10+ years ago. See the irony? I’m working with this now. I’m working with the idea that maybe, just maybe, my love for this newer guy had a possible thought of happiness because I was remembering my original love. I look at this newer man and I see many things in our lives that wouldn’t mesh very well. I think we’re of different passions, desires, and dream structures. And there’s nothing wrong with that, but I don’t think a happy future would have been possible.

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I have made contact with him … my king … he’s asked me to wait for him. He has two and a half more years in prison. Why is he in prison? I don’t know! I’ve heard a few different stories, but I do not know his truth. And, it’s not important right now. People are telling me to be safe, not to trust him, and that I shouldn’t have contacted him in the first place. People are wrong! People don’t know. What’s going on inside of me – and him, too – is between him and I. I’m sharing my struggle here because it’s very significant story of my life, which deserves to be here with the rest of it.

I’m working, living, and loving in the now but I remember the then. It’s hard! As I’m healing, I’m also building. As I’m letting go, I’m attaching. As I cry, I laugh! I’m getting involved with a lot. I’m making impressions with the right people. I’ve been in this location for 8 weeks. It’s exactly where I need to be, and I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m building a name for myself again. I’m pursuing my dreams. I’m connecting with people. I’m making a difference in the lives of those I touch. Two and a half years from now, who knows where I’ll be. I can’t say that I will wait for him, but I can’t deny him either. The love is too strong, still.

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I paused for a minute to recollect my thoughts (and clear the tears from my eyes) so I didn’t get off topic … and it’s so strange because I’m almost done with my memoirs. I have about three more chapters to write before I’m ready to send it out for edits and critiques. By January, I will have it finished and ready for publication. I will send him a copy, of course. How will it make him feel to know he’s my main character? Even though some of the stories in the memoir weren’t specifically moments him and I shared, but nonetheless, he’s my main character.

So, yeah … That’s where I’m at right now. I’m still exercising. My planks and core muscles are getting stronger. My waist is fading. My hips are slimming. My ass is firm. My body feels great. I’m healthy. I’m broke as fuck and can’t afford anything at this point, but I’m working on making the right impressions, like I said, and I have faith! I know I won’t be homeless. I know I won’t be cold at night. I know I’ll have food. I’ll be safe through the winter. I’m blessed, indeed.

But in all honesty, I still cry myself to sleep. I still crave the embrace of someone who loves me. I still feel my inner core pulling me closer to my destiny. I still believe in the numbers, my intuition, and the strength that comes with owning and loving all parts of me. I’ve realized in recent days that I’m not hiding any parts of me anymore. I don’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing at the wrong time or even the right thing at the right time. I have nothing to hide anymore, and the purity of my message is becoming easier to share.

I think about who I was then, who I am now, and who I might be in two and a half years. #CupOfJoBruno prison style is under way. He has information I need. He is my inside connection. I just didn’t realize I was going to fall in love with him again. I didn’t realize I was in love with him then. It’s funny how a voice can ease so much pain and sorrow, even after 8 years of not talking.

I think about my detox last year and the struggles of my unborn child. I think about my trip to Haiti and the connections to my ancestors. I think about people I’ve grown apart from. I think about new connections being made. I think about happiness, peace, and love. I think it’s possible. I think I’m worth it. True, unconditional love … is it a thing? One could hope, right? I have hope.

This is my truth

This is my truth …
I see the blood
I hear the screams
I feel the pain
I smell the fires
I can even touch the fear 

This is my truth
I am the blood
I am the screams
I am the pain
I am the fires
I am the fear

This is my truth
I choose to bleed
I choose to scream
I choose to feel pain
I choose to start fires
I choose to fight against fear

This is my truth
I encourage the fight against bloodshed
I encourage the use of a microphone to strengthen the voices
I encourage the lessons learned from overcoming the pain
I encourage the willingness of change and fluidity to put out the flames
I encourage the people to stand up, raise their fists, and demand their freedom

This is my truth
What’s your truth?!
Can we work together?!
What can we learn from each other?!

Have you seen death?
Was your voice ever silenced?
Is your pain over?
How hot is your flame?
Are you ready to work?

Let’s start by sharing another story …